My last blog post

I've not written a post for quite some time, mainly because life has got really busy. But I realised recently that the things I would like to write about have no connection with being a survivor of abuse and so I am not sure they belong on this blog.

I'm very glad to say that my life and its focus have moved on from being a survivor of abuse to being a mother, wife, friend and more. I am happy and I have other concerns now which for now I am happy not to write about so publicly.

Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you have found it interesting or useful.

Best wishes,

:-)

Memories of what abuse looks like from the inside

Before I begin, I want to make it very clear that I am writing about a previous relationship, not the one I have with my husband now. I don't want anyone worrying about me and whether or not I am all right!

Sometimes I end up thinking (often with no obvious trigger) about what it was like being on the receiving end of emotional abuse for so long. Never mind the physical abuse which resulted in serious injuries; it was the emotional and mental abuse which had (and still has) much more far reaching consequences.

By being constantly questioned and re-questioned on my every action, decision, and possible motive, I started to doubt my own ability to cope. I began to think of myself as someone who was not capable of making my own decisions. I thought it was my job to keep him happy, and that our relationship was just going through a bad patch.

He did not get on with my family and made it clear that he did not like them. I thought they needed more time to get to know each other, but this did not work as he was already certain that he did not want to like them. He had very few friends (and I never met any of them, which didn't seem odd at the time, but really does now), and he made me feel bad about seeing mine - but not by saying he felt left out, but by saying things like how he worried about me going out at night, he didn't like me having male friends , he felt insecure if he didn't know where I was and what time I would be back. If I ever questioned any of this, I was given various excuses such as his family was not close and they didn't like him (he made out that he was the black sheep of the family, which may or may not have been true. I actually got on really well with them). Other excuses included his belief that he was addicted to smoking cannabis, which he said caused mood swings and paranoia, and that his father left when he was tiny (although he had a stepdad from quite a young age, so I never did quite get my head around this one)... It was so confusing and I really did care about him and thought if I gave him consistent support and help then maybe he would give up the cannabis as he claimed he was doing and he would see what a committed relationship looked like. I was wrong.

My memory of this time is very muddled and blurred: having since come out the other side of post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of this relationship and the violence that I suffered, as well as the mental abuse, I have difficulty recalling a lot of it except when it pops into my head unbidden. But I do remember some important things: I was gradually and systematically cut off from my family and friends. I was gradually forced to hand over my savings and my earnings to keep us afloat and living in our rented house. I was deprived of food and sleep, and was made to fear the consequences of telling anyone what was going on at home. I was made to feel such terrible, terrible shame for being in a relationship with someone who not only mistreated but despised me and wanted me for nothing but cooking, money and sex, and hated having me around the rest of the time. I was made to believe that I was unable to make decisions without help, and that I would never cope alone.

The recovery from this took a long time. I felt so alone, I truly believed that there was nobody I knew who could possibly understand what I had gone through. I still felt ashamed even though I knew none of it was my fault. Telling my friends what had happened once I came back to live with my parents was incredibly hard. I had to cope not only with reliving the experiences as I retold my story each time, but also with the emotional reactions of everyone around me as they became upset at what they were hearing. I felt guilt upon guilt for what I was putting everyone through as a result of having been abused and trying to tell everyone what had happened. Add to this the effects of PTSD: flashbacks (reliving the experiences), horrific nightmares, panic attacks (particularly when I was alone in the house), and general agoraphobia for a long time afterwards, and you can see why it was so hard.

What made the real difference though, was having family and friends around me who were keen to support me any way they could, even though they didn't always understand how I felt or what it had been like. I was numb and in shock for a long time but gradually I started to get my old self back, or bits of it at least. Added to this was the help I had from local domestic abuse services and the police during the court case. I have written in other articles about the help I received and what I thought of it so I won't repeat myself here.

Finally I want to say that there's a verse in the Bible that says that God helps us and then brings us alongside others who are in trouble so that we can comfort them with the help that we ourselves received. If there is anyone out there reading this who is feeling alone and that they are the only ones to have suffered in an abusive relationship, please know you are not alone. There are many sources of support out there and you are never alone.... God bless you.

Musings on justice, forgiveness, and moving on

I have been asked to take part in a study looking at how victims of abuse view justice. I won't be taking part until next week, so I'm not entirely sure what it will involve yet, but it has got me pondering what I really think.

This year it will be nine years since I left my abusive ex, and yet sometimes it still feels like yesterday. When I close my eyes at night I find myself transported back to the house where the physical assaults happened, and find myself remembering every room. Somehow that house and how it was when I left it has been preserved in my head and I can't seem to make it go away for good.

I am fortunate in that I am unable to easily recall faces. I can recognise people when I see them, but to remember what my family or even my husband and daughter look like, I have to remember a photo rather than the real thing. I have never been able to picture people from a description (which as a keen reader is a very frustrating problem), and so I am now pretty much unable to remember what my ex looked like unless I try very hard to recall him. Which for obvious reasons, I don't do. It's one unexpected blessing from the way my memory works.

Thinking about next week and justice, I am not sure what I think. Of course, the fact that my ex was given a custodial sentence was extremely good, and more justice than many victims of domestic abuse receive. However, I am convinced that until the perpetrator fully acknowledges the severity of their crime, there can never fully be justice for a victim. If the perpetrator is in denial about what effect it had or how seriously the criminal justice system sees the crime, then no amount of punishment is going to make them turn their life around. I think that justice and repentance have to go together to be effective. So for many survivors like me, true justice will never take place as the perpetrators have to fully accept that their behaviour is wrong. Moreover, if this is the case, then perpetrators will go on to behave that way in future relationships as well, and thus create more victims in their wake.

On the other hand, my faith in Jesus tells me that whatever the situation in this lifetime, there will be judgement when we die; so whether or not I consider the human justice meted out to my abuser is sufficient, in the end he will face true justice. This sometimes feels like small consolation, particularly when I am reminded of the details of what he did, but it does mean that I can be assured that it is out of my hands and not my responsibility.

Allowing God to take it out of my hands is vital in order for me to move on. It enables me to let go of the anger and hate that I felt towards my ex, and in fact enables me to pity him. Not to let him off the hook or deny the severity of what he did to me - I have the mental and physical scars to prove it - but it takes a pretty poor sense of self worth for someone to have to force respect and fear from another person just to prove that they are more powerful and perhaps to enhance their self-image... I have taken steps towards forgiving him, although on my worst days I have to remind myself of this fact. I know that this means that if he ever truly found Jesus, my ex would be forgiven all his sins, but this isn't my decision and so I need to let go. By letting go, there is at least a chance that my life will not permanently be defined by the abusive relationship I had... that's the theory at least, although at times the memories encroach on the life I am now living. But look at where I am now: I have a loving husband, a wonderful (if occasionally challenging!) toddler, and a job I enjoy. I have learned that I am a strong and determined person, and I am beginning to learn to speak up when I think something is not right. I rediscovered my faith in God and my life in the last nine years has moved on unrecognisably.

So what do I think of justice? Well, I think that we can only do so much but we have to do something, even if our judgement and justice system is flawed. We cannot change the heart of someone who does not want to be changed (and neither can God either), but if they truly want change then we should help them to achieve that. Only God knows the true state of a person's heart and only he can transform someone from the inside, but if there are ways that we can be used in that process then we should follow his prompting to enable it to happen.

New academic year, more new beginnings

After a busy summer, I found myself facing yet more new beginnings, this time in the form of a new job and sending my daughter to nursery for the first time.

At times over the last few months it has felt as though I have been dancing on quicksand, with the ground under my feet changing so rapidly.

I have had a steep learning curve in terms of becoming more confident in my driving, and although I have had the odd moment that has made me a little nervous, I have not experienced the panic that I was dreading if things became a little difficult.

I pushed myself to complete a Couch to 5k course, and although I didn't quite manage to run 5 kilometres by the end, I did manage to do 27 minutes of jogging without stopping, which was a massive achievement for me. My physical fitness has improved a little, which means being able to do more before I become breathless and tired, and although I knew from the start that I was never going to become a runner, I have been able to appreciate being able to dance with my daughter for a lot longer before having to stop for a break.

I found that I was struggling as a stay at home mum. I was ashamed to admit it to anyone in case it made me look like a bad mother. So much of the time we hear parenting opinions through social media that are loudly expressed, which may not be the same as what is best for our family. I was particularly affected by this and couldn't understand why I wasn't enjoying being at home with my daughter, but was bored and depressed. It didn't help that she was accidentally giving me flashbacks to the behaviour of my ex, simply by being a toddler and behaving like a typical child of her age. Toddlers will not understand concepts of personal space, they do not understand that no means no, or stop means stop. In my daughter's case, it meant giving me affectionate 'squidging' of my cheeks with both hands, throwing her arms around my neck very tightly, and hugging or headbutting me on the arm that has never fully recovered from the assaults I suffered. Not to mention shouting, throwing things and generally tantrumming as you would expect a child going through the 'terrible twos'. The flashbacks were causing me to push her away and basically shut down, either totally freaking out of wanting to keep myself away from any physical contact from anyone. It took me a long time to work this out and once I did, I was able to understand why my child had been so bewildered at my reactions to her. I was able to remind myself that she acts the way that she does because of the developmental stage she is at, whereas my ex acted that way in order to manipulate and intimidate me.

Sometimes I wonder how many more years it will be before I stop being reminded of what my ex put me through. I wonder if there will ever come a point where I will forget the physical effects and no longer suffer from any mental scars. Although I don't generally have continuous reminders, there are enough here and there to make sure that I am unable to ever fully forget it all. While I still suffer from depression, anxiety and other problems involving what I would describe as post-ptsd symptoms, it is still going to be there in the back of my mind.

But in spite of this negative view which I find myself thinking about from time to time, I still believe that God is working through my life in many ways. I do believe that he is there giving me strength, and there's a song I've been thinking about whilst writing this blog post. It's a song we sometimes sing at our church, and it means a lot to me. It's called Praise is Rising, and the words include how God makes our broken lives new and saves us...

I feel that God has definitely been with me this summer. By the end of the summer, in spite of not actively looking for work, I had found a job at our previous church, with lots of people I already knew. I had also found a lovely nursery for my daughter to go to, which she absolutely loves. I am thoroughly enjoying being at work again, and can feel pleased that not only is my daughter doing well with the childcare I have put her in, she is actually thriving and developing in all directions thanks to the excellent care they are giving her. I am working part time so am still spending plenty of time with her and can actually be more organised about doing fun things together on my non working days. My husband is looking after her one day a week as well, so they are getting some proper time together too. I have no need to feel in any way guilty that I am enjoying being at work again.

I think sometimes I have listened too much to the opinions of the world around me, particularly through social media, without looking at what would be best for me and my family. It is hard to switch off from the cacophony of voices from all directions, but I am learning that sometimes it is best to follow my gut and not listen to all and every different opinion out there. I am learning that actually sometimes I know my family best (much as I have always hated the phrase 'Mum knows best'!)

So, as I continue with the new normal this term, I am able to be confident in my own decision making, and that I have a God who is with me and working in my life in ways I may not be expecting. It's a good feeling to have.

Rising to the challenge

During the last few months I have been giving myself challenges to change my life. Some of them have had major effects, such as beginning to drive after an eleven year hiatus, and others have been more difficult to rise to.

The driving has been a mixed blessing. When I first got my car a couple of months back, I thought that the anxiety I had felt about driving would magically disappear. However, after a few weeks I was disappointed to find that this was not the case. I have managed to get used to a few local journeys that I make regularly, but when I am trying to go somewhere bigger or unfamiliar, I get panicky and am still not happy about driving, even though I have a sat-nav and allow plenty of time. It is still an ongoing challenge, although for getting around locally it has made a massive difference to my life and that of my family, particularly in getting to and from our church and regular toddler group. I am glad that I got myself to a point where I was able to help our family in this way, but part of me sometimes wishes I had an excuse to just get the bus and not push myself so much.

The most recent challenge, which I am still trying to push myself towards, is that of being more physically active. For some reason I am still unable to fathom, I signed myself up for a Couch to 5K course in my local park, and just under a month ago, I started pushing myself every week to pant my red-faced wobbly way around the course with a group of others (who appear to be doing a little better than me) with the encouragement of an instructor who has been trying her best to make us feel that running could be a fun activity. We have been alternating jogging and walking, and it is increasing incrementally each week.

Now, anyone who has known me for even a short while will know that, whilst I am able to do a short sprint to the bus stop, I am not a naturally sporty or active person. In fact, even at school I was one of those kids who would rather have their nose in a book than be outside and running around. It has taken a massive change of mind to get myself to a point where I would voluntarily sign myself onto a course that has anything to do with running. I have been a little overweight for years, and after having my daughter I did not have the willpower to make any effort to lose the weight through exercise. I have been gently reminded by a number of people that being a little bit more active would bring more benefits such as extra energy and less chance of being depressed.

Well, so far, the running has not given me more energy, I have been exhausted the day after each time I've been out. I've been aching all over and it is such a challenge to get round the course, especially on the 'homework runs' we have to complete between each session. I have also been having a lot of issues with depression in recent months. However, I am determined to carry on even though it is definitely getting harder each time. I am also lucky enough to have made a friend who has been doing the course with me, and have been really enjoying the chance to get to know her. I think having someone alongside me has been making all the difference.

Having someone who is able to come alongside us is so important in all challenges of our lives. I believe that God gives us people to travel part of our journey with us at key points in our lives. I have been fortunate enough to have a number of people who have been alongside me for various points of my life, from the minister who played a key role in helping me to escape my abusive ex, to the friends who have been helping me to realise that I am being a good mother to my toddler. Not to mention my husband, who has been alongside me in so many ways since we met. In the Bible it says that God brings us alongside others going through similar experiences so that we can encourage them with the comfort that we ourselves received first (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). It is good to know that we have a God who cares about us so much that he not only helps us himself, but gives us others to be alongside us along the way.

There will always be challenges that I come up against, and I will have to keep finding strength and willpower to keep pushing on. But I am confident that I will keep trying and that God will provide me with people to encourage me along the way.

Positive anniversary time!

Last month was a time of anniversaries of unpleasant experiences and difficult times. I am so glad to say that this month is the month of happy anniversaries and good memories. This coming week is my wedding anniversary, and later this month it is the anniversary of meeting my husband. (We met just under a year before our wedding).

I am so happy that I have been able to move on enough in my life to meet and marry my soul mate. I know a lot of people say these things and I am risking being incredibly cheesy, but I really feel that he is the right person for me. I was in a bad way when I met him, not sure if I could trust anyone enough to enter a relationship. I had just had an on-off relationship with someone who wasn't sure of his own feelings, the first relationship I had attempted after the abuse, and I wasn't sure how I could meet anyone normal / sensible / ready for a relationship.  I had had a few years of the disconcerting feeling that I wanted someone to be kind and romantic, being attracted to various people who weren't interested and finding that I was too scared anyway. I was convinced I was unlovable and too messed up in the head for anyone to really want me, and yet I kept finding that I was still a romantic at heart and wanted to be loved for being me. I was also convinced that because nobody would want me, I would never be able to become a mother, which had been a dream of mine since childhood. I became angry at people I knew who were having children, and horribly jealous. It was very difficult and I remember praying that God either send me someone to marry or take away the desire to have a child as I just couldn't understand why he would give me such a strong desire for something that would never be able to happen.

Being introduced to my husband by some lovely matchmaking mutual friends was a big risk for me. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea but decided that I had nothing to lose. I had known my friends for a while, and they had known my now husband for over eight years and so I decided to trust their judgement and exchange emails and facebook messages before meeting so I could suss out what he was like. I prayed about it a lot and asked for advice from family and friends before deciding to actually meet him, but once we met, we hit it off so easily and so amazingly well that it was hard to believe we had only just met. Finding someone who I could truly relax with was awesome, and I still can't believe that I have someone so much like me who believes in me so much.

Our wedding day was just what I always wanted. Simple but lovely, with all the people I could have wanted there, with the exception of my grandparents, who sadly had passed away before they ever got to meet my husband and see me find happiness. We chose the hymns that mattered to us, including 'Be Thou my Vision', because for us, the service was the most important part. I will never forget walking into the church and seeing so many lovely people there wishing us both all the best. The reception was fun too, but it was the service that really mattered to me. I wanted to give thanks to God for bringing me to that point in my life, from the bad times to the good ones. The reading we chose was significant too. My ex had always used scripture as a weapon to make me do as he wanted, especially Ephesians 5:22-24, which says that wives are to submit to their husbands. However, for our wedding we chose this passage but put it in context, so had the reading from verse 21 to verse 33, and from The Message translation. If you're not familiar with the passage we chose, it starts by saying that everyone should submit to one another out of love for Christ. It then says wives are to submit to their husbands, but husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church (in other words, be prepared to die for her). It was really important to me to reclaim this passage for its true meaning.

This doesn't mean that I promised to obey my husband in our wedding vows. Submission and obedience are two different things. I'm not going to go into this here as its quite complicated, but needless to say, it was my decision to have this reading at our wedding as a sign to myself and to everyone else that I was free to make my own choices in this relationship.

And of course, just over a year and a half later, we had our daughter and I had no reason to be angry or jealous of my friends or family any more for having their children. I had always felt guilty for feeling that way anyway. I sometimes find parenting really hard, but it's a journey I am very glad to be on.

It's nice to be able to write about positive anniversaries after the unhappy remembrances of April. I'm trying to remind myself to look at the more recent past and enjoy what I have, and to look forward to the future too.

I make no apology for how soppy this post has been, by the way!

The difficult choice to be positive

Today marks the anniversary of the start of the last five days of living with my ex.  The anniversary of the worst of the assaults, the rape and the sleep deprivation which culminated in my ex telling me I had to leave as he was worried about what he would do to me next. The anniversary week of being told by the police that they may well have been dealing with me as a murder victim had I remained in the situation any longer.

Every year I have flashbacks where I relive what happened. Or at the very least, memories keep edging their way into my conscious thoughts and I find myself constantly having to bat them away or fill my mind with other things to keep myself distracted. Every April I tell myself, 'it's been so long, maybe that reaction will have gone away this year'. And every year I find that it hasn't.

I have had years where I have been less burdened with memories. I have tried various tactics to combat their appearance. I have had days to myself, to process everything. I have had times where I have chosen to forget the anniversary entirely (this was not at all successful and resulted in me sitting in church in tears - a bit embarrassing, to tell the truth as I then felt I needed to explain why I was crying...) and this year I have decided to do something a little different.

I am having a party with some of my lovely friends to celebrate the freedom that I now have. I am not sure if I will feel in the party mood by the time the day arrives, but I think if I can surround myself all morning with people and make myself be up-beat, I may just make it through that day without getting bogged down in negative emotions.

I am choosing to be positive, because if I think about it without the emotions and the memories popping into my head, there is so much to be thankful for. I have achieved much since my ex was arrested - not to blow my own trumpet, but it ranges from being brave enough to go to his sentencing hearing, to getting myself back into my old job and all that entailed within eight months, to going back to university and studying for my master's degree in a city I had never lived in before, all whilst suffering from PTSD.... Plus I have found and married someone who is truly good and caring, and have a beautiful (if rather challenging) little girl who fills my days with so much activity that there isn't much time to think about anything else!

It is not easy to choose to be positive with all this temptation to focus on the bad experiences I had, but I believe it is really important. Along with choosing to forgive my ex, which I still struggle with enormously, focussing on the celebration of my freedom rather than the intrusive memories gives me the possibility of one day leaving it all behind and being able to live in the present with the life that I now have. I believe that this is what God is calling me to do, and that somehow I can help others to do this too.

The valley of dry bones

I wrote this post as an anonymous guest blogger for Restored's blog (originally just for the Survivors' Network but eventually to be included in their website blog), but thought you might like to read it here too:

I am a survivor, and my story has been shared many times, in many places, to raise awareness of domestic abuse and how it can happen to anyone. It was a gradual increase from working on my self-esteem, to cutting me off from my family and friends, controlling my money and my social contact, and finally, to extreme violence. It took me by surprise and I was in denial even afterwards as to how it could have happened to me. But fortunately it was taken seriously by the authorities and my ex was given a considerable custodial sentence.

After I left my ex and moved back in with my parents, I started to question why God had allowed such a horrendous thing to happen to me. I had been told by the police that in terms of injuries, mine was one of the worst cases they had dealt with, and they believed that I would have been killed by my abuser if I had remained in the situation for just a few days more. These thoughts started to circulate in my head and I started to question how a God who loved me could have stood by and let me be so badly treated without any sign of reprieve until the day I finally managed to leave.

It took many months, perhaps even years of working through this that I finally realised that God does love me and was always with me, but I was totally unaware of it at the time. There’s a passage in Ezekiel 37 (verses 1-14) that came to me at the time and still resonates with me now.

The prophet Ezekiel is taken in a vision to a valley full of dry, dead bones. The Lord tells him to prophesy to them, to tell them that the Lord says he will make them join together again, be covered with tendons, and muscles and skin. Ezekiel does as he is told, and the bones join together in front of him, and become covered in flesh, but they are not alive. Then God tells him to tell the wind to come and blow life into the dead and they stand up and come back to life. God explains to Ezekiel that these bones represent the people of Israel and how they are feeling cut off from God, and then makes a promise that the people will be brought back to the land of Israel and he will put his spirit in them.

The reason that this passage has resonance with me is this: My faith died when I left my abusive ex. It had been struggling for a while but I had been clinging onto it with all my might even through the bad times because it felt as if it was all I had left of my deepest self, that hadn’t already been beaten or somehow taken from me already. But because I somehow couldn’t deny God’s existence, I felt I couldn’t totally turn my back on him, which is why I ended up searching for answers instead of just denying he was there at all. The main thing that I couldn’t understand was how God could be a God of love and yet watch me go through such horrendous experiences without doing anything, seeing as I had been led to believe in a God of miracles. But as I searched further, I realised that he did a lot more than I realised.

I was given someone to keep an eye out for me long before I realised I needed it. I had for a while attended a local church (before my ex got suspicious of me going and made it too difficult), where the minister had expressed concern and offered to help me any time I needed it. Two years later when I needed to get away somewhere safe, he was the person I called. The next door neighbours had long had concerns about me and had reported it to the police on a number of occasions, both at the house we had lived at last, and at our previous address. When the police needed to gather evidence, both sets of neighbours were willing to give statement which assisted the trial no end. These were people who I had barely met, and to this day have been unable to thank, but am so grateful to them. Finally, when things had reached their worst point, my ex suddenly turned around one day and told me I had to leave as he was worried about what he would do to me next, and a few hours later, he walked me to the bus stop and waved me off. The next time I saw him was in court when I attended his sentencing hearing (once he had changed his plea to guilty on all charges, another miracle). Even the willingness of my very caring workplace to give statements to the police for use in the trial was further evidence of God’s help as I had been unable to share with anyone what had been going on. God was there but I did not see him at work.

God restored my faith through loving friends and family, and various churches I attended over the years. I was able to question and challenge on many occasions about where God is when we suffer. My faith came back together and had life breathed back into it, and I was able to reaffirm my baptismal vows a few years ago as a result. God is with me and I know that he loves me and will never let me go.

The effects of taking up a challenge

Last time I wrote in this blog I talked about taking up driving again, and how I was facing up to my fears. Well, a few weeks on, I thought you might be interested to know how that is going.

Well, first of all, the driving itself is going well. I am beginning to think about looking for a car of my own, and although I do not yet feel that I could drive without an instructor by my side, I feel that with the right amount of forcing myself to practise, I could get confident enough to at least cope with short, local journeys until I build up to more difficult driving.

Facing up to my fears has been a bit more challenging. I rather naively thought that once I started facing my fears, all of the stress and anxiety would melt away. Unfortunately this has not exactly happened how I thought it would. Put simply, just because you are being brave and facing your fears does not make the fear itself go away. You still feel the fear, but have resolved to continue in spite of it. This is what I have been reminding myself of repeatedly in the last few weeks. I am still afraid of not being a safe enough driver, of being dangerous to myself and other road users by not being able to drive as well as I ought. But I have to keep reminding myself that I was deemed safe enough to drive all that time ago when I passed my test, and I can regain that level of competence with practice.

I am focussed on the goal of the independence that car ownership will bring. I am choosing to look at that rather than at the nerves and stress I currently experience behind the wheel when I am taken by my instructor through busy traffic (particularly if it involves roundabouts!). There's a great couple of verses in Paul's letter to the Philippians, chapter 3 verses 13-14, which talks of a man running a race, keeping his eyes fixed on the prize in front of him. This passage is talking about the prize of heaven, but it is a good analogy for what I am trying to say as well.

But the next few weeks will be challenging. Not only do I hope to start my search for my own car, but I will also have the yearly flashbacks and unwanted emotions that have plagued me for a number of years since my abusive relationship ended. Even when I choose not to think about it, I remember the way I was treated, just how horrendous it all was, and I mentally count down another year of his sentence gone, another year less of his incarceration... I find myself dwelling on things that are best forgotten, even when I tell myself that it is all in the past and not part of my life any more.

It is in these moments that I need to remind myself what I have achieved. I have faced the fear and survived; no, more than that, I have overcome. I kept my faith in God and would now consider it to be stronger than when my ex tried to take it from me. I healed physically and mentally, and am now tackling my fear of driving which was a result of the mental health scars I had. I found a loving relationship, married and have a child - something I would never have considered possible. I went back to university, proved to myself that I have a brain and am capable of so many things he made me believe I wasn't.

In fact, I would love to turn the anniversary of his arrest into a celebration of my own freedom, rather than a series of flashbacks looking at what he did in the days leading up to that day. I am thinking of trying to organise some kind of special day with friends, so am going to get planning!

Who's in the driving seat?

I have a confession to make. It wasn't something I realised that I was doing until recently, but I have now come to the point where I am aware and have to say:

I was living in fear, and now it's time for that to stop.

I'm not talking about the fear I experienced whilst living in an abusive situation. I have only ever been in an abusive relationship once, and that happened a number of years ago now. I am not afraid of any person currently in my life. Nor am I afraid of the future and what it might hold, or of what other people think of me and the way that I live my life. I am not afraid of the memories I hold of the past, although for a long while that was a big obstacle in my life which I needed to work out how to overcome.

I am talking about being afraid of my own mental health, and how it might affect my ability to cope with my life.

A number of years ago, during the abusive relationship but before I was aware of how abusive it was, I was lucky enough to pass my driving test. However, due to various circumstances including moving cities less than a week later, and then increasing financial abuse by my ex and other reasons I can't remember, I never drove again. Then once I was recovering from the abuse, I had to battle for a number of years with post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety and panic attacks. Driving never seemed like a sensible consideration and I was also able to use the excuse that I didn't have the money anyway. Plus I found out that PTSD is a condition that you are supposed to declare to the DVLA (Driver Licensing Agency in the UK), and so I was able to use that as another reason not to try as I hadn't actually told them about it.

But more recently life has caught up with me a bit. Although my family lives in a city with good transport links and we live close to bus routes, it has become increasingly difficult for us to get around with a toddler who would frankly rather be doing something more interesting than catching yet another bus. And going anywhere outside our city is extremely difficult and expensive. Having been in our current flat for the last year and a half, in an area where I have only recently been getting to know people locally (mainly through our church, which is about 20 mins away by bus), it has been a very lonely experience which has made me feel rather isolated. It got me thinking: What if I tried driving again? The main reason I hadn't wanted to try (apart from the cost of buying and running a car) was that I was afraid of freaking out behind the wheel. What I remembered of my driving lessons involved me feeling rather stressed about dealing with other road users and being intimidated by large and fast roads. So earlier this year I contacted the DVLA about my PTSD and they confirmed me fit to drive, so I could no longer use that as an excuse. I also recently finished a course of counselling and feel more confident about not having any more issues with panic or stress.

So in the end I decided that to have a lesson or two with a driving instructor in a dual-controlled car would be worth it just to see if I could cope, and that if it all went horribly wrong, I had at least found that out.

My first lesson was last Friday. It was with some trepidation that I got into the car with the instructor, who took me to a quiet road nearby. I remembered how to adjust the seat to the most comfortable driving position, and where my mirrors should be. And we set off. I had thought we would start off with a small estate or cul-de-sac type area like where my instructor in my home town had started teaching me as a beginner. But this instructor took me on a road which soon became a bit faster, and eventually involved dual carriageways, roundabouts, and an industrial estate with lots of lorries. I actually had to watch my speed a number of times as I had been putting my foot down a bit too much. Apart from stopping at junctions a little sooner than I needed, and doing emergency stops instead of stopping gently, I was amazed at how well I could drive. Not only did I not freak out at the wheel, I enjoyed myself and felt in control of the car pretty much all of the time.

I arrived home energised and excited, far from the exhausted and stressed feeling I was expecting to be feeling. I had overcome a massive hurdle that was, to a great extent, of my own making. I realised that I have spent so many years being afraid of what might happen with my own mental health that I had forgotten to try actually living.

I will be taking more lessons to get myself back into practice before I actually get a car of my own, but this has been such a great encouragement and a big lesson to me about how big my problems can seem until I get up close and see them for what they really are. My mental health has had to get into the back seat so that I can be in the driving seat once more and take control of my life.

And where does my faith fit into all of this? Well, I am aware that there are some schools of thought around mental health issues which can make sufferers feel guilty for having a mental health problem when they are told that they are not trusting God enough and are allowing themselves to be dominated by their problems. This is not Christian thinking, it is a false interpretation of a situation which is clearly not understood by those who are proclaiming those views and who are fortunate enough not to have to deal with the issues themselves. As I see it, God is with me in whatever situation I am in. The things that I have been battling with are due to chemical imbalances or faulty wiring in the brain and have nothing to do with my mind and how I think or feel about anything.

So, to use a driving analogy once more, I am in the driving seat of my life, but God is the sat-nav. He guides me along the best routes for me and tells me what to do and where to go, but I have to choose to follow his directions and listen to him. There's a great verse in Proverbs that says 'In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.'

Valentine's Day - a few thoughts

I have had variety of different views on Valentine's Day over the years, depending on my circumstances at the time.

When I was single, but didn't want to be, it just seemed like an event created by the greetings card industry, to make couples feel smug, and lonely singletons to feel there was something wrong with them and be reminded that they didn't have anyone to share it with. I remember one particular year when I felt so rubbish about it that I spent it with one of my single female friends eating takeaway pizza and watching 'Die Hard'! It was a surprisingly good evening!

When I was in a relationship (before I met my abuser), it was a chance to feel reassured that the relationship was continuing well and that we could have a nice date and enjoy feeling special.

When I was with my abuser, it was a way for him to remind me that I wasn't perfect. I was under pressure to make it a special occasion, whilst at the same time spending as little as possible (so that he didn't get upset about spending money). I don't remember many years when he made a fuss of me for Valentine's Day, as far as I can remember it was only me making the effort.

Since getting married, it has had less significance as me and my husband have been trying to have more 'dates' anyway. We don't need to reassure one another through the exchange of cards and possibly gifts that we love each other - our wedding day did that very nicely. But it was a lot easier before our daughter was born. We used to go out for meals on quite a regular basis, as we used to live near lots of lovely restaurants.

Since our daughter was born, we have had to make a much bigger effort to spend time together on our own. We haven't been out for many meals without her, and we won't be going out for Valentine's Day this year. But I think it is nice to be reminded to make an extra effort, even though it feels as if the entire day has been invented to make us buy more chocolates and flowers! It is rather like Mother's Day and Father's Day - even though these days are more or less commercial inventions, it is nice to tell our mothers and fathers how much we appreciate them, and to be on the receiving end of that appreciation too.

But I do find the commercialism a bit ridiculous. Yesterday I had an email from a well-known warehouse type store (beginning with A) telling me that I should buy things from their sale for Valentine's Day because 'I deserved it' apparently. How buying cut-price furniture and children's toys could be something I deserved, let alone in that context, is something I am still having trouble getting my head around!

So there you have it. I have gone from thinking the day was the worst one of the year, to thinking it's nice, to thinking it's highlighting my imperfections, to thinking it's a nice reminder to make an extra effort (as long as you ignore the commercialism). But love should be all year around, and so should appreciating one another, whether in a relationship or not.

What I have learned about putting others first without neglecting myself

At the moment my church is doing a series on 'Soul Care', based on the book by John Ortberg. It's really got me thinking and realising that I have not always been very good at looking after myself and giving myself space to be 'me', not just a wife and mother.

It's so easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day activities that need to be done, to put off time alone or time with my husband or friends until an indefinite day that never materialises. It's automatic to deal with what's in front of you first. But I need to learn sometimes to prioritise that time over the other things. I do appreciate what I have now, in spite of the difficulties I sometimes face in trying to deal with the demands of a two-year-old and all that brings.

I remember a time when life was never about me, when I spent much of my time trying to make someone else happy (who could never be satisfied), and trying to suppress all my own wishes or desires if they did not agree or fit in with what was being focussed on. I remember the few small victories I had such as insisting that we have a holiday somewhere nice, paying for it from my own savings and then finding that the trip itself was ruined by the attitudes and sometimes unpredictable angry behaviour of my travelling companion. I also remember when I was hurting, whether emotionally (such as being bereaved twice during that relationship) or physically (when I was told it didn't hurt), and being told that my focus should still not be on myself and my own difficulties, but on the person who was offering me no support at all. In the end I stopped thinking about myself and my own needs as it was easier to get from day to day if I didn't.

My soul suffered a great deal at that time, from being neglected. I forgot who I was and what mattered to me. I forgot that God was with me and loved me. I was angry, and hurt, and alone, even afterwards when I left the abusive relationship and was restored to my loving family . Gradually the lights began to come on again. I started listening to music again, and gradually it began to help me come back to my old self. But making music, that was another matter. I had some injuries to my wrists that made it hard to play the piano or the violin for some time, which was upsetting for me. In fact, there was some concern at first that I may not be able to play again, although fortunately it gradually improved. But singing, that was different. Before the abuse I used to love to sing. It was a talent that I loved to have, and I was much more confident when I sang than at any other time. I found that my soul was lifted by singing, and I enjoyed singing in choirs and all sorts of other music too. But after the abuse, I could not sing. I was too unhappy and it was too emotional for me to try. I didn't want my voice to be heard and I was unable to sing without crying. Gradually I became able to sing again, but it took me years, and I still do not enjoy it as much as I used to. I sometimes hear choral music and it brings a lump to my throat and an aching feeling that I am missing something that used to be a deep part of me, but I am not sure how to make this feeling better.

But looking after my soul now is easier than it was. While my daughter is still young enough to take naps most days, I have been trying to take time to do things I enjoy. I have a loving husband who prays with me and and consciously tries to work with me to build a strong relationship. He understands that I need time on my own or time with friends. He does not make unreasonable demands to be the centre of attention and he understands when I am feeling bad. I feel I can talk to him and he will listen. If our daughter is being demanding, he will take her for a little walk or play with her to give me some space. I am free to figure out what I need to make my soul feel better. That isn't to say that I am not still having days when I struggle or feel like it's all a bit overwhelming. I think that's just par for the course when you have a young child, especially if you stay at home with them full time.

But compared with my old life, this one is much easier. Plus, I know that I have the love of my husband, my daughter, my friends and family, and above all, my God.

Finding joy in the simple things

Finding joy in the simple things in life can be great fun. Having a toddler around has taught me a new appreciation for enjoying the moment and simply enjoying playing and being silly together.

When we become adults, we lose so much in the way of the ability to marvel at the world around us and simply be thankful for what we have. We forget how to find beauty and awe in our surroundings.

The other day, we went for a family trip out, and while waiting for the bus, my husband and daughter went and looked at a tree. She was so amazed at how big it was, and how the bark was so many different colours. She was really interested that it had no leaves on. To me, if I hadn't had her there, I would have just looked at it and thought, 'That's a tree'. My reaction is not unusual, but thinking more about her reaction made me think about how wonderful the natural world is. I am sure that God loves it when we look at his creation and think 'wow!'

Explaining to my daughter what frost is and why the grass was all white and cold this morning was fun too. She had to bend down and touch it to understand what I was telling her. Again, she was really excited by it and was keen to explore what it was. I think that God wants us to be like that with us, for us to hear of his goodness and be excited by it and want to explore it and understand it more. This week I am thinking of this a lot more than usual as our church is having a 'Prayer Week', with ideas to help us to pray more and spend more time listening to what God wants to say to us. I think that he is calling all of us to be a lot simpler in our relationship with him, to trust in him and let him walk with us and lead us where he wants us to go.

God also wants us to have joy in our hearts. Toddlers are so good at this. My daughter and I have had so many moments recently where we have had fun doing simple silly things, like dancing round our lounge to our favourite music (either classical radio, or blues seem to be the favourites at the moment!). I am so grateful that nobody ever sees this - although I would love to be as uninhibited as my toddler, I know that I would be incredibly embarrassed if I knew anyone was actually watching! We have also had a number of other crazy games like shuffling up and down our hallway on our bottoms (this one would have been even more embarrassing for others to see than my dancing!). So many different ways to simply enjoy being together and playing. But however we may feel about others seeing our embarrassing moments, whatever they may be, God wants to share in those things with us. Doing those silly things with my daughter has been such tremendous fun, and seeing her laughing has been the best part. God wants us to be as uninhibited with him as a toddler is with their parent when they are playing together, and to share our joy with him.

No matter what is going on in our lives, there are always small things to be grateful for, Even in the very worst of times, when I was having a terrible time with my ex, and a lot of family stuff was happening at the same time, it was possible to have some small thing to appreciate. It takes the determination to find something good in everything. I haven't always been good at it, and there have been times when it seemed too much to even try. But whether it's a beautiful sunny day, your favourite food, a song you enjoy, or an unexpected surprise, once you start looking for good things to appreciate, there are so many things you can be grateful for. The aftermath of the abuse was the most difficult time I had been through apart from the abuse itself, but during that time I realised what a loving family I had, and how many good friends I had too. In the darkest of times I was blessed by those around me.

God wants us to approach him as little children. I read somewhere that he wants us to be 'childlike' and not 'childish'. He wants us to be simple in our relationship with him, to be open and honest and let him see the innermost part of our being, like a toddler is with his or her parents. He loves us and wants us to know him and simply enjoy being with him, like my toddler enjoys playing with me. That doesn't necessarily mean he wants us to publicly embarrass ourselves in public by shuffling on our bottoms or doing bad dancing though! That is just between me and my lovely toddler....

Moving forward

Moving forward after a significant negative event in your past is very difficult, especially when you feel it has had a strong effect in shaping the life in which you are now living. This is something which has challenged and still continues to challenge me to this day.

Looking back can have two opposite effects. It can remind you how far you have come, how much you have achieved and how much better your life is now than it was. This is the positive way of looking at it. But it can also have a negative effect. It can remind you how bad things were, and how much your life changed since the events that shaped you. It can sometimes remind you of what you have lost or the things you have had to let go of. In looking back too often, you can remain chained to old ways of thinking or tied to anger about the past that may no longer have relevance in your life now. I have periodically swung between these two ways of looking back, and it has been hard to remain on the positive side.

But I have found one way which has helped me to move on a bit, and which I trust to continue to help me in the future. This is something which I always found impossible to believe in until I was in that position myself: Forgiveness.

I always viewed with extreme scepticism any media reports that said things like 'this family lost a child due to bombings by the IRA, but they have forgiven their child's murderer'. I always thought: 'How can anyone forgive like that? And how could they decide so quickly to forgive? Do they really mean it, or is it just a way to get the media to cover their story?'. I found it impossible to accept that it should be necessary to forgive someone in those circumstances, particularly if the perpetrator had not shown any remorse for their actions, or in some circumstances, if the perpetrator had died or killed themselves. But I had to re-evaluate this view when I found myself in a position where I was so, so very angry about being so badly treated and left with so many injuries, physical, mental and spiritual, but my abuser showed no remorse - even trying to blame me for his actions during a trial in which he was pleading guilty for what he was charged with (try to figure that one out, if you will!)

I came to realise that I had had a faulty view of forgiveness which was keeping me from letting go of the hurt, the pain and the anger which could never be fully resolved without some kind of action on my part. In my understanding, in order to forgive, I first had to receive an apology. I then had to let go of all of my feelings about the events and the person who wronged me, and simply forget the lot. In my view that was asking too much. I thought that that was what the bible taught as well, that the way that God deals with us is that we ask his forgiveness, he lets us off the hook and then forgets all about it. I thought that we are supposed to do the same, and not necessarily take any action to avoid that person being in our life. However, this can be a dangerous view of forgiveness. In abusive relationships, including the one I had, the abuser can demand forgiveness, expect the matter to never be raised again, and never be made to account for his actions, as well as ensuring that the victim is never able to justify leaving or avoiding a situation for her own safety due to the abuse that has taken place previously.

In fact, if we view forgiveness as the abuser does, or as I did, then it means that we end up believing in a God who would rather keep us enslaved in abuse and danger than safe and protected, something which I do not believe is true. God does not expect us to overlook sin as he does, without making sure that we are safe. In other words, he does not expect victims to stay with their abusers and believe that it won't happen again without taking action to protect themselves from harm. In asking for forgiveness, an abuser can be using the victim's trust and hope that the future will be better, in order to manipulate her.

True forgiveness is very different. It is a process, not a one-off event, and it can take some time. I am not talking about forgiving a small thing that can easily be resolved. I am talking about the big, horrible, difficult things that can tear people apart and can fester inside someone and make them bitter and angry long after the events that caused them have passed out of most people's memories. The abuse I suffered was one such thing. I was determined never to let my ex off the hook. Even though he was serving a custodial sentence and would never be allowed to contact me again, I was determined that I would never forget what he did. In fact, remembering what he did was the easy part - I had plenty of physical and mental reminders for that. The hard part was moving forward and letting that part of my life go.

In the end, I had to make a choice: to let my life be dominated by a particularly unpleasant part of my past, or to let go and allow it to become a distant memory. I wanted to let go of the hurt, but didn't know how, until I was challenged to forgive my abuser - something which I resisted for a long time. Why should I forgive someone who not only isn't sorry, but has actually blamed me for his actions? But I found that without at least trying to forgive him, I was never going to be able to let go. It would always be there at the back of my mind.

As a Christian, I also had the added concern that Jesus taught us in the Lord's prayer 'forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us'. So that made me wonder if I could be a Christian and not forgive him. I had to make a choice. But if I forgave him, it meant that I had to allow that he could ask for and receive God's forgiveness - something which I was not happy about, and still struggle with.

But forgiveness not only helps us to grow closer to God, it also benefits the forgiver. If you forgive someone it means that you no longer have to be angry at them. You no longer have to view them as objects of contempt. Although I will never have contact with my ex, and so he will never know, I actually feel more pity for him than anything. Now I am in a happy and secure relationship, I pity the man who thought he had to use force and seize affection in order to feel cared for, and had to intimidate in order to make himself have self-worth. It is pitiable that a man had to imprison his girlfriend in her own home in order to know that he had a partner who wasn't going to leave him. I still feel anger, of course - I would not be human if I didn't - but I no longer feel I have to do anything about it. If he turns to God, he will find that his conscience does the work of showing him he was wrong. And if he doesn't, then I believe he will be judged by God at the end of time. Either way, it is between him and God, and I no longer need to be a part of that. That is what forgiveness has given me - freedom.

It has also enabled me to leave most of the past behind me and not allow the abuse I suffered to define the relationship I have with my husband and daughter. They do not need to be concerned with the events of a past that they had no part in, although I have been getting involved with a few things including a charity called Restored (www.restoredrelationships.org if you are interested) in order to raise awareness of domestic abuse, so my past does occasionally get talked about. But now that I have a better life, I am always able to put it in the context of something which happened once and will never happen again.

I know it sounds impossible, but if you are in a similar position, it is well worth trying to let go of that anger and forgive the person who has wronged you. I found that by prayer and by talking to people who I trusted, I was able to let go of so much. And if I am having a bad day and feel angry and upset again, which happens from time to time, I remind myself that forgiveness is a process, and find someone to talk it over with. It helped me, I hope it helps you too.

New beginnings

As we start a new year, it is inevitable that I have started to turn my thoughts towards new beginnings and leaving behind old things. This has been reflected in my life so many times and in so many ways, and in my walk with God too.

The coming of a new start gives us hope of a change, of life turning for the better, We can begin afresh, knowing that it is possible to define a new direction and head towards a different goal. For many people this will involved the making of new year's resolutions, or for others, a new home or new job, or new baby. In my case, I have had a number of new beginnings, to name but a few:  leaving my ex, studying for a new qualification, reaffirming my baptismal vows, meeting my husband, having our daughter. Each of these has brought new challenges as well as a change of direction.

Leaving my ex was something that at the time didn't feel very positive or something to be celebrated, except to know that I was safe and well after so long of that not being the case. But it had so many positive effects in the longer term that looking back at it now feels very different. I was free once more to make my own decisions, to choose my own clothes, to spend my own money and find out what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to reconnect with my family, to make good some of the divisions that my relationship with him had created, and to rediscover friendships that I had been forced to toss aside. I realised that I had some awesome friends and hadn't even been aware of it. These friends were so caring that when I told them what had happened, they rallied round to help. They helped my mum to clear out the house and garden that I had been sharing with my ex so that it could be returned to the landlord in as good a state as possible (in spite of the damage that had been caused while we were living there). Some of these friends put me and my mum up when we came up to see my ex sentenced, even though it had to be short notice as the courts didn't give us much warning of the date (as I wasn't needed for the trial, so in the court's view, I didn't need to be there). My friends even came with me and mum to the sentencing hearing to support us as we looked him in the eyes for the first time since I left him, and we saw him put in prison. Seeing him sentenced enabled me to close the chapter and begin to recover my life and figure out who I was and what I wanted. My relationships with my friends and family following such a long period of being deprived of both were the most positive thing I could ever have wished for to have come out of such a horrible experience. I haven't told them often enough how much this meant, but if any of them are reading this, THANK YOU.

The most significant thing in my spiritual life in recent years was the reaffirming of my baptismal vows a few years back. I actually wanted to be baptised by full immersion as a public statement that I had rediscovered my faith and wanted to make a new start with God, but as my now husband and I were attending an Anglican church at the time, I was told that I could not be baptised as I had been christened as a baby and then confirmed as a teenager. But I was allowed to 'reaffirm' my baptismal vows and have full immersion as part of that, so as far as I understand, it was pretty much the same thing in the end!

Baptism is a very potent symbol in the Bible. Much like marriage does not define the start of the relationship between a couple but is a public declaration of a relationship already existing, so baptism is a public declaration of a relationship between a person and God. It is a way of saying 'This is how I want to live my life from now on'. Although some churches baptise with a small amount of water on the top of the head, many churches baptise people by being lowering them backwards into water and bringing them up again (full immersion). The lowering of the person into the water until they are fully immersed symbolises death - death of the old self. Then the bringing them back up again symbolises the resurrection and a new start - new life with Christ. Christians also believe that the Holy Spirit, part of God Himself, comes to live within us when we start a new relationship with him. But as I said above in my comparisons between marriage and baptism, this is not necessarily something that happens at baptism, but which happens earlier when we decide that we want to have a relationship with God.

It is for this reason that my husband and I decided not to have our daughter baptised as a baby, but to bring her up with a knowledge of God and the opportunity to decide for herself when she is older. Of course, we hope that she will start on her own journey of faith and make a commitment, but this has to be her own decision, and in the meantime we will continue to encourage her and pray for her. She already enjoys reading her bible story board books, and we often pray together as a family, so she knows about God and probably does have some form of faith of her own. In fact, because we often pray for one another when someone has hurt themselves or is feeling unwell, she has got in the habit of coming up to me in particular and praying for my back if she thinks I look like I need it! She also often asks to say Grace at mealtimes, something we will need to explain to others if she goes to nursery at some point in the near future. It is lovely to see her simple faith and it reminds me to be more trusting in my own faith and not to overthink myself into a corner. I am sure once she reaches the phase about asking 'why?' continuously, I will see another aspect of her faith developing!

In both our walk with God following baptism, and in my newly-rediscovered life after living under the shadow of my ex for so long, it is easy to find yourself going back into old thought patterns, old modes of behaviour, and forgetting that change happened. In my case following the abuse, it was a lack of confidence in my own abilities (which I still suffer from periodically!), a lack of connection with others from assuming the worst of how they viewed me, and general anxiety about my life and how things would go. I still have these thought patterns and I still battle to overcome them and replace them with the knowledge that I am free. I can do more than I give myself credit for and am capable of learning new things on top of that. I don't have the ability to read minds and am often surprised at how nice people can be (especially when my daughter has been having a tantrum on a long bus journey like we had the other week! I thought the lady getting off behind me would tell me what a terrible job I had done of making my child behave, but all the lady said was 'the poor lamb', as my daughter was clearly tired and hungry). And my anxiety often prompts me to plan for every eventuality, which can have a very positive outcome (like the enormous and very tasty Christmas dinner we enjoyed not long ago!). I have had to learn to be more open to good things happening, and overall it has helped. But the difference between my experiences of overcoming old thought processes etc post-abuse, and overcoming old patterns of behaviour once we have made a commitment to God, is that God can actually change us from the inside. He can help us to overcome the past and change direction, and he can heal wounds and make us whole again. Although we can make efforts in this direction on our own strength, we are not able to change our hearts like God can. And the good news is, no matter how many times we slip into old habits, he will bring us back and help us if we ask him.

So, looking towards the future, there is likely to be much that will excite, much that will disappoint and much that will cause upset or worry in the coming year. But I am trying hard not to allow myself to be so clouded by worrying about the things that may or may not happen that I forget to enjoy the present and the things which I can see. There is always much to enjoy if you look in the right places, even in the darkest of times, and it is worth remembering the verses from John's Gospel: 'In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.' (John 1:4-5). Jesus is stronger than anything we could face, and even beat death, so we have nothing to fear if we trust in him.

Happy new year.

Seasonal ponderings

In the run up to Christmas it is easy to get caught up in the pursuit of perfectionism. From early October we are bombarded with images of perfect families enjoying a wonderful fun time together, with immaculate homes and perfectly cooked food, whilst in their gorgeous clothes and smiling continually at each other. Whilst we all know that this is selling us a dream of Christmas (to quote the song by Greg Lake), it is hard to resist the feeling that this is something that we should all be aspiring to. The urge to spend money in order to show how we feel about those around us is almost overwhelming at times. In my case, the glut of cookery shows demonstrating how to make every-more complicated Christmas food from scratch has led to me feeling stressed at how I could ever find the time to make the wonderful recipes I have seen and still actually get to see my family instead of being stuck in the kitchen the whole time. In fact, I have solved this by buying some things ready-made, and researching methods for preparing the food ahead of time and finishing it off in time for the Christmas meal. But I still feel that another year, it might be nice to try and make that special recipe for cranberry sauce, or that special chocolate pudding that looks so delicious from last Christmas's recipe magazine.

The perfectionism around Christmas was particularly acute during the relationship with my ex, when I was generally expected to be perfect in every way. It was down to me to ensure that everything ran like clockwork, that we had the perfect presents for everyone (in his family; he didn't care what we gave mine). I remember one Christmas when we exchanged gifts, it turned out we had bought each other the same dvd. I opened mine first and then when I saw what it was, I managed to hide the one I had bought for him as I knew he would lose his temper if he realised the coincidence. He was so obsessed about spending money that we had to have the perfect Christmas on as close to a zero budget as possible, so if he thought that money had been wasted, he would have reacted very badly. Family visiting was also a source of major headaches - we spent a few Christmases at his parents' house, which I enjoyed, but he felt I was enjoying myself more with them than I did with him. It was difficult, as I genuinely got on well with them. When we visited my family the stress level for me went sky-high as I ended up being stuck in the middle. I won't say any more about that, but it was pretty horrendous.

But subsequent Christmases have been much better. The years brought much healing, especially with the relationship with my family. I had always been close to them before he had driven us apart, so it was nice to be able to recover some of that and grow it more. There has been some sadness too, remembering my grandparents, who both died during the last year of the relationship with my ex, and who had always played such a huge part in my family's celebration of Christmas. In a lot of ways it has never quite been the same again. But the experiences I have had have enabled me to reassess what is important to me and how I would like to celebrate the birth of Christ with those around me. I still don't like to spend much, and I like to make presents for my family. This is not because I don't want them to have nice things or because I think it would be a waste of money, but because I feel that the gifts are less important than the celebration with those we love. I enjoy finding gifts that are individual to each person, and if your budget is tight, you have to put more thought into it. I also really enjoy making things that are unique and so are special for that person. I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to live a generally simple life without too many possessions (the exception being books and dvds, of which I seem to have loads!) and do my best to appreciate what I have without feeling like I am missing out if we don't have the budget or space for more things in our little home. My faith has both helped and challenged me in this. Jesus said, 'Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or worry about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.' He then goes on to say how God will take care of us. (Luke 12:22-23). It is really hard to stop worrying, and it is very hard not to compare our lives with the image portrayed by others of how good their lives are. But we don't know that they are as happy or fulfilled as they appear - taking us back to the fake world of Christmas adverts, especially those made by the supermarkets.

Our Christmas this year is much more interesting as our toddler has just reached the age where she is aware of the tinsel and the excitement around Christmas. She is getting very excited at the lights and the decorations everywhere. We are also enjoying telling her the Christmas story and explaining that we will be celebrating Jesus's birthday, something that she will soon understand as her own birthday will be coming up in the next few days. We will be able to enjoy a Christmas where she doesn't have huge expectations about how much she will be given or how much will be spent. I am aware that as she gets older, managing these expectations and helping her to enjoy a simple celebration will become more difficult as she measures up her experiences against those of her peers. But this is what we hope to teach her one day, as well as the slightly sanitised version of the nativity story that she will obviously learn too:

God sent his own son to be born to a young mother. The baby was conceived before his mother married her fiancé, thus making him seen as illegitimate by those around him. He was born in a stable, and was visited by outcasts (who had been sent by an angel), who were considered to be the lowest in society (shepherds) because they could not take time out from the care of their livestock to attend the synagogue or other religious festivals as their religious leaders commanded. He was also visited by astrologers who had seen a particular star in the sky which denoted the birth of a king, and they gave gifts symbolising kingship (gold), priesthood (frankincense) and death (myrrh). His family then had to flee to avoid the massacre of boys his age commanded by the ruler of his region. His family became refugees in Egypt, before returning to their hometown some time later. The baby Jesus was born not just to be a cute baby, but to grow into a man who would bring the people closer to God and help them to have a relationship with him as never before. The Jewish religion was based on sacrifices to atone for sins, which were the actions or human nature that separated the people from God. But Jesus came to be a sacrifice once and for all so that the people would not need to sacrifice animals again, but could repent and come close to God without the need for someone else to do anything. The Christmas story is one of hope and of light because Jesus brought an end to the darkness and uncertainty of whether or not God would accept us, by becoming the light to show us the way to God instead.

I hope that you (and I) will be able to take some of the pressure off from perfectionism this Christmas and to marvel again at the message that God loves us and sent his son into our world so that we could get to know him better and draw close to him. Happy Christmas everyone, see you in the new year.

Advice I would like to give my daughter one day

I would give anything to make sure that my daughter never has to face what I did. Obviously, as she's a toddler at the moment she is far too young to talk to about any of it, but here's some of the advice I would like to give her one day:

You are special, unique and loved. You will always be our special girl, no matter what you do with your life. Your Heavenly Father thinks you are amazing too - he created you to be unique, and he saw you forming in my womb before you were even born. You are not a cheap copy of someone else, you are a one-off, an individual who has her own path to follow in life and her own unique combination of talents and gifts. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking differently.

You do not need to follow the crowd to be popular or successful, even if that's the message you get from the people around you or the things you see on tv or the internet. Although it's nice to feel that you are part of a crowd, you do not need to lose your own identity in order to be accepted by others. You will be more accepted for being you. There will always be people in your life who try to put you down to make themselves feel bigger. They do that because they feel you are cleverer than them, or better at something, or you are different from them in a way which they are unable to understand. Do not listen to them, they don't know you like we know you, and they don't know you like God knows you. They don't know how kind and thoughtful you are, or how much you like to make us laugh and smile. They haven't seen you when you are at your most relaxed and happy. They don't know what makes you tick, and they can't appreciate you because their eyes are not open to your special nature.

Be confident with who you are, and don't let anyone stand in your way, but be kind to those around you. Do not be someone who holds others back. Appreciate that everyone is born with unique gifts and talents, and in the same way that you do not need to listen to those who put you down, do not put others down for the same reasons. If someone is better at something than you, know that you have been given other gifts and do not turn their talent into a reason for looking for ways to attack them personally. I know it is easy to look at other people and think they are better than you, I had a friend or two growing up who were extremely bright and talented at many of the things that I wanted to be better at. But just concentrate on being the best friend you can be to those around you, and you will have a much happier life.

One day you will meet someone who you feel is special and worth keeping. Don't sell yourself short and think that just because he has shown an interest, that you have to let him into your life, unless you think he is really worth it. Look at how he treats you, not at your feelings of attraction, but at how he is in other ways. Is he kind and considerate? Does he want to listen to you and take an interest in you as a person? Does he try to make you wear different clothes, listen to different music, do things that you wouldn't normally do and which make you feel uncomfortable? If he is not letting you make decisions about your clothes, music or other things, then he is not right for you, he is not treating you as a person able to run her own life. Does he get along with your friends and family? If you have been as careful about who you choose to have as your friends as I have suggested, then their opinions and those of your family should carry weight. If he does not fit in with them or appears not to like them (and especially if he tells you as much), then alarm bells should start to ring. He will create a rift between you and those who love you and you will become isolated and less able to be part of our family. It will be harder for us to help you if things were to go badly wrong further down the line. You do not want to find yourself alone in a situation where you have no way out and nobody to turn to except your partner.

A really special man will want to share your interests, and will be keen for you to share some of his (but won't force you to). He will listen to you if you want or need to talk, and he will be open and honest with you even if it is about something difficult. He will respect your opinion, even if it is different from his own, and he will not try to force you to change anything about yourself, but will love you as you are - the unique and special person that you are. He will help you to grow as a person. Hopefully he will be a Christian too (assuming that you are, I pray you will be) and so you will have someone to pray with and to grow closer to God with too.

I pray that one day, you will become the amazing person that I can already see you have the potential to be, and that you will meet an equally amazing man who will treat you well and love you as much as we do. You are our special daughter and I am so glad to be your mother.

Believing in a God of healing when you are not yet fully healed

As a Christian, I have always believed that God heals us if we ask him, and I even experienced physical healing as a child. But I have been finding it hard in recent years to reconcile this belief in healing with the knowledge that I have been noticeably different since the abuse. I have been left with the remnants of PTSD and suffer periodically from depression and anxiety issues, which can sometimes make it very difficult to lead a normal life. I went to a Christian healing centre where the team prayed for me and I did experience a degree of healing and release from some of the things which I was struggling with. but I have still not overcome the rest.

The Bible tells us that God is a God of healing. Much of Jesus' ministry was healing the sick, not just physically but spiritually too. The story which comes to my mind is that of the paralysed man whose friends lowered him through the roof of the house where Jesus was teaching, because there were too many people to get him through the door on his mat. The first thing Jesus did was to say to him 'Your sins are forgiven'. Not physical, but spiritual healing. And then he healed the physical paralysis and the man got up and walked. (This story is found in Matthew, Mark and Luke's gospels - see Luke 5:17-25).  I believe that the Gospels are true accounts of healing, and I do believe that God heals today - as I said, I was healed as a child. But it is so easy to get bogged down in questions of why God heals some people and not others, or why he sometimes heals when we pray and not at other times. Questions about whether it is a matter of a lack of faith on the part of the person needing healing, or the person praying can get in the way. Sometimes I think God has a purpose in not healing; although he does not cause illnesses and pain, he can use them for his glory and to reach others. This does not mean that he wants us to suffer. During a prayer time in my housegroup in a previous church, one of my friends said that they felt that God was as upset over the abuse as I was, and that he was crying with me through it all and through the painful healing process. This gave me a lot of comfort.

We do need to show caution, however, in ascribing purpose to every painful experience, whether or not we encounter or ask for God's healing. Sometimes bad things just happen. They happen to everyone whether they are good or bad, Christian or non-Christian. What matters is that God is present in all our experiences, whether we sense him or not, and he helps transform the aftermath of these things so that they can become a force for good for others. Paul writes that God 'comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.' (2 Corinthians 1:4). I think of God as being the God of silver linings - he can bring good out of any bad situation, but he did not create the situation, he merely rescues it and turns it to good. However, this is often only visible in hindsight. In my case, I was certainly not aware of his presence during the abuse and was only partially aware of him afterwards, but the comfort I received from God has had a number of positive outcomes:  I have felt able to allow my case to be used to train detectives in domestic abuse, and I have begun to lobby for changes to how victims of crime are treated in the parole system. I have also got halfway through writing a book to help others rediscover their faith. I have tried hard to use the worst experience of my life to reach others and help them, but it does not change the fact that notwithstanding my husband and daughter, I would be very happy for the events of a number of years to be erased from my life.

I am aware that I have needed to undergo a range of different types of healing for the different things that I suffered. I needed physical healing for the injuries. I needed healing from being bereaved twice during the last year and a half of the relationship when I was not allowed to grieve properly. I needed spiritual healing for the damage the abuse did to my relationship with God. And I needed emotional and mental healing for the emotional abuse and the PTSD. Looking back, I can see now that I have undergone most of the physical, bereavement and spiritual healing that I needed, and although I still have difficult periods, I have healed a great deal from the mental effects too. However, it is always easier to look at how far you still have to go rather than look at how far you have come.

There's a song by Josh Groban that I listened to a lot on my way home from my EMDR treatment, which sums up what I think God wanted to say to me. It's called Don't Give Up, and I like to listen to it when I am feeling a bit low. It reminds me that God is there in the hardest of times and he will bring me back and hear and heal me.

I do believe that someday I will be released from the rest of the problems which were a result of the abuse. I am not sure when that will be, and sometimes when I am feeling low it is easy to get despondent and forget that I have a great and powerful God. I forget that we need to keep asking him for our daily bread - in other words, what we need each day. But he never gives up on us. There's a brilliant song by Matt Redman that we used to sing at my previous church that sums this up so well - You Never Let Go. If we remember that he never lets go of us, then why should we fear?

So I will continue to pray for healing for myself and for those around me who need it, even when I am not able to see the immediate results, because God is strong and powerful and his timing is always perfect.

Things that have brought a smile to my face

I discovered so many things during my recovery that brought a smile back to my face. I actually kept a book of them to read back over when I was having a bad day. Here are just a few examples:

Being able to spend my own money again and choose my own clothes. I went on such a spending spree, in just a few months I made up for years of having done no clothes shopping!

Going to see as many live stand-up and music performances as I could - in just a year and a half I went to see Eddie Izzard, Ed Byrne, Russell Howard, and a number of concerts too. I not only got to enjoy these but I also got to enjoy them with my friends - something else I had been missing.

Discovering Facebook and finding loads of old friends who I thought I had lost touch with (which has now become quite a source of time-filling for me if I'm not careful!)

Being able to cook what I liked and eat cake as much as I liked (this was fine at the start of my recovery when I was underweight. Not so great for me now though!!)

Going for walks in the countryside, enjoying being outdoors.

Reassessing the music I liked and the books I enjoyed reading - figuring out which ones I actually wanted to listen to and which I had gradually come to tolerate. This means that although other people might consider some of the music I have chosen to be unaccountably cheesy or bad, I am happy with it as I have thought about it and decided my opinion is the only one that counts!

Being able to help out with Messy Church at my local church when I had finished my MA, encouraged by a couple who knew my faith was wobbly but still wanted to encourage me to be involved. This was one of the key things that helped me get back in touch with God. I had always loved doing children's work at church over the years and just being able to be there with them really helped me a lot.

Realising that my faith has not only recovered from the trauma, it has become a lot stronger. I actually reaffirmed my baptismal vows / got re-baptised a few years back as a statement of how far I believe I had come and how my faith was alive again. It has been great realising that I am not and have never been alone, even in the darkest of times. There's a short Bible passage that sums up how I feel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.' (Isaiah 43:1a - 3a). God did not prevent the overwhelming events of my abuse taking place, but he was with me, and this will not change.

More recently, meeting a fellow Christian who was so much like me it was scary, and realising that I could trust him implicitly, and that he wasn't going to treat me like something which should be controlled or dominated, but as a whole person. Having someone to go to church with me and pray with at home was a wonderful new experience. It turned out that our meeting was the result not only of me and my house group praying together for me to find someone nice, but him and his house group (at a different church) praying the same prayer for him. I do not believe it to be a coincidence that we met and are so suited. We were married a year later and are very happy. Having a relationship where I am an equal and listened to has simply highlighted what was missing before and how much I had undervalued my own worth in settling for so much less. But I am trying hard now to look to the present and future rather than to the past.

And finally, our daughter. She is definitely the best thing I could have wished to happen to me. Often frustrating, and I sometimes find it boring being at home and having yet another teddies' picnic for the fourth time that day, but I always wanted to be a mum and before I met my husband I never believed it to be a possibility. She greets me every day with an amazing smile and loves sitting on my lap. She even doesn't seem to mind that in the mornings I am usually terribly grumpy and not functioning very well - she still wants to be around me! (I wouldn't want to be around me first thing in the morning, given the choice!)

It has helped to look at the positives. Rather like climbing a mountain, most of the time we spend looking at how far there is left to go, but sometimes it really helps to look back at the view behind us to see just how far we have come. My mountain is big and I have a long way to climb, but I would say that I have already come a very long way already.

Support and help after abuse - what's out there and how helpful I found it

Part of my journey from my old life with my abuser to my new life of freedom involved having treatment at various intervals for my mental health. The help I received over the years since leaving my ex has been varied in terms of helpfulness and levels of support.

Post traumatic stress disorder left me with horrendous nightmares by night, and flashbacks of horrible memories by day, both of which hit me only a few days after leaving my ex. It took years to heal. This was accompanied by the physical pain of the injuries that I had suffered, which served as constant reminders of the experiences I had been through. This all happened whilst the police were gathering further statements and evidence to use in his trial, which was fast-tracked through the Crown Court. I won't go into detail here, partly because I don't think it is helpful to look back on that, and partly because he is still serving his sentence and I would like to think (perhaps unrealistically) that he will turn his life around one day... Suffice to say that it was one of the worst cases that police team had deal with in terms of injuries and they reckoned that I could have died if I had remained in that situation with him for just a few days longer than I did. I was one of the lucky ones.

But I can give a breakdown of the type of help I have had and how helpful I have found it, in case anyone else would find it useful:

1. Traditional counselling

This has had a varying degree of success depending on who I saw. I had some counselling on the NHS at the beginning which as helpful, but the well-meaning psychologist I saw didn't want to put a diagnosis of PTSD on my medical records because she was concerned it might hold me back in the future. Unfortunately the effect of this was to delay me getting more PTSD-specific treatment without having to go back to the GP and demand it. The NHS has only got limited resources and so the number of sessions offered is very low, hence the need to go back on several occasions. I have also had private counselling, which has worked better for me but obviously has cost money, so isn't an option for everyone. I have also had a couple of bad experiences with counsellors assuming that the reason I was abused as an adult must be because I was abused as a child, and then refused to believe me when I said I wasn't. If this happens to you, you are entitled to make a complaint and request an alternative counsellor, which is what I did. Counsellors are not supposed to back you into a corner and make your sessions fit their preconceived ideas, they are supposed to listen to you and support you. I have found counselling can help if you are having problems with your memory or processing your feelings about your experiences, which are both side effects of having PTSD, and which will ease over time with help.

2. EMDR - 'Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing'

This is a very effective treatment for PTSD, but it is not available on the NHS in all areas. It involves having to recall the most distressing memories and talking through them, and then the therapist will get you to follow his or her finger from side to side with your eyes. It will bring up other memories as a result. All I can really remember about having this treatment is that it brought back more memories at the time, and it as really hard to go through, but once the course of treatment was completed, virtually all of the flashbacks and many of the nightmares had stopped. It was also exhausting, and after my morning treatment appointment I would tend to sleep for much of the rest of the day. The theory behind the finger waving is that when you have a trauma, your brain is unable to process the memory of that into your long term memory and it gets stuck in your brain like a loop of videotape (if you are old-school like me! If not then you will need to think of another metaphor!) - this is what causes the flashbacks and nightmares as your brain continues to try to make sense of the memories. What the finger waving does is activate different parts of the brain and help your brain to process the trauma memories into your long-term memory and take them away from the loop they are stuck in. This really made a difference to me and helped me to get my life feeling more normal again.

3. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - CBT

This was something I had later to help me with panic attacks that were a direct result of memories coming back at unhelpful moments - not flashbacks, but more like anxiety attacks. This was on the NHS but I had to really push to get it as a one to one as my local area likes to get people to learn about CBT in groups and I really felt I needed to talk about my individual experiences rather than sit quietly and be taught techniques to apply by myself at home. This was effective for me. We talked about what I was afraid would happen, and then by the end of the course of treatment I was identifying what I feared would happen in a particular situation, what was likely to happen, and the afterwards, what actually happened. In looking at how my fears did not come to pass, I was able to reduce my anxiety around the situations that I had been struggling with.

4. Mentoring

I was very lucky in that the police who worked on my case referred me to a mentoring scheme local to me. The charity paired me up with a volunteer who was also a survivor and we met on a regular basis for a chat and just to have someone who I could talk to - about anything I chose, but if I needed to talk about the abuse, I knew she would understand. In fact, we ended up becoming firm friends and are still in touch.

5. Independent Domestic Violence Advocate - IDVA

I saw my IDVA when I first returned to my parents' house after leaving my ex, and I saw her on a regular basis for some months. She helped me to identify that I had not only been abused, but abused very badly. She gave me a leaflet which asked a series of questions about the behaviour of my partner, and he had done all of the things except those relating to being a parent as I had no children. It was a bit of a shock. Had the court case been taking place nearer to my home town then she would have been with me to court as well. It was so good to have someone to talk to in detail when I couldn't talk to my family.

6. Freedom Programme

This is a group programme which looks at similar things to the one to one work my IDVA did with me, looking at the tactics and behaviours used by abusers to maintain control over their victims. I think it is a very good idea and would give the support of meeting other women who have been through similar situations which I didn't have at the time. However, if you have a faith then it can be less helpful as it does not help to address questions relating to where God is in abusive relationships, which I found hard. But the book which goes with the series, Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is very good and did help me to figure a few things out. Check out www.freedomprogramme.co.uk for info.

7. Restored

This is a Christian charity which has been working hard to raise awareness of violence against women worldwide. They offer training to churches to help them better support victims of abuse in their congregations and they are in the process of setting up a survivors' network for Christian survivors. See www.restoredrelationships.org for further information. I have personally found them very supportive and helpful.

It's well worth getting some form of help from a professional after going through abuse - it is too hard for family and friends to hear about the details of how bad the experiences actually were. I found that whenever my family got upset, I would feel horribly guilty for how they were feeling and this fed into my feeling of responsibility for the abuse. It took a long time to stop blaming myself for everything and to accept that their distress was in fact a way to show how much they cared. I am so grateful for the wonderful support my family and friends gave me during a time when I was not always able to react to them in a very positive way due to the PTSD.