Last time I wrote in this blog I talked about taking up driving again, and how I was facing up to my fears. Well, a few weeks on, I thought you might be interested to know how that is going.
Well, first of all, the driving itself is going well. I am beginning to think about looking for a car of my own, and although I do not yet feel that I could drive without an instructor by my side, I feel that with the right amount of forcing myself to practise, I could get confident enough to at least cope with short, local journeys until I build up to more difficult driving.
Facing up to my fears has been a bit more challenging. I rather naively thought that once I started facing my fears, all of the stress and anxiety would melt away. Unfortunately this has not exactly happened how I thought it would. Put simply, just because you are being brave and facing your fears does not make the fear itself go away. You still feel the fear, but have resolved to continue in spite of it. This is what I have been reminding myself of repeatedly in the last few weeks. I am still afraid of not being a safe enough driver, of being dangerous to myself and other road users by not being able to drive as well as I ought. But I have to keep reminding myself that I was deemed safe enough to drive all that time ago when I passed my test, and I can regain that level of competence with practice.
I am focussed on the goal of the independence that car ownership will bring. I am choosing to look at that rather than at the nerves and stress I currently experience behind the wheel when I am taken by my instructor through busy traffic (particularly if it involves roundabouts!). There's a great couple of verses in Paul's letter to the Philippians, chapter 3 verses 13-14, which talks of a man running a race, keeping his eyes fixed on the prize in front of him. This passage is talking about the prize of heaven, but it is a good analogy for what I am trying to say as well.
But the next few weeks will be challenging. Not only do I hope to start my search for my own car, but I will also have the yearly flashbacks and unwanted emotions that have plagued me for a number of years since my abusive relationship ended. Even when I choose not to think about it, I remember the way I was treated, just how horrendous it all was, and I mentally count down another year of his sentence gone, another year less of his incarceration... I find myself dwelling on things that are best forgotten, even when I tell myself that it is all in the past and not part of my life any more.
It is in these moments that I need to remind myself what I have achieved. I have faced the fear and survived; no, more than that, I have overcome. I kept my faith in God and would now consider it to be stronger than when my ex tried to take it from me. I healed physically and mentally, and am now tackling my fear of driving which was a result of the mental health scars I had. I found a loving relationship, married and have a child - something I would never have considered possible. I went back to university, proved to myself that I have a brain and am capable of so many things he made me believe I wasn't.
In fact, I would love to turn the anniversary of his arrest into a celebration of my own freedom, rather than a series of flashbacks looking at what he did in the days leading up to that day. I am thinking of trying to organise some kind of special day with friends, so am going to get planning!
Monday, 28 March 2016
Monday, 7 March 2016
Who's in the driving seat?
I have a confession to make. It wasn't something I realised that I was doing until recently, but I have now come to the point where I am aware and have to say:
I was living in fear, and now it's time for that to stop.
I'm not talking about the fear I experienced whilst living in an abusive situation. I have only ever been in an abusive relationship once, and that happened a number of years ago now. I am not afraid of any person currently in my life. Nor am I afraid of the future and what it might hold, or of what other people think of me and the way that I live my life. I am not afraid of the memories I hold of the past, although for a long while that was a big obstacle in my life which I needed to work out how to overcome.
I am talking about being afraid of my own mental health, and how it might affect my ability to cope with my life.
A number of years ago, during the abusive relationship but before I was aware of how abusive it was, I was lucky enough to pass my driving test. However, due to various circumstances including moving cities less than a week later, and then increasing financial abuse by my ex and other reasons I can't remember, I never drove again. Then once I was recovering from the abuse, I had to battle for a number of years with post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety and panic attacks. Driving never seemed like a sensible consideration and I was also able to use the excuse that I didn't have the money anyway. Plus I found out that PTSD is a condition that you are supposed to declare to the DVLA (Driver Licensing Agency in the UK), and so I was able to use that as another reason not to try as I hadn't actually told them about it.
But more recently life has caught up with me a bit. Although my family lives in a city with good transport links and we live close to bus routes, it has become increasingly difficult for us to get around with a toddler who would frankly rather be doing something more interesting than catching yet another bus. And going anywhere outside our city is extremely difficult and expensive. Having been in our current flat for the last year and a half, in an area where I have only recently been getting to know people locally (mainly through our church, which is about 20 mins away by bus), it has been a very lonely experience which has made me feel rather isolated. It got me thinking: What if I tried driving again? The main reason I hadn't wanted to try (apart from the cost of buying and running a car) was that I was afraid of freaking out behind the wheel. What I remembered of my driving lessons involved me feeling rather stressed about dealing with other road users and being intimidated by large and fast roads. So earlier this year I contacted the DVLA about my PTSD and they confirmed me fit to drive, so I could no longer use that as an excuse. I also recently finished a course of counselling and feel more confident about not having any more issues with panic or stress.
So in the end I decided that to have a lesson or two with a driving instructor in a dual-controlled car would be worth it just to see if I could cope, and that if it all went horribly wrong, I had at least found that out.
My first lesson was last Friday. It was with some trepidation that I got into the car with the instructor, who took me to a quiet road nearby. I remembered how to adjust the seat to the most comfortable driving position, and where my mirrors should be. And we set off. I had thought we would start off with a small estate or cul-de-sac type area like where my instructor in my home town had started teaching me as a beginner. But this instructor took me on a road which soon became a bit faster, and eventually involved dual carriageways, roundabouts, and an industrial estate with lots of lorries. I actually had to watch my speed a number of times as I had been putting my foot down a bit too much. Apart from stopping at junctions a little sooner than I needed, and doing emergency stops instead of stopping gently, I was amazed at how well I could drive. Not only did I not freak out at the wheel, I enjoyed myself and felt in control of the car pretty much all of the time.
I arrived home energised and excited, far from the exhausted and stressed feeling I was expecting to be feeling. I had overcome a massive hurdle that was, to a great extent, of my own making. I realised that I have spent so many years being afraid of what might happen with my own mental health that I had forgotten to try actually living.
I will be taking more lessons to get myself back into practice before I actually get a car of my own, but this has been such a great encouragement and a big lesson to me about how big my problems can seem until I get up close and see them for what they really are. My mental health has had to get into the back seat so that I can be in the driving seat once more and take control of my life.
And where does my faith fit into all of this? Well, I am aware that there are some schools of thought around mental health issues which can make sufferers feel guilty for having a mental health problem when they are told that they are not trusting God enough and are allowing themselves to be dominated by their problems. This is not Christian thinking, it is a false interpretation of a situation which is clearly not understood by those who are proclaiming those views and who are fortunate enough not to have to deal with the issues themselves. As I see it, God is with me in whatever situation I am in. The things that I have been battling with are due to chemical imbalances or faulty wiring in the brain and have nothing to do with my mind and how I think or feel about anything.
So, to use a driving analogy once more, I am in the driving seat of my life, but God is the sat-nav. He guides me along the best routes for me and tells me what to do and where to go, but I have to choose to follow his directions and listen to him. There's a great verse in Proverbs that says 'In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.'
I was living in fear, and now it's time for that to stop.
I'm not talking about the fear I experienced whilst living in an abusive situation. I have only ever been in an abusive relationship once, and that happened a number of years ago now. I am not afraid of any person currently in my life. Nor am I afraid of the future and what it might hold, or of what other people think of me and the way that I live my life. I am not afraid of the memories I hold of the past, although for a long while that was a big obstacle in my life which I needed to work out how to overcome.
I am talking about being afraid of my own mental health, and how it might affect my ability to cope with my life.
A number of years ago, during the abusive relationship but before I was aware of how abusive it was, I was lucky enough to pass my driving test. However, due to various circumstances including moving cities less than a week later, and then increasing financial abuse by my ex and other reasons I can't remember, I never drove again. Then once I was recovering from the abuse, I had to battle for a number of years with post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety and panic attacks. Driving never seemed like a sensible consideration and I was also able to use the excuse that I didn't have the money anyway. Plus I found out that PTSD is a condition that you are supposed to declare to the DVLA (Driver Licensing Agency in the UK), and so I was able to use that as another reason not to try as I hadn't actually told them about it.
But more recently life has caught up with me a bit. Although my family lives in a city with good transport links and we live close to bus routes, it has become increasingly difficult for us to get around with a toddler who would frankly rather be doing something more interesting than catching yet another bus. And going anywhere outside our city is extremely difficult and expensive. Having been in our current flat for the last year and a half, in an area where I have only recently been getting to know people locally (mainly through our church, which is about 20 mins away by bus), it has been a very lonely experience which has made me feel rather isolated. It got me thinking: What if I tried driving again? The main reason I hadn't wanted to try (apart from the cost of buying and running a car) was that I was afraid of freaking out behind the wheel. What I remembered of my driving lessons involved me feeling rather stressed about dealing with other road users and being intimidated by large and fast roads. So earlier this year I contacted the DVLA about my PTSD and they confirmed me fit to drive, so I could no longer use that as an excuse. I also recently finished a course of counselling and feel more confident about not having any more issues with panic or stress.
So in the end I decided that to have a lesson or two with a driving instructor in a dual-controlled car would be worth it just to see if I could cope, and that if it all went horribly wrong, I had at least found that out.
My first lesson was last Friday. It was with some trepidation that I got into the car with the instructor, who took me to a quiet road nearby. I remembered how to adjust the seat to the most comfortable driving position, and where my mirrors should be. And we set off. I had thought we would start off with a small estate or cul-de-sac type area like where my instructor in my home town had started teaching me as a beginner. But this instructor took me on a road which soon became a bit faster, and eventually involved dual carriageways, roundabouts, and an industrial estate with lots of lorries. I actually had to watch my speed a number of times as I had been putting my foot down a bit too much. Apart from stopping at junctions a little sooner than I needed, and doing emergency stops instead of stopping gently, I was amazed at how well I could drive. Not only did I not freak out at the wheel, I enjoyed myself and felt in control of the car pretty much all of the time.
I arrived home energised and excited, far from the exhausted and stressed feeling I was expecting to be feeling. I had overcome a massive hurdle that was, to a great extent, of my own making. I realised that I have spent so many years being afraid of what might happen with my own mental health that I had forgotten to try actually living.
I will be taking more lessons to get myself back into practice before I actually get a car of my own, but this has been such a great encouragement and a big lesson to me about how big my problems can seem until I get up close and see them for what they really are. My mental health has had to get into the back seat so that I can be in the driving seat once more and take control of my life.
And where does my faith fit into all of this? Well, I am aware that there are some schools of thought around mental health issues which can make sufferers feel guilty for having a mental health problem when they are told that they are not trusting God enough and are allowing themselves to be dominated by their problems. This is not Christian thinking, it is a false interpretation of a situation which is clearly not understood by those who are proclaiming those views and who are fortunate enough not to have to deal with the issues themselves. As I see it, God is with me in whatever situation I am in. The things that I have been battling with are due to chemical imbalances or faulty wiring in the brain and have nothing to do with my mind and how I think or feel about anything.
So, to use a driving analogy once more, I am in the driving seat of my life, but God is the sat-nav. He guides me along the best routes for me and tells me what to do and where to go, but I have to choose to follow his directions and listen to him. There's a great verse in Proverbs that says 'In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.'
Thursday, 11 February 2016
Valentine's Day - a few thoughts
I have had variety of different views on Valentine's Day over the years, depending on my circumstances at the time.
When I was single, but didn't want to be, it just seemed like an event created by the greetings card industry, to make couples feel smug, and lonely singletons to feel there was something wrong with them and be reminded that they didn't have anyone to share it with. I remember one particular year when I felt so rubbish about it that I spent it with one of my single female friends eating takeaway pizza and watching 'Die Hard'! It was a surprisingly good evening!
When I was in a relationship (before I met my abuser), it was a chance to feel reassured that the relationship was continuing well and that we could have a nice date and enjoy feeling special.
When I was with my abuser, it was a way for him to remind me that I wasn't perfect. I was under pressure to make it a special occasion, whilst at the same time spending as little as possible (so that he didn't get upset about spending money). I don't remember many years when he made a fuss of me for Valentine's Day, as far as I can remember it was only me making the effort.
Since getting married, it has had less significance as me and my husband have been trying to have more 'dates' anyway. We don't need to reassure one another through the exchange of cards and possibly gifts that we love each other - our wedding day did that very nicely. But it was a lot easier before our daughter was born. We used to go out for meals on quite a regular basis, as we used to live near lots of lovely restaurants.
Since our daughter was born, we have had to make a much bigger effort to spend time together on our own. We haven't been out for many meals without her, and we won't be going out for Valentine's Day this year. But I think it is nice to be reminded to make an extra effort, even though it feels as if the entire day has been invented to make us buy more chocolates and flowers! It is rather like Mother's Day and Father's Day - even though these days are more or less commercial inventions, it is nice to tell our mothers and fathers how much we appreciate them, and to be on the receiving end of that appreciation too.
But I do find the commercialism a bit ridiculous. Yesterday I had an email from a well-known warehouse type store (beginning with A) telling me that I should buy things from their sale for Valentine's Day because 'I deserved it' apparently. How buying cut-price furniture and children's toys could be something I deserved, let alone in that context, is something I am still having trouble getting my head around!
So there you have it. I have gone from thinking the day was the worst one of the year, to thinking it's nice, to thinking it's highlighting my imperfections, to thinking it's a nice reminder to make an extra effort (as long as you ignore the commercialism). But love should be all year around, and so should appreciating one another, whether in a relationship or not.
Friday, 5 February 2016
What I have learned about putting others first without neglecting myself
At the moment my church is doing a series on 'Soul Care', based on the book by John Ortberg. It's really got me thinking and realising that I have not always been very good at looking after myself and giving myself space to be 'me', not just a wife and mother.
It's so easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day activities that need to be done, to put off time alone or time with my husband or friends until an indefinite day that never materialises. It's automatic to deal with what's in front of you first. But I need to learn sometimes to prioritise that time over the other things. I do appreciate what I have now, in spite of the difficulties I sometimes face in trying to deal with the demands of a two-year-old and all that brings.
I remember a time when life was never about me, when I spent much of my time trying to make someone else happy (who could never be satisfied), and trying to suppress all my own wishes or desires if they did not agree or fit in with what was being focussed on. I remember the few small victories I had such as insisting that we have a holiday somewhere nice, paying for it from my own savings and then finding that the trip itself was ruined by the attitudes and sometimes unpredictable angry behaviour of my travelling companion. I also remember when I was hurting, whether emotionally (such as being bereaved twice during that relationship) or physically (when I was told it didn't hurt), and being told that my focus should still not be on myself and my own difficulties, but on the person who was offering me no support at all. In the end I stopped thinking about myself and my own needs as it was easier to get from day to day if I didn't.
My soul suffered a great deal at that time, from being neglected. I forgot who I was and what mattered to me. I forgot that God was with me and loved me. I was angry, and hurt, and alone, even afterwards when I left the abusive relationship and was restored to my loving family . Gradually the lights began to come on again. I started listening to music again, and gradually it began to help me come back to my old self. But making music, that was another matter. I had some injuries to my wrists that made it hard to play the piano or the violin for some time, which was upsetting for me. In fact, there was some concern at first that I may not be able to play again, although fortunately it gradually improved. But singing, that was different. Before the abuse I used to love to sing. It was a talent that I loved to have, and I was much more confident when I sang than at any other time. I found that my soul was lifted by singing, and I enjoyed singing in choirs and all sorts of other music too. But after the abuse, I could not sing. I was too unhappy and it was too emotional for me to try. I didn't want my voice to be heard and I was unable to sing without crying. Gradually I became able to sing again, but it took me years, and I still do not enjoy it as much as I used to. I sometimes hear choral music and it brings a lump to my throat and an aching feeling that I am missing something that used to be a deep part of me, but I am not sure how to make this feeling better.
But looking after my soul now is easier than it was. While my daughter is still young enough to take naps most days, I have been trying to take time to do things I enjoy. I have a loving husband who prays with me and and consciously tries to work with me to build a strong relationship. He understands that I need time on my own or time with friends. He does not make unreasonable demands to be the centre of attention and he understands when I am feeling bad. I feel I can talk to him and he will listen. If our daughter is being demanding, he will take her for a little walk or play with her to give me some space. I am free to figure out what I need to make my soul feel better. That isn't to say that I am not still having days when I struggle or feel like it's all a bit overwhelming. I think that's just par for the course when you have a young child, especially if you stay at home with them full time.
But compared with my old life, this one is much easier. Plus, I know that I have the love of my husband, my daughter, my friends and family, and above all, my God.
It's so easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day activities that need to be done, to put off time alone or time with my husband or friends until an indefinite day that never materialises. It's automatic to deal with what's in front of you first. But I need to learn sometimes to prioritise that time over the other things. I do appreciate what I have now, in spite of the difficulties I sometimes face in trying to deal with the demands of a two-year-old and all that brings.
I remember a time when life was never about me, when I spent much of my time trying to make someone else happy (who could never be satisfied), and trying to suppress all my own wishes or desires if they did not agree or fit in with what was being focussed on. I remember the few small victories I had such as insisting that we have a holiday somewhere nice, paying for it from my own savings and then finding that the trip itself was ruined by the attitudes and sometimes unpredictable angry behaviour of my travelling companion. I also remember when I was hurting, whether emotionally (such as being bereaved twice during that relationship) or physically (when I was told it didn't hurt), and being told that my focus should still not be on myself and my own difficulties, but on the person who was offering me no support at all. In the end I stopped thinking about myself and my own needs as it was easier to get from day to day if I didn't.
My soul suffered a great deal at that time, from being neglected. I forgot who I was and what mattered to me. I forgot that God was with me and loved me. I was angry, and hurt, and alone, even afterwards when I left the abusive relationship and was restored to my loving family . Gradually the lights began to come on again. I started listening to music again, and gradually it began to help me come back to my old self. But making music, that was another matter. I had some injuries to my wrists that made it hard to play the piano or the violin for some time, which was upsetting for me. In fact, there was some concern at first that I may not be able to play again, although fortunately it gradually improved. But singing, that was different. Before the abuse I used to love to sing. It was a talent that I loved to have, and I was much more confident when I sang than at any other time. I found that my soul was lifted by singing, and I enjoyed singing in choirs and all sorts of other music too. But after the abuse, I could not sing. I was too unhappy and it was too emotional for me to try. I didn't want my voice to be heard and I was unable to sing without crying. Gradually I became able to sing again, but it took me years, and I still do not enjoy it as much as I used to. I sometimes hear choral music and it brings a lump to my throat and an aching feeling that I am missing something that used to be a deep part of me, but I am not sure how to make this feeling better.
But looking after my soul now is easier than it was. While my daughter is still young enough to take naps most days, I have been trying to take time to do things I enjoy. I have a loving husband who prays with me and and consciously tries to work with me to build a strong relationship. He understands that I need time on my own or time with friends. He does not make unreasonable demands to be the centre of attention and he understands when I am feeling bad. I feel I can talk to him and he will listen. If our daughter is being demanding, he will take her for a little walk or play with her to give me some space. I am free to figure out what I need to make my soul feel better. That isn't to say that I am not still having days when I struggle or feel like it's all a bit overwhelming. I think that's just par for the course when you have a young child, especially if you stay at home with them full time.
But compared with my old life, this one is much easier. Plus, I know that I have the love of my husband, my daughter, my friends and family, and above all, my God.
Friday, 22 January 2016
Finding joy in the simple things
Finding joy in the simple things in life can be great fun. Having a toddler around has taught me a new appreciation for enjoying the moment and simply enjoying playing and being silly together.
When we become adults, we lose so much in the way of the ability to marvel at the world around us and simply be thankful for what we have. We forget how to find beauty and awe in our surroundings.
The other day, we went for a family trip out, and while waiting for the bus, my husband and daughter went and looked at a tree. She was so amazed at how big it was, and how the bark was so many different colours. She was really interested that it had no leaves on. To me, if I hadn't had her there, I would have just looked at it and thought, 'That's a tree'. My reaction is not unusual, but thinking more about her reaction made me think about how wonderful the natural world is. I am sure that God loves it when we look at his creation and think 'wow!'
Explaining to my daughter what frost is and why the grass was all white and cold this morning was fun too. She had to bend down and touch it to understand what I was telling her. Again, she was really excited by it and was keen to explore what it was. I think that God wants us to be like that with us, for us to hear of his goodness and be excited by it and want to explore it and understand it more. This week I am thinking of this a lot more than usual as our church is having a 'Prayer Week', with ideas to help us to pray more and spend more time listening to what God wants to say to us. I think that he is calling all of us to be a lot simpler in our relationship with him, to trust in him and let him walk with us and lead us where he wants us to go.
God also wants us to have joy in our hearts. Toddlers are so good at this. My daughter and I have had so many moments recently where we have had fun doing simple silly things, like dancing round our lounge to our favourite music (either classical radio, or blues seem to be the favourites at the moment!). I am so grateful that nobody ever sees this - although I would love to be as uninhibited as my toddler, I know that I would be incredibly embarrassed if I knew anyone was actually watching! We have also had a number of other crazy games like shuffling up and down our hallway on our bottoms (this one would have been even more embarrassing for others to see than my dancing!). So many different ways to simply enjoy being together and playing. But however we may feel about others seeing our embarrassing moments, whatever they may be, God wants to share in those things with us. Doing those silly things with my daughter has been such tremendous fun, and seeing her laughing has been the best part. God wants us to be as uninhibited with him as a toddler is with their parent when they are playing together, and to share our joy with him.
No matter what is going on in our lives, there are always small things to be grateful for, Even in the very worst of times, when I was having a terrible time with my ex, and a lot of family stuff was happening at the same time, it was possible to have some small thing to appreciate. It takes the determination to find something good in everything. I haven't always been good at it, and there have been times when it seemed too much to even try. But whether it's a beautiful sunny day, your favourite food, a song you enjoy, or an unexpected surprise, once you start looking for good things to appreciate, there are so many things you can be grateful for. The aftermath of the abuse was the most difficult time I had been through apart from the abuse itself, but during that time I realised what a loving family I had, and how many good friends I had too. In the darkest of times I was blessed by those around me.
God wants us to approach him as little children. I read somewhere that he wants us to be 'childlike' and not 'childish'. He wants us to be simple in our relationship with him, to be open and honest and let him see the innermost part of our being, like a toddler is with his or her parents. He loves us and wants us to know him and simply enjoy being with him, like my toddler enjoys playing with me. That doesn't necessarily mean he wants us to publicly embarrass ourselves in public by shuffling on our bottoms or doing bad dancing though! That is just between me and my lovely toddler....
When we become adults, we lose so much in the way of the ability to marvel at the world around us and simply be thankful for what we have. We forget how to find beauty and awe in our surroundings.
The other day, we went for a family trip out, and while waiting for the bus, my husband and daughter went and looked at a tree. She was so amazed at how big it was, and how the bark was so many different colours. She was really interested that it had no leaves on. To me, if I hadn't had her there, I would have just looked at it and thought, 'That's a tree'. My reaction is not unusual, but thinking more about her reaction made me think about how wonderful the natural world is. I am sure that God loves it when we look at his creation and think 'wow!'
Explaining to my daughter what frost is and why the grass was all white and cold this morning was fun too. She had to bend down and touch it to understand what I was telling her. Again, she was really excited by it and was keen to explore what it was. I think that God wants us to be like that with us, for us to hear of his goodness and be excited by it and want to explore it and understand it more. This week I am thinking of this a lot more than usual as our church is having a 'Prayer Week', with ideas to help us to pray more and spend more time listening to what God wants to say to us. I think that he is calling all of us to be a lot simpler in our relationship with him, to trust in him and let him walk with us and lead us where he wants us to go.
God also wants us to have joy in our hearts. Toddlers are so good at this. My daughter and I have had so many moments recently where we have had fun doing simple silly things, like dancing round our lounge to our favourite music (either classical radio, or blues seem to be the favourites at the moment!). I am so grateful that nobody ever sees this - although I would love to be as uninhibited as my toddler, I know that I would be incredibly embarrassed if I knew anyone was actually watching! We have also had a number of other crazy games like shuffling up and down our hallway on our bottoms (this one would have been even more embarrassing for others to see than my dancing!). So many different ways to simply enjoy being together and playing. But however we may feel about others seeing our embarrassing moments, whatever they may be, God wants to share in those things with us. Doing those silly things with my daughter has been such tremendous fun, and seeing her laughing has been the best part. God wants us to be as uninhibited with him as a toddler is with their parent when they are playing together, and to share our joy with him.
No matter what is going on in our lives, there are always small things to be grateful for, Even in the very worst of times, when I was having a terrible time with my ex, and a lot of family stuff was happening at the same time, it was possible to have some small thing to appreciate. It takes the determination to find something good in everything. I haven't always been good at it, and there have been times when it seemed too much to even try. But whether it's a beautiful sunny day, your favourite food, a song you enjoy, or an unexpected surprise, once you start looking for good things to appreciate, there are so many things you can be grateful for. The aftermath of the abuse was the most difficult time I had been through apart from the abuse itself, but during that time I realised what a loving family I had, and how many good friends I had too. In the darkest of times I was blessed by those around me.
God wants us to approach him as little children. I read somewhere that he wants us to be 'childlike' and not 'childish'. He wants us to be simple in our relationship with him, to be open and honest and let him see the innermost part of our being, like a toddler is with his or her parents. He loves us and wants us to know him and simply enjoy being with him, like my toddler enjoys playing with me. That doesn't necessarily mean he wants us to publicly embarrass ourselves in public by shuffling on our bottoms or doing bad dancing though! That is just between me and my lovely toddler....
Monday, 18 January 2016
Moving forward
Moving forward after a significant negative event in your past is very difficult, especially when you feel it has had a strong effect in shaping the life in which you are now living. This is something which has challenged and still continues to challenge me to this day.
Looking back can have two opposite effects. It can remind you how far you have come, how much you have achieved and how much better your life is now than it was. This is the positive way of looking at it. But it can also have a negative effect. It can remind you how bad things were, and how much your life changed since the events that shaped you. It can sometimes remind you of what you have lost or the things you have had to let go of. In looking back too often, you can remain chained to old ways of thinking or tied to anger about the past that may no longer have relevance in your life now. I have periodically swung between these two ways of looking back, and it has been hard to remain on the positive side.
But I have found one way which has helped me to move on a bit, and which I trust to continue to help me in the future. This is something which I always found impossible to believe in until I was in that position myself: Forgiveness.
I always viewed with extreme scepticism any media reports that said things like 'this family lost a child due to bombings by the IRA, but they have forgiven their child's murderer'. I always thought: 'How can anyone forgive like that? And how could they decide so quickly to forgive? Do they really mean it, or is it just a way to get the media to cover their story?'. I found it impossible to accept that it should be necessary to forgive someone in those circumstances, particularly if the perpetrator had not shown any remorse for their actions, or in some circumstances, if the perpetrator had died or killed themselves. But I had to re-evaluate this view when I found myself in a position where I was so, so very angry about being so badly treated and left with so many injuries, physical, mental and spiritual, but my abuser showed no remorse - even trying to blame me for his actions during a trial in which he was pleading guilty for what he was charged with (try to figure that one out, if you will!)
I came to realise that I had had a faulty view of forgiveness which was keeping me from letting go of the hurt, the pain and the anger which could never be fully resolved without some kind of action on my part. In my understanding, in order to forgive, I first had to receive an apology. I then had to let go of all of my feelings about the events and the person who wronged me, and simply forget the lot. In my view that was asking too much. I thought that that was what the bible taught as well, that the way that God deals with us is that we ask his forgiveness, he lets us off the hook and then forgets all about it. I thought that we are supposed to do the same, and not necessarily take any action to avoid that person being in our life. However, this can be a dangerous view of forgiveness. In abusive relationships, including the one I had, the abuser can demand forgiveness, expect the matter to never be raised again, and never be made to account for his actions, as well as ensuring that the victim is never able to justify leaving or avoiding a situation for her own safety due to the abuse that has taken place previously.
In fact, if we view forgiveness as the abuser does, or as I did, then it means that we end up believing in a God who would rather keep us enslaved in abuse and danger than safe and protected, something which I do not believe is true. God does not expect us to overlook sin as he does, without making sure that we are safe. In other words, he does not expect victims to stay with their abusers and believe that it won't happen again without taking action to protect themselves from harm. In asking for forgiveness, an abuser can be using the victim's trust and hope that the future will be better, in order to manipulate her.
True forgiveness is very different. It is a process, not a one-off event, and it can take some time. I am not talking about forgiving a small thing that can easily be resolved. I am talking about the big, horrible, difficult things that can tear people apart and can fester inside someone and make them bitter and angry long after the events that caused them have passed out of most people's memories. The abuse I suffered was one such thing. I was determined never to let my ex off the hook. Even though he was serving a custodial sentence and would never be allowed to contact me again, I was determined that I would never forget what he did. In fact, remembering what he did was the easy part - I had plenty of physical and mental reminders for that. The hard part was moving forward and letting that part of my life go.
In the end, I had to make a choice: to let my life be dominated by a particularly unpleasant part of my past, or to let go and allow it to become a distant memory. I wanted to let go of the hurt, but didn't know how, until I was challenged to forgive my abuser - something which I resisted for a long time. Why should I forgive someone who not only isn't sorry, but has actually blamed me for his actions? But I found that without at least trying to forgive him, I was never going to be able to let go. It would always be there at the back of my mind.
As a Christian, I also had the added concern that Jesus taught us in the Lord's prayer 'forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us'. So that made me wonder if I could be a Christian and not forgive him. I had to make a choice. But if I forgave him, it meant that I had to allow that he could ask for and receive God's forgiveness - something which I was not happy about, and still struggle with.
But forgiveness not only helps us to grow closer to God, it also benefits the forgiver. If you forgive someone it means that you no longer have to be angry at them. You no longer have to view them as objects of contempt. Although I will never have contact with my ex, and so he will never know, I actually feel more pity for him than anything. Now I am in a happy and secure relationship, I pity the man who thought he had to use force and seize affection in order to feel cared for, and had to intimidate in order to make himself have self-worth. It is pitiable that a man had to imprison his girlfriend in her own home in order to know that he had a partner who wasn't going to leave him. I still feel anger, of course - I would not be human if I didn't - but I no longer feel I have to do anything about it. If he turns to God, he will find that his conscience does the work of showing him he was wrong. And if he doesn't, then I believe he will be judged by God at the end of time. Either way, it is between him and God, and I no longer need to be a part of that. That is what forgiveness has given me - freedom.
It has also enabled me to leave most of the past behind me and not allow the abuse I suffered to define the relationship I have with my husband and daughter. They do not need to be concerned with the events of a past that they had no part in, although I have been getting involved with a few things including a charity called Restored (www.restoredrelationships.org if you are interested) in order to raise awareness of domestic abuse, so my past does occasionally get talked about. But now that I have a better life, I am always able to put it in the context of something which happened once and will never happen again.
I know it sounds impossible, but if you are in a similar position, it is well worth trying to let go of that anger and forgive the person who has wronged you. I found that by prayer and by talking to people who I trusted, I was able to let go of so much. And if I am having a bad day and feel angry and upset again, which happens from time to time, I remind myself that forgiveness is a process, and find someone to talk it over with. It helped me, I hope it helps you too.
Looking back can have two opposite effects. It can remind you how far you have come, how much you have achieved and how much better your life is now than it was. This is the positive way of looking at it. But it can also have a negative effect. It can remind you how bad things were, and how much your life changed since the events that shaped you. It can sometimes remind you of what you have lost or the things you have had to let go of. In looking back too often, you can remain chained to old ways of thinking or tied to anger about the past that may no longer have relevance in your life now. I have periodically swung between these two ways of looking back, and it has been hard to remain on the positive side.
But I have found one way which has helped me to move on a bit, and which I trust to continue to help me in the future. This is something which I always found impossible to believe in until I was in that position myself: Forgiveness.
I always viewed with extreme scepticism any media reports that said things like 'this family lost a child due to bombings by the IRA, but they have forgiven their child's murderer'. I always thought: 'How can anyone forgive like that? And how could they decide so quickly to forgive? Do they really mean it, or is it just a way to get the media to cover their story?'. I found it impossible to accept that it should be necessary to forgive someone in those circumstances, particularly if the perpetrator had not shown any remorse for their actions, or in some circumstances, if the perpetrator had died or killed themselves. But I had to re-evaluate this view when I found myself in a position where I was so, so very angry about being so badly treated and left with so many injuries, physical, mental and spiritual, but my abuser showed no remorse - even trying to blame me for his actions during a trial in which he was pleading guilty for what he was charged with (try to figure that one out, if you will!)
I came to realise that I had had a faulty view of forgiveness which was keeping me from letting go of the hurt, the pain and the anger which could never be fully resolved without some kind of action on my part. In my understanding, in order to forgive, I first had to receive an apology. I then had to let go of all of my feelings about the events and the person who wronged me, and simply forget the lot. In my view that was asking too much. I thought that that was what the bible taught as well, that the way that God deals with us is that we ask his forgiveness, he lets us off the hook and then forgets all about it. I thought that we are supposed to do the same, and not necessarily take any action to avoid that person being in our life. However, this can be a dangerous view of forgiveness. In abusive relationships, including the one I had, the abuser can demand forgiveness, expect the matter to never be raised again, and never be made to account for his actions, as well as ensuring that the victim is never able to justify leaving or avoiding a situation for her own safety due to the abuse that has taken place previously.
In fact, if we view forgiveness as the abuser does, or as I did, then it means that we end up believing in a God who would rather keep us enslaved in abuse and danger than safe and protected, something which I do not believe is true. God does not expect us to overlook sin as he does, without making sure that we are safe. In other words, he does not expect victims to stay with their abusers and believe that it won't happen again without taking action to protect themselves from harm. In asking for forgiveness, an abuser can be using the victim's trust and hope that the future will be better, in order to manipulate her.
True forgiveness is very different. It is a process, not a one-off event, and it can take some time. I am not talking about forgiving a small thing that can easily be resolved. I am talking about the big, horrible, difficult things that can tear people apart and can fester inside someone and make them bitter and angry long after the events that caused them have passed out of most people's memories. The abuse I suffered was one such thing. I was determined never to let my ex off the hook. Even though he was serving a custodial sentence and would never be allowed to contact me again, I was determined that I would never forget what he did. In fact, remembering what he did was the easy part - I had plenty of physical and mental reminders for that. The hard part was moving forward and letting that part of my life go.
In the end, I had to make a choice: to let my life be dominated by a particularly unpleasant part of my past, or to let go and allow it to become a distant memory. I wanted to let go of the hurt, but didn't know how, until I was challenged to forgive my abuser - something which I resisted for a long time. Why should I forgive someone who not only isn't sorry, but has actually blamed me for his actions? But I found that without at least trying to forgive him, I was never going to be able to let go. It would always be there at the back of my mind.
As a Christian, I also had the added concern that Jesus taught us in the Lord's prayer 'forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us'. So that made me wonder if I could be a Christian and not forgive him. I had to make a choice. But if I forgave him, it meant that I had to allow that he could ask for and receive God's forgiveness - something which I was not happy about, and still struggle with.
But forgiveness not only helps us to grow closer to God, it also benefits the forgiver. If you forgive someone it means that you no longer have to be angry at them. You no longer have to view them as objects of contempt. Although I will never have contact with my ex, and so he will never know, I actually feel more pity for him than anything. Now I am in a happy and secure relationship, I pity the man who thought he had to use force and seize affection in order to feel cared for, and had to intimidate in order to make himself have self-worth. It is pitiable that a man had to imprison his girlfriend in her own home in order to know that he had a partner who wasn't going to leave him. I still feel anger, of course - I would not be human if I didn't - but I no longer feel I have to do anything about it. If he turns to God, he will find that his conscience does the work of showing him he was wrong. And if he doesn't, then I believe he will be judged by God at the end of time. Either way, it is between him and God, and I no longer need to be a part of that. That is what forgiveness has given me - freedom.
It has also enabled me to leave most of the past behind me and not allow the abuse I suffered to define the relationship I have with my husband and daughter. They do not need to be concerned with the events of a past that they had no part in, although I have been getting involved with a few things including a charity called Restored (www.restoredrelationships.org if you are interested) in order to raise awareness of domestic abuse, so my past does occasionally get talked about. But now that I have a better life, I am always able to put it in the context of something which happened once and will never happen again.
I know it sounds impossible, but if you are in a similar position, it is well worth trying to let go of that anger and forgive the person who has wronged you. I found that by prayer and by talking to people who I trusted, I was able to let go of so much. And if I am having a bad day and feel angry and upset again, which happens from time to time, I remind myself that forgiveness is a process, and find someone to talk it over with. It helped me, I hope it helps you too.
Monday, 4 January 2016
New beginnings
As we start a new year, it is inevitable that I have started to turn my thoughts towards new beginnings and leaving behind old things. This has been reflected in my life so many times and in so many ways, and in my walk with God too.
The coming of a new start gives us hope of a change, of life turning for the better, We can begin afresh, knowing that it is possible to define a new direction and head towards a different goal. For many people this will involved the making of new year's resolutions, or for others, a new home or new job, or new baby. In my case, I have had a number of new beginnings, to name but a few: leaving my ex, studying for a new qualification, reaffirming my baptismal vows, meeting my husband, having our daughter. Each of these has brought new challenges as well as a change of direction.
Leaving my ex was something that at the time didn't feel very positive or something to be celebrated, except to know that I was safe and well after so long of that not being the case. But it had so many positive effects in the longer term that looking back at it now feels very different. I was free once more to make my own decisions, to choose my own clothes, to spend my own money and find out what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to reconnect with my family, to make good some of the divisions that my relationship with him had created, and to rediscover friendships that I had been forced to toss aside. I realised that I had some awesome friends and hadn't even been aware of it. These friends were so caring that when I told them what had happened, they rallied round to help. They helped my mum to clear out the house and garden that I had been sharing with my ex so that it could be returned to the landlord in as good a state as possible (in spite of the damage that had been caused while we were living there). Some of these friends put me and my mum up when we came up to see my ex sentenced, even though it had to be short notice as the courts didn't give us much warning of the date (as I wasn't needed for the trial, so in the court's view, I didn't need to be there). My friends even came with me and mum to the sentencing hearing to support us as we looked him in the eyes for the first time since I left him, and we saw him put in prison. Seeing him sentenced enabled me to close the chapter and begin to recover my life and figure out who I was and what I wanted. My relationships with my friends and family following such a long period of being deprived of both were the most positive thing I could ever have wished for to have come out of such a horrible experience. I haven't told them often enough how much this meant, but if any of them are reading this, THANK YOU.
The most significant thing in my spiritual life in recent years was the reaffirming of my baptismal vows a few years back. I actually wanted to be baptised by full immersion as a public statement that I had rediscovered my faith and wanted to make a new start with God, but as my now husband and I were attending an Anglican church at the time, I was told that I could not be baptised as I had been christened as a baby and then confirmed as a teenager. But I was allowed to 'reaffirm' my baptismal vows and have full immersion as part of that, so as far as I understand, it was pretty much the same thing in the end!
Baptism is a very potent symbol in the Bible. Much like marriage does not define the start of the relationship between a couple but is a public declaration of a relationship already existing, so baptism is a public declaration of a relationship between a person and God. It is a way of saying 'This is how I want to live my life from now on'. Although some churches baptise with a small amount of water on the top of the head, many churches baptise people by being lowering them backwards into water and bringing them up again (full immersion). The lowering of the person into the water until they are fully immersed symbolises death - death of the old self. Then the bringing them back up again symbolises the resurrection and a new start - new life with Christ. Christians also believe that the Holy Spirit, part of God Himself, comes to live within us when we start a new relationship with him. But as I said above in my comparisons between marriage and baptism, this is not necessarily something that happens at baptism, but which happens earlier when we decide that we want to have a relationship with God.
It is for this reason that my husband and I decided not to have our daughter baptised as a baby, but to bring her up with a knowledge of God and the opportunity to decide for herself when she is older. Of course, we hope that she will start on her own journey of faith and make a commitment, but this has to be her own decision, and in the meantime we will continue to encourage her and pray for her. She already enjoys reading her bible story board books, and we often pray together as a family, so she knows about God and probably does have some form of faith of her own. In fact, because we often pray for one another when someone has hurt themselves or is feeling unwell, she has got in the habit of coming up to me in particular and praying for my back if she thinks I look like I need it! She also often asks to say Grace at mealtimes, something we will need to explain to others if she goes to nursery at some point in the near future. It is lovely to see her simple faith and it reminds me to be more trusting in my own faith and not to overthink myself into a corner. I am sure once she reaches the phase about asking 'why?' continuously, I will see another aspect of her faith developing!
In both our walk with God following baptism, and in my newly-rediscovered life after living under the shadow of my ex for so long, it is easy to find yourself going back into old thought patterns, old modes of behaviour, and forgetting that change happened. In my case following the abuse, it was a lack of confidence in my own abilities (which I still suffer from periodically!), a lack of connection with others from assuming the worst of how they viewed me, and general anxiety about my life and how things would go. I still have these thought patterns and I still battle to overcome them and replace them with the knowledge that I am free. I can do more than I give myself credit for and am capable of learning new things on top of that. I don't have the ability to read minds and am often surprised at how nice people can be (especially when my daughter has been having a tantrum on a long bus journey like we had the other week! I thought the lady getting off behind me would tell me what a terrible job I had done of making my child behave, but all the lady said was 'the poor lamb', as my daughter was clearly tired and hungry). And my anxiety often prompts me to plan for every eventuality, which can have a very positive outcome (like the enormous and very tasty Christmas dinner we enjoyed not long ago!). I have had to learn to be more open to good things happening, and overall it has helped. But the difference between my experiences of overcoming old thought processes etc post-abuse, and overcoming old patterns of behaviour once we have made a commitment to God, is that God can actually change us from the inside. He can help us to overcome the past and change direction, and he can heal wounds and make us whole again. Although we can make efforts in this direction on our own strength, we are not able to change our hearts like God can. And the good news is, no matter how many times we slip into old habits, he will bring us back and help us if we ask him.
So, looking towards the future, there is likely to be much that will excite, much that will disappoint and much that will cause upset or worry in the coming year. But I am trying hard not to allow myself to be so clouded by worrying about the things that may or may not happen that I forget to enjoy the present and the things which I can see. There is always much to enjoy if you look in the right places, even in the darkest of times, and it is worth remembering the verses from John's Gospel: 'In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.' (John 1:4-5). Jesus is stronger than anything we could face, and even beat death, so we have nothing to fear if we trust in him.
Happy new year.
The coming of a new start gives us hope of a change, of life turning for the better, We can begin afresh, knowing that it is possible to define a new direction and head towards a different goal. For many people this will involved the making of new year's resolutions, or for others, a new home or new job, or new baby. In my case, I have had a number of new beginnings, to name but a few: leaving my ex, studying for a new qualification, reaffirming my baptismal vows, meeting my husband, having our daughter. Each of these has brought new challenges as well as a change of direction.
Leaving my ex was something that at the time didn't feel very positive or something to be celebrated, except to know that I was safe and well after so long of that not being the case. But it had so many positive effects in the longer term that looking back at it now feels very different. I was free once more to make my own decisions, to choose my own clothes, to spend my own money and find out what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to reconnect with my family, to make good some of the divisions that my relationship with him had created, and to rediscover friendships that I had been forced to toss aside. I realised that I had some awesome friends and hadn't even been aware of it. These friends were so caring that when I told them what had happened, they rallied round to help. They helped my mum to clear out the house and garden that I had been sharing with my ex so that it could be returned to the landlord in as good a state as possible (in spite of the damage that had been caused while we were living there). Some of these friends put me and my mum up when we came up to see my ex sentenced, even though it had to be short notice as the courts didn't give us much warning of the date (as I wasn't needed for the trial, so in the court's view, I didn't need to be there). My friends even came with me and mum to the sentencing hearing to support us as we looked him in the eyes for the first time since I left him, and we saw him put in prison. Seeing him sentenced enabled me to close the chapter and begin to recover my life and figure out who I was and what I wanted. My relationships with my friends and family following such a long period of being deprived of both were the most positive thing I could ever have wished for to have come out of such a horrible experience. I haven't told them often enough how much this meant, but if any of them are reading this, THANK YOU.
The most significant thing in my spiritual life in recent years was the reaffirming of my baptismal vows a few years back. I actually wanted to be baptised by full immersion as a public statement that I had rediscovered my faith and wanted to make a new start with God, but as my now husband and I were attending an Anglican church at the time, I was told that I could not be baptised as I had been christened as a baby and then confirmed as a teenager. But I was allowed to 'reaffirm' my baptismal vows and have full immersion as part of that, so as far as I understand, it was pretty much the same thing in the end!
Baptism is a very potent symbol in the Bible. Much like marriage does not define the start of the relationship between a couple but is a public declaration of a relationship already existing, so baptism is a public declaration of a relationship between a person and God. It is a way of saying 'This is how I want to live my life from now on'. Although some churches baptise with a small amount of water on the top of the head, many churches baptise people by being lowering them backwards into water and bringing them up again (full immersion). The lowering of the person into the water until they are fully immersed symbolises death - death of the old self. Then the bringing them back up again symbolises the resurrection and a new start - new life with Christ. Christians also believe that the Holy Spirit, part of God Himself, comes to live within us when we start a new relationship with him. But as I said above in my comparisons between marriage and baptism, this is not necessarily something that happens at baptism, but which happens earlier when we decide that we want to have a relationship with God.
It is for this reason that my husband and I decided not to have our daughter baptised as a baby, but to bring her up with a knowledge of God and the opportunity to decide for herself when she is older. Of course, we hope that she will start on her own journey of faith and make a commitment, but this has to be her own decision, and in the meantime we will continue to encourage her and pray for her. She already enjoys reading her bible story board books, and we often pray together as a family, so she knows about God and probably does have some form of faith of her own. In fact, because we often pray for one another when someone has hurt themselves or is feeling unwell, she has got in the habit of coming up to me in particular and praying for my back if she thinks I look like I need it! She also often asks to say Grace at mealtimes, something we will need to explain to others if she goes to nursery at some point in the near future. It is lovely to see her simple faith and it reminds me to be more trusting in my own faith and not to overthink myself into a corner. I am sure once she reaches the phase about asking 'why?' continuously, I will see another aspect of her faith developing!
In both our walk with God following baptism, and in my newly-rediscovered life after living under the shadow of my ex for so long, it is easy to find yourself going back into old thought patterns, old modes of behaviour, and forgetting that change happened. In my case following the abuse, it was a lack of confidence in my own abilities (which I still suffer from periodically!), a lack of connection with others from assuming the worst of how they viewed me, and general anxiety about my life and how things would go. I still have these thought patterns and I still battle to overcome them and replace them with the knowledge that I am free. I can do more than I give myself credit for and am capable of learning new things on top of that. I don't have the ability to read minds and am often surprised at how nice people can be (especially when my daughter has been having a tantrum on a long bus journey like we had the other week! I thought the lady getting off behind me would tell me what a terrible job I had done of making my child behave, but all the lady said was 'the poor lamb', as my daughter was clearly tired and hungry). And my anxiety often prompts me to plan for every eventuality, which can have a very positive outcome (like the enormous and very tasty Christmas dinner we enjoyed not long ago!). I have had to learn to be more open to good things happening, and overall it has helped. But the difference between my experiences of overcoming old thought processes etc post-abuse, and overcoming old patterns of behaviour once we have made a commitment to God, is that God can actually change us from the inside. He can help us to overcome the past and change direction, and he can heal wounds and make us whole again. Although we can make efforts in this direction on our own strength, we are not able to change our hearts like God can. And the good news is, no matter how many times we slip into old habits, he will bring us back and help us if we ask him.
So, looking towards the future, there is likely to be much that will excite, much that will disappoint and much that will cause upset or worry in the coming year. But I am trying hard not to allow myself to be so clouded by worrying about the things that may or may not happen that I forget to enjoy the present and the things which I can see. There is always much to enjoy if you look in the right places, even in the darkest of times, and it is worth remembering the verses from John's Gospel: 'In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.' (John 1:4-5). Jesus is stronger than anything we could face, and even beat death, so we have nothing to fear if we trust in him.
Happy new year.
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