I have been asked to take part in a study looking at how victims of abuse view justice. I won't be taking part until next week, so I'm not entirely sure what it will involve yet, but it has got me pondering what I really think.
This year it will be nine years since I left my abusive ex, and yet sometimes it still feels like yesterday. When I close my eyes at night I find myself transported back to the house where the physical assaults happened, and find myself remembering every room. Somehow that house and how it was when I left it has been preserved in my head and I can't seem to make it go away for good.
I am fortunate in that I am unable to easily recall faces. I can recognise people when I see them, but to remember what my family or even my husband and daughter look like, I have to remember a photo rather than the real thing. I have never been able to picture people from a description (which as a keen reader is a very frustrating problem), and so I am now pretty much unable to remember what my ex looked like unless I try very hard to recall him. Which for obvious reasons, I don't do. It's one unexpected blessing from the way my memory works.
Thinking about next week and justice, I am not sure what I think. Of course, the fact that my ex was given a custodial sentence was extremely good, and more justice than many victims of domestic abuse receive. However, I am convinced that until the perpetrator fully acknowledges the severity of their crime, there can never fully be justice for a victim. If the perpetrator is in denial about what effect it had or how seriously the criminal justice system sees the crime, then no amount of punishment is going to make them turn their life around. I think that justice and repentance have to go together to be effective. So for many survivors like me, true justice will never take place as the perpetrators have to fully accept that their behaviour is wrong. Moreover, if this is the case, then perpetrators will go on to behave that way in future relationships as well, and thus create more victims in their wake.
On the other hand, my faith in Jesus tells me that whatever the situation in this lifetime, there will be judgement when we die; so whether or not I consider the human justice meted out to my abuser is sufficient, in the end he will face true justice. This sometimes feels like small consolation, particularly when I am reminded of the details of what he did, but it does mean that I can be assured that it is out of my hands and not my responsibility.
Allowing God to take it out of my hands is vital in order for me to move on. It enables me to let go of the anger and hate that I felt towards my ex, and in fact enables me to pity him. Not to let him off the hook or deny the severity of what he did to me - I have the mental and physical scars to prove it - but it takes a pretty poor sense of self worth for someone to have to force respect and fear from another person just to prove that they are more powerful and perhaps to enhance their self-image... I have taken steps towards forgiving him, although on my worst days I have to remind myself of this fact. I know that this means that if he ever truly found Jesus, my ex would be forgiven all his sins, but this isn't my decision and so I need to let go. By letting go, there is at least a chance that my life will not permanently be defined by the abusive relationship I had... that's the theory at least, although at times the memories encroach on the life I am now living. But look at where I am now: I have a loving husband, a wonderful (if occasionally challenging!) toddler, and a job I enjoy. I have learned that I am a strong and determined person, and I am beginning to learn to speak up when I think something is not right. I rediscovered my faith in God and my life in the last nine years has moved on unrecognisably.
So what do I think of justice? Well, I think that we can only do so much but we have to do something, even if our judgement and justice system is flawed. We cannot change the heart of someone who does not want to be changed (and neither can God either), but if they truly want change then we should help them to achieve that. Only God knows the true state of a person's heart and only he can transform someone from the inside, but if there are ways that we can be used in that process then we should follow his prompting to enable it to happen.
Thursday, 19 January 2017
Tuesday, 18 October 2016
New academic year, more new beginnings
After a busy summer, I found myself facing yet more new beginnings, this time in the form of a new job and sending my daughter to nursery for the first time.
At times over the last few months it has felt as though I have been dancing on quicksand, with the ground under my feet changing so rapidly.
I have had a steep learning curve in terms of becoming more confident in my driving, and although I have had the odd moment that has made me a little nervous, I have not experienced the panic that I was dreading if things became a little difficult.
I pushed myself to complete a Couch to 5k course, and although I didn't quite manage to run 5 kilometres by the end, I did manage to do 27 minutes of jogging without stopping, which was a massive achievement for me. My physical fitness has improved a little, which means being able to do more before I become breathless and tired, and although I knew from the start that I was never going to become a runner, I have been able to appreciate being able to dance with my daughter for a lot longer before having to stop for a break.
I found that I was struggling as a stay at home mum. I was ashamed to admit it to anyone in case it made me look like a bad mother. So much of the time we hear parenting opinions through social media that are loudly expressed, which may not be the same as what is best for our family. I was particularly affected by this and couldn't understand why I wasn't enjoying being at home with my daughter, but was bored and depressed. It didn't help that she was accidentally giving me flashbacks to the behaviour of my ex, simply by being a toddler and behaving like a typical child of her age. Toddlers will not understand concepts of personal space, they do not understand that no means no, or stop means stop. In my daughter's case, it meant giving me affectionate 'squidging' of my cheeks with both hands, throwing her arms around my neck very tightly, and hugging or headbutting me on the arm that has never fully recovered from the assaults I suffered. Not to mention shouting, throwing things and generally tantrumming as you would expect a child going through the 'terrible twos'. The flashbacks were causing me to push her away and basically shut down, either totally freaking out of wanting to keep myself away from any physical contact from anyone. It took me a long time to work this out and once I did, I was able to understand why my child had been so bewildered at my reactions to her. I was able to remind myself that she acts the way that she does because of the developmental stage she is at, whereas my ex acted that way in order to manipulate and intimidate me.
Sometimes I wonder how many more years it will be before I stop being reminded of what my ex put me through. I wonder if there will ever come a point where I will forget the physical effects and no longer suffer from any mental scars. Although I don't generally have continuous reminders, there are enough here and there to make sure that I am unable to ever fully forget it all. While I still suffer from depression, anxiety and other problems involving what I would describe as post-ptsd symptoms, it is still going to be there in the back of my mind.
But in spite of this negative view which I find myself thinking about from time to time, I still believe that God is working through my life in many ways. I do believe that he is there giving me strength, and there's a song I've been thinking about whilst writing this blog post. It's a song we sometimes sing at our church, and it means a lot to me. It's called Praise is Rising, and the words include how God makes our broken lives new and saves us...
I feel that God has definitely been with me this summer. By the end of the summer, in spite of not actively looking for work, I had found a job at our previous church, with lots of people I already knew. I had also found a lovely nursery for my daughter to go to, which she absolutely loves. I am thoroughly enjoying being at work again, and can feel pleased that not only is my daughter doing well with the childcare I have put her in, she is actually thriving and developing in all directions thanks to the excellent care they are giving her. I am working part time so am still spending plenty of time with her and can actually be more organised about doing fun things together on my non working days. My husband is looking after her one day a week as well, so they are getting some proper time together too. I have no need to feel in any way guilty that I am enjoying being at work again.
I think sometimes I have listened too much to the opinions of the world around me, particularly through social media, without looking at what would be best for me and my family. It is hard to switch off from the cacophony of voices from all directions, but I am learning that sometimes it is best to follow my gut and not listen to all and every different opinion out there. I am learning that actually sometimes I know my family best (much as I have always hated the phrase 'Mum knows best'!)
So, as I continue with the new normal this term, I am able to be confident in my own decision making, and that I have a God who is with me and working in my life in ways I may not be expecting. It's a good feeling to have.
At times over the last few months it has felt as though I have been dancing on quicksand, with the ground under my feet changing so rapidly.
I have had a steep learning curve in terms of becoming more confident in my driving, and although I have had the odd moment that has made me a little nervous, I have not experienced the panic that I was dreading if things became a little difficult.
I pushed myself to complete a Couch to 5k course, and although I didn't quite manage to run 5 kilometres by the end, I did manage to do 27 minutes of jogging without stopping, which was a massive achievement for me. My physical fitness has improved a little, which means being able to do more before I become breathless and tired, and although I knew from the start that I was never going to become a runner, I have been able to appreciate being able to dance with my daughter for a lot longer before having to stop for a break.
I found that I was struggling as a stay at home mum. I was ashamed to admit it to anyone in case it made me look like a bad mother. So much of the time we hear parenting opinions through social media that are loudly expressed, which may not be the same as what is best for our family. I was particularly affected by this and couldn't understand why I wasn't enjoying being at home with my daughter, but was bored and depressed. It didn't help that she was accidentally giving me flashbacks to the behaviour of my ex, simply by being a toddler and behaving like a typical child of her age. Toddlers will not understand concepts of personal space, they do not understand that no means no, or stop means stop. In my daughter's case, it meant giving me affectionate 'squidging' of my cheeks with both hands, throwing her arms around my neck very tightly, and hugging or headbutting me on the arm that has never fully recovered from the assaults I suffered. Not to mention shouting, throwing things and generally tantrumming as you would expect a child going through the 'terrible twos'. The flashbacks were causing me to push her away and basically shut down, either totally freaking out of wanting to keep myself away from any physical contact from anyone. It took me a long time to work this out and once I did, I was able to understand why my child had been so bewildered at my reactions to her. I was able to remind myself that she acts the way that she does because of the developmental stage she is at, whereas my ex acted that way in order to manipulate and intimidate me.
Sometimes I wonder how many more years it will be before I stop being reminded of what my ex put me through. I wonder if there will ever come a point where I will forget the physical effects and no longer suffer from any mental scars. Although I don't generally have continuous reminders, there are enough here and there to make sure that I am unable to ever fully forget it all. While I still suffer from depression, anxiety and other problems involving what I would describe as post-ptsd symptoms, it is still going to be there in the back of my mind.
But in spite of this negative view which I find myself thinking about from time to time, I still believe that God is working through my life in many ways. I do believe that he is there giving me strength, and there's a song I've been thinking about whilst writing this blog post. It's a song we sometimes sing at our church, and it means a lot to me. It's called Praise is Rising, and the words include how God makes our broken lives new and saves us...
I feel that God has definitely been with me this summer. By the end of the summer, in spite of not actively looking for work, I had found a job at our previous church, with lots of people I already knew. I had also found a lovely nursery for my daughter to go to, which she absolutely loves. I am thoroughly enjoying being at work again, and can feel pleased that not only is my daughter doing well with the childcare I have put her in, she is actually thriving and developing in all directions thanks to the excellent care they are giving her. I am working part time so am still spending plenty of time with her and can actually be more organised about doing fun things together on my non working days. My husband is looking after her one day a week as well, so they are getting some proper time together too. I have no need to feel in any way guilty that I am enjoying being at work again.
I think sometimes I have listened too much to the opinions of the world around me, particularly through social media, without looking at what would be best for me and my family. It is hard to switch off from the cacophony of voices from all directions, but I am learning that sometimes it is best to follow my gut and not listen to all and every different opinion out there. I am learning that actually sometimes I know my family best (much as I have always hated the phrase 'Mum knows best'!)
So, as I continue with the new normal this term, I am able to be confident in my own decision making, and that I have a God who is with me and working in my life in ways I may not be expecting. It's a good feeling to have.
Monday, 27 June 2016
Rising to the challenge
During the last few months I have been giving myself challenges to change my life. Some of them have had major effects, such as beginning to drive after an eleven year hiatus, and others have been more difficult to rise to.
The driving has been a mixed blessing. When I first got my car a couple of months back, I thought that the anxiety I had felt about driving would magically disappear. However, after a few weeks I was disappointed to find that this was not the case. I have managed to get used to a few local journeys that I make regularly, but when I am trying to go somewhere bigger or unfamiliar, I get panicky and am still not happy about driving, even though I have a sat-nav and allow plenty of time. It is still an ongoing challenge, although for getting around locally it has made a massive difference to my life and that of my family, particularly in getting to and from our church and regular toddler group. I am glad that I got myself to a point where I was able to help our family in this way, but part of me sometimes wishes I had an excuse to just get the bus and not push myself so much.
The most recent challenge, which I am still trying to push myself towards, is that of being more physically active. For some reason I am still unable to fathom, I signed myself up for a Couch to 5K course in my local park, and just under a month ago, I started pushing myself every week to pant my red-faced wobbly way around the course with a group of others (who appear to be doing a little better than me) with the encouragement of an instructor who has been trying her best to make us feel that running could be a fun activity. We have been alternating jogging and walking, and it is increasing incrementally each week.
Now, anyone who has known me for even a short while will know that, whilst I am able to do a short sprint to the bus stop, I am not a naturally sporty or active person. In fact, even at school I was one of those kids who would rather have their nose in a book than be outside and running around. It has taken a massive change of mind to get myself to a point where I would voluntarily sign myself onto a course that has anything to do with running. I have been a little overweight for years, and after having my daughter I did not have the willpower to make any effort to lose the weight through exercise. I have been gently reminded by a number of people that being a little bit more active would bring more benefits such as extra energy and less chance of being depressed.
Well, so far, the running has not given me more energy, I have been exhausted the day after each time I've been out. I've been aching all over and it is such a challenge to get round the course, especially on the 'homework runs' we have to complete between each session. I have also been having a lot of issues with depression in recent months. However, I am determined to carry on even though it is definitely getting harder each time. I am also lucky enough to have made a friend who has been doing the course with me, and have been really enjoying the chance to get to know her. I think having someone alongside me has been making all the difference.
Having someone who is able to come alongside us is so important in all challenges of our lives. I believe that God gives us people to travel part of our journey with us at key points in our lives. I have been fortunate enough to have a number of people who have been alongside me for various points of my life, from the minister who played a key role in helping me to escape my abusive ex, to the friends who have been helping me to realise that I am being a good mother to my toddler. Not to mention my husband, who has been alongside me in so many ways since we met. In the Bible it says that God brings us alongside others going through similar experiences so that we can encourage them with the comfort that we ourselves received first (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). It is good to know that we have a God who cares about us so much that he not only helps us himself, but gives us others to be alongside us along the way.
There will always be challenges that I come up against, and I will have to keep finding strength and willpower to keep pushing on. But I am confident that I will keep trying and that God will provide me with people to encourage me along the way.
The driving has been a mixed blessing. When I first got my car a couple of months back, I thought that the anxiety I had felt about driving would magically disappear. However, after a few weeks I was disappointed to find that this was not the case. I have managed to get used to a few local journeys that I make regularly, but when I am trying to go somewhere bigger or unfamiliar, I get panicky and am still not happy about driving, even though I have a sat-nav and allow plenty of time. It is still an ongoing challenge, although for getting around locally it has made a massive difference to my life and that of my family, particularly in getting to and from our church and regular toddler group. I am glad that I got myself to a point where I was able to help our family in this way, but part of me sometimes wishes I had an excuse to just get the bus and not push myself so much.
The most recent challenge, which I am still trying to push myself towards, is that of being more physically active. For some reason I am still unable to fathom, I signed myself up for a Couch to 5K course in my local park, and just under a month ago, I started pushing myself every week to pant my red-faced wobbly way around the course with a group of others (who appear to be doing a little better than me) with the encouragement of an instructor who has been trying her best to make us feel that running could be a fun activity. We have been alternating jogging and walking, and it is increasing incrementally each week.
Now, anyone who has known me for even a short while will know that, whilst I am able to do a short sprint to the bus stop, I am not a naturally sporty or active person. In fact, even at school I was one of those kids who would rather have their nose in a book than be outside and running around. It has taken a massive change of mind to get myself to a point where I would voluntarily sign myself onto a course that has anything to do with running. I have been a little overweight for years, and after having my daughter I did not have the willpower to make any effort to lose the weight through exercise. I have been gently reminded by a number of people that being a little bit more active would bring more benefits such as extra energy and less chance of being depressed.
Well, so far, the running has not given me more energy, I have been exhausted the day after each time I've been out. I've been aching all over and it is such a challenge to get round the course, especially on the 'homework runs' we have to complete between each session. I have also been having a lot of issues with depression in recent months. However, I am determined to carry on even though it is definitely getting harder each time. I am also lucky enough to have made a friend who has been doing the course with me, and have been really enjoying the chance to get to know her. I think having someone alongside me has been making all the difference.
Having someone who is able to come alongside us is so important in all challenges of our lives. I believe that God gives us people to travel part of our journey with us at key points in our lives. I have been fortunate enough to have a number of people who have been alongside me for various points of my life, from the minister who played a key role in helping me to escape my abusive ex, to the friends who have been helping me to realise that I am being a good mother to my toddler. Not to mention my husband, who has been alongside me in so many ways since we met. In the Bible it says that God brings us alongside others going through similar experiences so that we can encourage them with the comfort that we ourselves received first (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). It is good to know that we have a God who cares about us so much that he not only helps us himself, but gives us others to be alongside us along the way.
There will always be challenges that I come up against, and I will have to keep finding strength and willpower to keep pushing on. But I am confident that I will keep trying and that God will provide me with people to encourage me along the way.
Saturday, 14 May 2016
Positive anniversary time!
Last month was a time of anniversaries of unpleasant experiences and difficult times. I am so glad to say that this month is the month of happy anniversaries and good memories. This coming week is my wedding anniversary, and later this month it is the anniversary of meeting my husband. (We met just under a year before our wedding).
I am so happy that I have been able to move on enough in my life to meet and marry my soul mate. I know a lot of people say these things and I am risking being incredibly cheesy, but I really feel that he is the right person for me. I was in a bad way when I met him, not sure if I could trust anyone enough to enter a relationship. I had just had an on-off relationship with someone who wasn't sure of his own feelings, the first relationship I had attempted after the abuse, and I wasn't sure how I could meet anyone normal / sensible / ready for a relationship. I had had a few years of the disconcerting feeling that I wanted someone to be kind and romantic, being attracted to various people who weren't interested and finding that I was too scared anyway. I was convinced I was unlovable and too messed up in the head for anyone to really want me, and yet I kept finding that I was still a romantic at heart and wanted to be loved for being me. I was also convinced that because nobody would want me, I would never be able to become a mother, which had been a dream of mine since childhood. I became angry at people I knew who were having children, and horribly jealous. It was very difficult and I remember praying that God either send me someone to marry or take away the desire to have a child as I just couldn't understand why he would give me such a strong desire for something that would never be able to happen.
Being introduced to my husband by some lovely matchmaking mutual friends was a big risk for me. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea but decided that I had nothing to lose. I had known my friends for a while, and they had known my now husband for over eight years and so I decided to trust their judgement and exchange emails and facebook messages before meeting so I could suss out what he was like. I prayed about it a lot and asked for advice from family and friends before deciding to actually meet him, but once we met, we hit it off so easily and so amazingly well that it was hard to believe we had only just met. Finding someone who I could truly relax with was awesome, and I still can't believe that I have someone so much like me who believes in me so much.
Our wedding day was just what I always wanted. Simple but lovely, with all the people I could have wanted there, with the exception of my grandparents, who sadly had passed away before they ever got to meet my husband and see me find happiness. We chose the hymns that mattered to us, including 'Be Thou my Vision', because for us, the service was the most important part. I will never forget walking into the church and seeing so many lovely people there wishing us both all the best. The reception was fun too, but it was the service that really mattered to me. I wanted to give thanks to God for bringing me to that point in my life, from the bad times to the good ones. The reading we chose was significant too. My ex had always used scripture as a weapon to make me do as he wanted, especially Ephesians 5:22-24, which says that wives are to submit to their husbands. However, for our wedding we chose this passage but put it in context, so had the reading from verse 21 to verse 33, and from The Message translation. If you're not familiar with the passage we chose, it starts by saying that everyone should submit to one another out of love for Christ. It then says wives are to submit to their husbands, but husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church (in other words, be prepared to die for her). It was really important to me to reclaim this passage for its true meaning.
This doesn't mean that I promised to obey my husband in our wedding vows. Submission and obedience are two different things. I'm not going to go into this here as its quite complicated, but needless to say, it was my decision to have this reading at our wedding as a sign to myself and to everyone else that I was free to make my own choices in this relationship.
And of course, just over a year and a half later, we had our daughter and I had no reason to be angry or jealous of my friends or family any more for having their children. I had always felt guilty for feeling that way anyway. I sometimes find parenting really hard, but it's a journey I am very glad to be on.
It's nice to be able to write about positive anniversaries after the unhappy remembrances of April. I'm trying to remind myself to look at the more recent past and enjoy what I have, and to look forward to the future too.
I make no apology for how soppy this post has been, by the way!
I am so happy that I have been able to move on enough in my life to meet and marry my soul mate. I know a lot of people say these things and I am risking being incredibly cheesy, but I really feel that he is the right person for me. I was in a bad way when I met him, not sure if I could trust anyone enough to enter a relationship. I had just had an on-off relationship with someone who wasn't sure of his own feelings, the first relationship I had attempted after the abuse, and I wasn't sure how I could meet anyone normal / sensible / ready for a relationship. I had had a few years of the disconcerting feeling that I wanted someone to be kind and romantic, being attracted to various people who weren't interested and finding that I was too scared anyway. I was convinced I was unlovable and too messed up in the head for anyone to really want me, and yet I kept finding that I was still a romantic at heart and wanted to be loved for being me. I was also convinced that because nobody would want me, I would never be able to become a mother, which had been a dream of mine since childhood. I became angry at people I knew who were having children, and horribly jealous. It was very difficult and I remember praying that God either send me someone to marry or take away the desire to have a child as I just couldn't understand why he would give me such a strong desire for something that would never be able to happen.
Being introduced to my husband by some lovely matchmaking mutual friends was a big risk for me. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea but decided that I had nothing to lose. I had known my friends for a while, and they had known my now husband for over eight years and so I decided to trust their judgement and exchange emails and facebook messages before meeting so I could suss out what he was like. I prayed about it a lot and asked for advice from family and friends before deciding to actually meet him, but once we met, we hit it off so easily and so amazingly well that it was hard to believe we had only just met. Finding someone who I could truly relax with was awesome, and I still can't believe that I have someone so much like me who believes in me so much.
Our wedding day was just what I always wanted. Simple but lovely, with all the people I could have wanted there, with the exception of my grandparents, who sadly had passed away before they ever got to meet my husband and see me find happiness. We chose the hymns that mattered to us, including 'Be Thou my Vision', because for us, the service was the most important part. I will never forget walking into the church and seeing so many lovely people there wishing us both all the best. The reception was fun too, but it was the service that really mattered to me. I wanted to give thanks to God for bringing me to that point in my life, from the bad times to the good ones. The reading we chose was significant too. My ex had always used scripture as a weapon to make me do as he wanted, especially Ephesians 5:22-24, which says that wives are to submit to their husbands. However, for our wedding we chose this passage but put it in context, so had the reading from verse 21 to verse 33, and from The Message translation. If you're not familiar with the passage we chose, it starts by saying that everyone should submit to one another out of love for Christ. It then says wives are to submit to their husbands, but husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church (in other words, be prepared to die for her). It was really important to me to reclaim this passage for its true meaning.
This doesn't mean that I promised to obey my husband in our wedding vows. Submission and obedience are two different things. I'm not going to go into this here as its quite complicated, but needless to say, it was my decision to have this reading at our wedding as a sign to myself and to everyone else that I was free to make my own choices in this relationship.
And of course, just over a year and a half later, we had our daughter and I had no reason to be angry or jealous of my friends or family any more for having their children. I had always felt guilty for feeling that way anyway. I sometimes find parenting really hard, but it's a journey I am very glad to be on.
It's nice to be able to write about positive anniversaries after the unhappy remembrances of April. I'm trying to remind myself to look at the more recent past and enjoy what I have, and to look forward to the future too.
I make no apology for how soppy this post has been, by the way!
Saturday, 23 April 2016
The difficult choice to be positive
Today marks the anniversary of the start of the last five days of living with my ex. The anniversary of the worst of the assaults, the rape and the sleep deprivation which culminated in my ex telling me I had to leave as he was worried about what he would do to me next. The anniversary week of being told by the police that they may well have been dealing with me as a murder victim had I remained in the situation any longer.
Every year I have flashbacks where I relive what happened. Or at the very least, memories keep edging their way into my conscious thoughts and I find myself constantly having to bat them away or fill my mind with other things to keep myself distracted. Every April I tell myself, 'it's been so long, maybe that reaction will have gone away this year'. And every year I find that it hasn't.
I have had years where I have been less burdened with memories. I have tried various tactics to combat their appearance. I have had days to myself, to process everything. I have had times where I have chosen to forget the anniversary entirely (this was not at all successful and resulted in me sitting in church in tears - a bit embarrassing, to tell the truth as I then felt I needed to explain why I was crying...) and this year I have decided to do something a little different.
I am having a party with some of my lovely friends to celebrate the freedom that I now have. I am not sure if I will feel in the party mood by the time the day arrives, but I think if I can surround myself all morning with people and make myself be up-beat, I may just make it through that day without getting bogged down in negative emotions.
I am choosing to be positive, because if I think about it without the emotions and the memories popping into my head, there is so much to be thankful for. I have achieved much since my ex was arrested - not to blow my own trumpet, but it ranges from being brave enough to go to his sentencing hearing, to getting myself back into my old job and all that entailed within eight months, to going back to university and studying for my master's degree in a city I had never lived in before, all whilst suffering from PTSD.... Plus I have found and married someone who is truly good and caring, and have a beautiful (if rather challenging) little girl who fills my days with so much activity that there isn't much time to think about anything else!
It is not easy to choose to be positive with all this temptation to focus on the bad experiences I had, but I believe it is really important. Along with choosing to forgive my ex, which I still struggle with enormously, focussing on the celebration of my freedom rather than the intrusive memories gives me the possibility of one day leaving it all behind and being able to live in the present with the life that I now have. I believe that this is what God is calling me to do, and that somehow I can help others to do this too.
Every year I have flashbacks where I relive what happened. Or at the very least, memories keep edging their way into my conscious thoughts and I find myself constantly having to bat them away or fill my mind with other things to keep myself distracted. Every April I tell myself, 'it's been so long, maybe that reaction will have gone away this year'. And every year I find that it hasn't.
I have had years where I have been less burdened with memories. I have tried various tactics to combat their appearance. I have had days to myself, to process everything. I have had times where I have chosen to forget the anniversary entirely (this was not at all successful and resulted in me sitting in church in tears - a bit embarrassing, to tell the truth as I then felt I needed to explain why I was crying...) and this year I have decided to do something a little different.
I am having a party with some of my lovely friends to celebrate the freedom that I now have. I am not sure if I will feel in the party mood by the time the day arrives, but I think if I can surround myself all morning with people and make myself be up-beat, I may just make it through that day without getting bogged down in negative emotions.
I am choosing to be positive, because if I think about it without the emotions and the memories popping into my head, there is so much to be thankful for. I have achieved much since my ex was arrested - not to blow my own trumpet, but it ranges from being brave enough to go to his sentencing hearing, to getting myself back into my old job and all that entailed within eight months, to going back to university and studying for my master's degree in a city I had never lived in before, all whilst suffering from PTSD.... Plus I have found and married someone who is truly good and caring, and have a beautiful (if rather challenging) little girl who fills my days with so much activity that there isn't much time to think about anything else!
It is not easy to choose to be positive with all this temptation to focus on the bad experiences I had, but I believe it is really important. Along with choosing to forgive my ex, which I still struggle with enormously, focussing on the celebration of my freedom rather than the intrusive memories gives me the possibility of one day leaving it all behind and being able to live in the present with the life that I now have. I believe that this is what God is calling me to do, and that somehow I can help others to do this too.
Tuesday, 12 April 2016
The valley of dry bones
I wrote this post as an anonymous guest blogger for Restored's blog (originally just for the Survivors' Network but eventually to be included in their website blog), but thought you might like to read it here too:
I am a survivor, and my story has been shared many times, in
many places, to raise awareness of domestic abuse and how it can happen to
anyone. It was a gradual increase from working on my self-esteem, to cutting me
off from my family and friends, controlling my money and my social contact, and
finally, to extreme violence. It took me by surprise and I was in denial even
afterwards as to how it could have happened to me. But fortunately it was taken
seriously by the authorities and my ex was given a considerable custodial
sentence.
After I left my ex and moved back in with my parents, I
started to question why God had allowed such a horrendous thing to happen to
me. I had been told by the police that in terms of injuries, mine was one of
the worst cases they had dealt with, and they believed that I would have been
killed by my abuser if I had remained in the situation for just a few days
more. These thoughts started to circulate in my head and I started to question
how a God who loved me could have stood by and let me be so badly treated
without any sign of reprieve until the day I finally managed to leave.
It took many months, perhaps even years of working through
this that I finally realised that God does love me and was always with me, but
I was totally unaware of it at the time. There’s a passage in Ezekiel 37
(verses 1-14) that came to me at the time and still resonates with me now.
The prophet Ezekiel is taken in a vision to a valley full of
dry, dead bones. The Lord tells him to prophesy to them, to tell them that the
Lord says he will make them join together again, be covered with tendons, and
muscles and skin. Ezekiel does as he is told, and the bones join together in
front of him, and become covered in flesh, but they are not alive. Then God
tells him to tell the wind to come and blow life into the dead and they stand
up and come back to life. God explains to Ezekiel that these bones represent
the people of Israel and how they are feeling cut off from God, and then makes
a promise that the people will be brought back to the land of Israel and he
will put his spirit in them.
The reason that this passage has resonance with me is this:
My faith died when I left my abusive ex. It had been struggling for a while but
I had been clinging onto it with all my might even through the bad times
because it felt as if it was all I had left of my deepest self, that hadn’t
already been beaten or somehow taken from me already. But because I somehow
couldn’t deny God’s existence, I felt I couldn’t totally turn my back on him,
which is why I ended up searching for answers instead of just denying he was
there at all. The main thing that I couldn’t understand was how God could be a
God of love and yet watch me go through such horrendous experiences without
doing anything, seeing as I had been led to believe in a God of miracles. But
as I searched further, I realised that he did a lot more than I realised.
I was given someone to keep an eye out for me long before I
realised I needed it. I had for a while attended a local church (before my ex
got suspicious of me going and made it too difficult), where the minister had expressed
concern and offered to help me any time I needed it. Two years later when I
needed to get away somewhere safe, he was the person I called. The next door
neighbours had long had concerns about me and had reported it to the police on
a number of occasions, both at the house we had lived at last, and at our
previous address. When the police needed to gather evidence, both sets of neighbours
were willing to give statement which assisted the trial no end. These were
people who I had barely met, and to this day have been unable to thank, but am
so grateful to them. Finally, when things had reached their worst point, my ex
suddenly turned around one day and told me I had to leave as he was worried
about what he would do to me next, and a few hours later, he walked me to the
bus stop and waved me off. The next time I saw him was in court when I attended
his sentencing hearing (once he had changed his plea to guilty on all charges,
another miracle). Even the willingness of my very caring workplace to give
statements to the police for use in the trial was further evidence of God’s
help as I had been unable to share with anyone what had been going on. God was
there but I did not see him at work.
God restored my faith through loving friends and family, and
various churches I attended over the years. I was able to question and
challenge on many occasions about where God is when we suffer. My faith came
back together and had life breathed back into it, and I was able to reaffirm my
baptismal vows a few years ago as a result. God is with me and I know that he
loves me and will never let me go.
Monday, 28 March 2016
The effects of taking up a challenge
Last time I wrote in this blog I talked about taking up driving again, and how I was facing up to my fears. Well, a few weeks on, I thought you might be interested to know how that is going.
Well, first of all, the driving itself is going well. I am beginning to think about looking for a car of my own, and although I do not yet feel that I could drive without an instructor by my side, I feel that with the right amount of forcing myself to practise, I could get confident enough to at least cope with short, local journeys until I build up to more difficult driving.
Facing up to my fears has been a bit more challenging. I rather naively thought that once I started facing my fears, all of the stress and anxiety would melt away. Unfortunately this has not exactly happened how I thought it would. Put simply, just because you are being brave and facing your fears does not make the fear itself go away. You still feel the fear, but have resolved to continue in spite of it. This is what I have been reminding myself of repeatedly in the last few weeks. I am still afraid of not being a safe enough driver, of being dangerous to myself and other road users by not being able to drive as well as I ought. But I have to keep reminding myself that I was deemed safe enough to drive all that time ago when I passed my test, and I can regain that level of competence with practice.
I am focussed on the goal of the independence that car ownership will bring. I am choosing to look at that rather than at the nerves and stress I currently experience behind the wheel when I am taken by my instructor through busy traffic (particularly if it involves roundabouts!). There's a great couple of verses in Paul's letter to the Philippians, chapter 3 verses 13-14, which talks of a man running a race, keeping his eyes fixed on the prize in front of him. This passage is talking about the prize of heaven, but it is a good analogy for what I am trying to say as well.
But the next few weeks will be challenging. Not only do I hope to start my search for my own car, but I will also have the yearly flashbacks and unwanted emotions that have plagued me for a number of years since my abusive relationship ended. Even when I choose not to think about it, I remember the way I was treated, just how horrendous it all was, and I mentally count down another year of his sentence gone, another year less of his incarceration... I find myself dwelling on things that are best forgotten, even when I tell myself that it is all in the past and not part of my life any more.
It is in these moments that I need to remind myself what I have achieved. I have faced the fear and survived; no, more than that, I have overcome. I kept my faith in God and would now consider it to be stronger than when my ex tried to take it from me. I healed physically and mentally, and am now tackling my fear of driving which was a result of the mental health scars I had. I found a loving relationship, married and have a child - something I would never have considered possible. I went back to university, proved to myself that I have a brain and am capable of so many things he made me believe I wasn't.
In fact, I would love to turn the anniversary of his arrest into a celebration of my own freedom, rather than a series of flashbacks looking at what he did in the days leading up to that day. I am thinking of trying to organise some kind of special day with friends, so am going to get planning!
Well, first of all, the driving itself is going well. I am beginning to think about looking for a car of my own, and although I do not yet feel that I could drive without an instructor by my side, I feel that with the right amount of forcing myself to practise, I could get confident enough to at least cope with short, local journeys until I build up to more difficult driving.
Facing up to my fears has been a bit more challenging. I rather naively thought that once I started facing my fears, all of the stress and anxiety would melt away. Unfortunately this has not exactly happened how I thought it would. Put simply, just because you are being brave and facing your fears does not make the fear itself go away. You still feel the fear, but have resolved to continue in spite of it. This is what I have been reminding myself of repeatedly in the last few weeks. I am still afraid of not being a safe enough driver, of being dangerous to myself and other road users by not being able to drive as well as I ought. But I have to keep reminding myself that I was deemed safe enough to drive all that time ago when I passed my test, and I can regain that level of competence with practice.
I am focussed on the goal of the independence that car ownership will bring. I am choosing to look at that rather than at the nerves and stress I currently experience behind the wheel when I am taken by my instructor through busy traffic (particularly if it involves roundabouts!). There's a great couple of verses in Paul's letter to the Philippians, chapter 3 verses 13-14, which talks of a man running a race, keeping his eyes fixed on the prize in front of him. This passage is talking about the prize of heaven, but it is a good analogy for what I am trying to say as well.
But the next few weeks will be challenging. Not only do I hope to start my search for my own car, but I will also have the yearly flashbacks and unwanted emotions that have plagued me for a number of years since my abusive relationship ended. Even when I choose not to think about it, I remember the way I was treated, just how horrendous it all was, and I mentally count down another year of his sentence gone, another year less of his incarceration... I find myself dwelling on things that are best forgotten, even when I tell myself that it is all in the past and not part of my life any more.
It is in these moments that I need to remind myself what I have achieved. I have faced the fear and survived; no, more than that, I have overcome. I kept my faith in God and would now consider it to be stronger than when my ex tried to take it from me. I healed physically and mentally, and am now tackling my fear of driving which was a result of the mental health scars I had. I found a loving relationship, married and have a child - something I would never have considered possible. I went back to university, proved to myself that I have a brain and am capable of so many things he made me believe I wasn't.
In fact, I would love to turn the anniversary of his arrest into a celebration of my own freedom, rather than a series of flashbacks looking at what he did in the days leading up to that day. I am thinking of trying to organise some kind of special day with friends, so am going to get planning!
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