Last time I wrote in this blog I talked about taking up driving again, and how I was facing up to my fears. Well, a few weeks on, I thought you might be interested to know how that is going.
Well, first of all, the driving itself is going well. I am beginning to think about looking for a car of my own, and although I do not yet feel that I could drive without an instructor by my side, I feel that with the right amount of forcing myself to practise, I could get confident enough to at least cope with short, local journeys until I build up to more difficult driving.
Facing up to my fears has been a bit more challenging. I rather naively thought that once I started facing my fears, all of the stress and anxiety would melt away. Unfortunately this has not exactly happened how I thought it would. Put simply, just because you are being brave and facing your fears does not make the fear itself go away. You still feel the fear, but have resolved to continue in spite of it. This is what I have been reminding myself of repeatedly in the last few weeks. I am still afraid of not being a safe enough driver, of being dangerous to myself and other road users by not being able to drive as well as I ought. But I have to keep reminding myself that I was deemed safe enough to drive all that time ago when I passed my test, and I can regain that level of competence with practice.
I am focussed on the goal of the independence that car ownership will bring. I am choosing to look at that rather than at the nerves and stress I currently experience behind the wheel when I am taken by my instructor through busy traffic (particularly if it involves roundabouts!). There's a great couple of verses in Paul's letter to the Philippians, chapter 3 verses 13-14, which talks of a man running a race, keeping his eyes fixed on the prize in front of him. This passage is talking about the prize of heaven, but it is a good analogy for what I am trying to say as well.
But the next few weeks will be challenging. Not only do I hope to start my search for my own car, but I will also have the yearly flashbacks and unwanted emotions that have plagued me for a number of years since my abusive relationship ended. Even when I choose not to think about it, I remember the way I was treated, just how horrendous it all was, and I mentally count down another year of his sentence gone, another year less of his incarceration... I find myself dwelling on things that are best forgotten, even when I tell myself that it is all in the past and not part of my life any more.
It is in these moments that I need to remind myself what I have achieved. I have faced the fear and survived; no, more than that, I have overcome. I kept my faith in God and would now consider it to be stronger than when my ex tried to take it from me. I healed physically and mentally, and am now tackling my fear of driving which was a result of the mental health scars I had. I found a loving relationship, married and have a child - something I would never have considered possible. I went back to university, proved to myself that I have a brain and am capable of so many things he made me believe I wasn't.
In fact, I would love to turn the anniversary of his arrest into a celebration of my own freedom, rather than a series of flashbacks looking at what he did in the days leading up to that day. I am thinking of trying to organise some kind of special day with friends, so am going to get planning!
Monday 28 March 2016
Monday 7 March 2016
Who's in the driving seat?
I have a confession to make. It wasn't something I realised that I was doing until recently, but I have now come to the point where I am aware and have to say:
I was living in fear, and now it's time for that to stop.
I'm not talking about the fear I experienced whilst living in an abusive situation. I have only ever been in an abusive relationship once, and that happened a number of years ago now. I am not afraid of any person currently in my life. Nor am I afraid of the future and what it might hold, or of what other people think of me and the way that I live my life. I am not afraid of the memories I hold of the past, although for a long while that was a big obstacle in my life which I needed to work out how to overcome.
I am talking about being afraid of my own mental health, and how it might affect my ability to cope with my life.
A number of years ago, during the abusive relationship but before I was aware of how abusive it was, I was lucky enough to pass my driving test. However, due to various circumstances including moving cities less than a week later, and then increasing financial abuse by my ex and other reasons I can't remember, I never drove again. Then once I was recovering from the abuse, I had to battle for a number of years with post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety and panic attacks. Driving never seemed like a sensible consideration and I was also able to use the excuse that I didn't have the money anyway. Plus I found out that PTSD is a condition that you are supposed to declare to the DVLA (Driver Licensing Agency in the UK), and so I was able to use that as another reason not to try as I hadn't actually told them about it.
But more recently life has caught up with me a bit. Although my family lives in a city with good transport links and we live close to bus routes, it has become increasingly difficult for us to get around with a toddler who would frankly rather be doing something more interesting than catching yet another bus. And going anywhere outside our city is extremely difficult and expensive. Having been in our current flat for the last year and a half, in an area where I have only recently been getting to know people locally (mainly through our church, which is about 20 mins away by bus), it has been a very lonely experience which has made me feel rather isolated. It got me thinking: What if I tried driving again? The main reason I hadn't wanted to try (apart from the cost of buying and running a car) was that I was afraid of freaking out behind the wheel. What I remembered of my driving lessons involved me feeling rather stressed about dealing with other road users and being intimidated by large and fast roads. So earlier this year I contacted the DVLA about my PTSD and they confirmed me fit to drive, so I could no longer use that as an excuse. I also recently finished a course of counselling and feel more confident about not having any more issues with panic or stress.
So in the end I decided that to have a lesson or two with a driving instructor in a dual-controlled car would be worth it just to see if I could cope, and that if it all went horribly wrong, I had at least found that out.
My first lesson was last Friday. It was with some trepidation that I got into the car with the instructor, who took me to a quiet road nearby. I remembered how to adjust the seat to the most comfortable driving position, and where my mirrors should be. And we set off. I had thought we would start off with a small estate or cul-de-sac type area like where my instructor in my home town had started teaching me as a beginner. But this instructor took me on a road which soon became a bit faster, and eventually involved dual carriageways, roundabouts, and an industrial estate with lots of lorries. I actually had to watch my speed a number of times as I had been putting my foot down a bit too much. Apart from stopping at junctions a little sooner than I needed, and doing emergency stops instead of stopping gently, I was amazed at how well I could drive. Not only did I not freak out at the wheel, I enjoyed myself and felt in control of the car pretty much all of the time.
I arrived home energised and excited, far from the exhausted and stressed feeling I was expecting to be feeling. I had overcome a massive hurdle that was, to a great extent, of my own making. I realised that I have spent so many years being afraid of what might happen with my own mental health that I had forgotten to try actually living.
I will be taking more lessons to get myself back into practice before I actually get a car of my own, but this has been such a great encouragement and a big lesson to me about how big my problems can seem until I get up close and see them for what they really are. My mental health has had to get into the back seat so that I can be in the driving seat once more and take control of my life.
And where does my faith fit into all of this? Well, I am aware that there are some schools of thought around mental health issues which can make sufferers feel guilty for having a mental health problem when they are told that they are not trusting God enough and are allowing themselves to be dominated by their problems. This is not Christian thinking, it is a false interpretation of a situation which is clearly not understood by those who are proclaiming those views and who are fortunate enough not to have to deal with the issues themselves. As I see it, God is with me in whatever situation I am in. The things that I have been battling with are due to chemical imbalances or faulty wiring in the brain and have nothing to do with my mind and how I think or feel about anything.
So, to use a driving analogy once more, I am in the driving seat of my life, but God is the sat-nav. He guides me along the best routes for me and tells me what to do and where to go, but I have to choose to follow his directions and listen to him. There's a great verse in Proverbs that says 'In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.'
I was living in fear, and now it's time for that to stop.
I'm not talking about the fear I experienced whilst living in an abusive situation. I have only ever been in an abusive relationship once, and that happened a number of years ago now. I am not afraid of any person currently in my life. Nor am I afraid of the future and what it might hold, or of what other people think of me and the way that I live my life. I am not afraid of the memories I hold of the past, although for a long while that was a big obstacle in my life which I needed to work out how to overcome.
I am talking about being afraid of my own mental health, and how it might affect my ability to cope with my life.
A number of years ago, during the abusive relationship but before I was aware of how abusive it was, I was lucky enough to pass my driving test. However, due to various circumstances including moving cities less than a week later, and then increasing financial abuse by my ex and other reasons I can't remember, I never drove again. Then once I was recovering from the abuse, I had to battle for a number of years with post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety and panic attacks. Driving never seemed like a sensible consideration and I was also able to use the excuse that I didn't have the money anyway. Plus I found out that PTSD is a condition that you are supposed to declare to the DVLA (Driver Licensing Agency in the UK), and so I was able to use that as another reason not to try as I hadn't actually told them about it.
But more recently life has caught up with me a bit. Although my family lives in a city with good transport links and we live close to bus routes, it has become increasingly difficult for us to get around with a toddler who would frankly rather be doing something more interesting than catching yet another bus. And going anywhere outside our city is extremely difficult and expensive. Having been in our current flat for the last year and a half, in an area where I have only recently been getting to know people locally (mainly through our church, which is about 20 mins away by bus), it has been a very lonely experience which has made me feel rather isolated. It got me thinking: What if I tried driving again? The main reason I hadn't wanted to try (apart from the cost of buying and running a car) was that I was afraid of freaking out behind the wheel. What I remembered of my driving lessons involved me feeling rather stressed about dealing with other road users and being intimidated by large and fast roads. So earlier this year I contacted the DVLA about my PTSD and they confirmed me fit to drive, so I could no longer use that as an excuse. I also recently finished a course of counselling and feel more confident about not having any more issues with panic or stress.
So in the end I decided that to have a lesson or two with a driving instructor in a dual-controlled car would be worth it just to see if I could cope, and that if it all went horribly wrong, I had at least found that out.
My first lesson was last Friday. It was with some trepidation that I got into the car with the instructor, who took me to a quiet road nearby. I remembered how to adjust the seat to the most comfortable driving position, and where my mirrors should be. And we set off. I had thought we would start off with a small estate or cul-de-sac type area like where my instructor in my home town had started teaching me as a beginner. But this instructor took me on a road which soon became a bit faster, and eventually involved dual carriageways, roundabouts, and an industrial estate with lots of lorries. I actually had to watch my speed a number of times as I had been putting my foot down a bit too much. Apart from stopping at junctions a little sooner than I needed, and doing emergency stops instead of stopping gently, I was amazed at how well I could drive. Not only did I not freak out at the wheel, I enjoyed myself and felt in control of the car pretty much all of the time.
I arrived home energised and excited, far from the exhausted and stressed feeling I was expecting to be feeling. I had overcome a massive hurdle that was, to a great extent, of my own making. I realised that I have spent so many years being afraid of what might happen with my own mental health that I had forgotten to try actually living.
I will be taking more lessons to get myself back into practice before I actually get a car of my own, but this has been such a great encouragement and a big lesson to me about how big my problems can seem until I get up close and see them for what they really are. My mental health has had to get into the back seat so that I can be in the driving seat once more and take control of my life.
And where does my faith fit into all of this? Well, I am aware that there are some schools of thought around mental health issues which can make sufferers feel guilty for having a mental health problem when they are told that they are not trusting God enough and are allowing themselves to be dominated by their problems. This is not Christian thinking, it is a false interpretation of a situation which is clearly not understood by those who are proclaiming those views and who are fortunate enough not to have to deal with the issues themselves. As I see it, God is with me in whatever situation I am in. The things that I have been battling with are due to chemical imbalances or faulty wiring in the brain and have nothing to do with my mind and how I think or feel about anything.
So, to use a driving analogy once more, I am in the driving seat of my life, but God is the sat-nav. He guides me along the best routes for me and tells me what to do and where to go, but I have to choose to follow his directions and listen to him. There's a great verse in Proverbs that says 'In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.'
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