After a busy summer, I found myself facing yet more new beginnings, this time in the form of a new job and sending my daughter to nursery for the first time.
At times over the last few months it has felt as though I have been dancing on quicksand, with the ground under my feet changing so rapidly.
I have had a steep learning curve in terms of becoming more confident in my driving, and although I have had the odd moment that has made me a little nervous, I have not experienced the panic that I was dreading if things became a little difficult.
I pushed myself to complete a Couch to 5k course, and although I didn't quite manage to run 5 kilometres by the end, I did manage to do 27 minutes of jogging without stopping, which was a massive achievement for me. My physical fitness has improved a little, which means being able to do more before I become breathless and tired, and although I knew from the start that I was never going to become a runner, I have been able to appreciate being able to dance with my daughter for a lot longer before having to stop for a break.
I found that I was struggling as a stay at home mum. I was ashamed to admit it to anyone in case it made me look like a bad mother. So much of the time we hear parenting opinions through social media that are loudly expressed, which may not be the same as what is best for our family. I was particularly affected by this and couldn't understand why I wasn't enjoying being at home with my daughter, but was bored and depressed. It didn't help that she was accidentally giving me flashbacks to the behaviour of my ex, simply by being a toddler and behaving like a typical child of her age. Toddlers will not understand concepts of personal space, they do not understand that no means no, or stop means stop. In my daughter's case, it meant giving me affectionate 'squidging' of my cheeks with both hands, throwing her arms around my neck very tightly, and hugging or headbutting me on the arm that has never fully recovered from the assaults I suffered. Not to mention shouting, throwing things and generally tantrumming as you would expect a child going through the 'terrible twos'. The flashbacks were causing me to push her away and basically shut down, either totally freaking out of wanting to keep myself away from any physical contact from anyone. It took me a long time to work this out and once I did, I was able to understand why my child had been so bewildered at my reactions to her. I was able to remind myself that she acts the way that she does because of the developmental stage she is at, whereas my ex acted that way in order to manipulate and intimidate me.
Sometimes I wonder how many more years it will be before I stop being reminded of what my ex put me through. I wonder if there will ever come a point where I will forget the physical effects and no longer suffer from any mental scars. Although I don't generally have continuous reminders, there are enough here and there to make sure that I am unable to ever fully forget it all. While I still suffer from depression, anxiety and other problems involving what I would describe as post-ptsd symptoms, it is still going to be there in the back of my mind.
But in spite of this negative view which I find myself thinking about from time to time, I still believe that God is working through my life in many ways. I do believe that he is there giving me strength, and there's a song I've been thinking about whilst writing this blog post. It's a song we sometimes sing at our church, and it means a lot to me. It's called Praise is Rising, and the words include how God makes our broken lives new and saves us...
I feel that God has definitely been with me this summer. By the end of the summer, in spite of not actively looking for work, I had found a job at our previous church, with lots of people I already knew. I had also found a lovely nursery for my daughter to go to, which she absolutely loves. I am thoroughly enjoying being at work again, and can feel pleased that not only is my daughter doing well with the childcare I have put her in, she is actually thriving and developing in all directions thanks to the excellent care they are giving her. I am working part time so am still spending plenty of time with her and can actually be more organised about doing fun things together on my non working days. My husband is looking after her one day a week as well, so they are getting some proper time together too. I have no need to feel in any way guilty that I am enjoying being at work again.
I think sometimes I have listened too much to the opinions of the world around me, particularly through social media, without looking at what would be best for me and my family. It is hard to switch off from the cacophony of voices from all directions, but I am learning that sometimes it is best to follow my gut and not listen to all and every different opinion out there. I am learning that actually sometimes I know my family best (much as I have always hated the phrase 'Mum knows best'!)
So, as I continue with the new normal this term, I am able to be confident in my own decision making, and that I have a God who is with me and working in my life in ways I may not be expecting. It's a good feeling to have.
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