Finding joy in the simple things in life can be great fun. Having a toddler around has taught me a new appreciation for enjoying the moment and simply enjoying playing and being silly together.
When we become adults, we lose so much in the way of the ability to marvel at the world around us and simply be thankful for what we have. We forget how to find beauty and awe in our surroundings.
The other day, we went for a family trip out, and while waiting for the bus, my husband and daughter went and looked at a tree. She was so amazed at how big it was, and how the bark was so many different colours. She was really interested that it had no leaves on. To me, if I hadn't had her there, I would have just looked at it and thought, 'That's a tree'. My reaction is not unusual, but thinking more about her reaction made me think about how wonderful the natural world is. I am sure that God loves it when we look at his creation and think 'wow!'
Explaining to my daughter what frost is and why the grass was all white and cold this morning was fun too. She had to bend down and touch it to understand what I was telling her. Again, she was really excited by it and was keen to explore what it was. I think that God wants us to be like that with us, for us to hear of his goodness and be excited by it and want to explore it and understand it more. This week I am thinking of this a lot more than usual as our church is having a 'Prayer Week', with ideas to help us to pray more and spend more time listening to what God wants to say to us. I think that he is calling all of us to be a lot simpler in our relationship with him, to trust in him and let him walk with us and lead us where he wants us to go.
God also wants us to have joy in our hearts. Toddlers are so good at this. My daughter and I have had so many moments recently where we have had fun doing simple silly things, like dancing round our lounge to our favourite music (either classical radio, or blues seem to be the favourites at the moment!). I am so grateful that nobody ever sees this - although I would love to be as uninhibited as my toddler, I know that I would be incredibly embarrassed if I knew anyone was actually watching! We have also had a number of other crazy games like shuffling up and down our hallway on our bottoms (this one would have been even more embarrassing for others to see than my dancing!). So many different ways to simply enjoy being together and playing. But however we may feel about others seeing our embarrassing moments, whatever they may be, God wants to share in those things with us. Doing those silly things with my daughter has been such tremendous fun, and seeing her laughing has been the best part. God wants us to be as uninhibited with him as a toddler is with their parent when they are playing together, and to share our joy with him.
No matter what is going on in our lives, there are always small things to be grateful for, Even in the very worst of times, when I was having a terrible time with my ex, and a lot of family stuff was happening at the same time, it was possible to have some small thing to appreciate. It takes the determination to find something good in everything. I haven't always been good at it, and there have been times when it seemed too much to even try. But whether it's a beautiful sunny day, your favourite food, a song you enjoy, or an unexpected surprise, once you start looking for good things to appreciate, there are so many things you can be grateful for. The aftermath of the abuse was the most difficult time I had been through apart from the abuse itself, but during that time I realised what a loving family I had, and how many good friends I had too. In the darkest of times I was blessed by those around me.
God wants us to approach him as little children. I read somewhere that he wants us to be 'childlike' and not 'childish'. He wants us to be simple in our relationship with him, to be open and honest and let him see the innermost part of our being, like a toddler is with his or her parents. He loves us and wants us to know him and simply enjoy being with him, like my toddler enjoys playing with me. That doesn't necessarily mean he wants us to publicly embarrass ourselves in public by shuffling on our bottoms or doing bad dancing though! That is just between me and my lovely toddler....
Friday, 22 January 2016
Monday, 18 January 2016
Moving forward
Moving forward after a significant negative event in your past is very difficult, especially when you feel it has had a strong effect in shaping the life in which you are now living. This is something which has challenged and still continues to challenge me to this day.
Looking back can have two opposite effects. It can remind you how far you have come, how much you have achieved and how much better your life is now than it was. This is the positive way of looking at it. But it can also have a negative effect. It can remind you how bad things were, and how much your life changed since the events that shaped you. It can sometimes remind you of what you have lost or the things you have had to let go of. In looking back too often, you can remain chained to old ways of thinking or tied to anger about the past that may no longer have relevance in your life now. I have periodically swung between these two ways of looking back, and it has been hard to remain on the positive side.
But I have found one way which has helped me to move on a bit, and which I trust to continue to help me in the future. This is something which I always found impossible to believe in until I was in that position myself: Forgiveness.
I always viewed with extreme scepticism any media reports that said things like 'this family lost a child due to bombings by the IRA, but they have forgiven their child's murderer'. I always thought: 'How can anyone forgive like that? And how could they decide so quickly to forgive? Do they really mean it, or is it just a way to get the media to cover their story?'. I found it impossible to accept that it should be necessary to forgive someone in those circumstances, particularly if the perpetrator had not shown any remorse for their actions, or in some circumstances, if the perpetrator had died or killed themselves. But I had to re-evaluate this view when I found myself in a position where I was so, so very angry about being so badly treated and left with so many injuries, physical, mental and spiritual, but my abuser showed no remorse - even trying to blame me for his actions during a trial in which he was pleading guilty for what he was charged with (try to figure that one out, if you will!)
I came to realise that I had had a faulty view of forgiveness which was keeping me from letting go of the hurt, the pain and the anger which could never be fully resolved without some kind of action on my part. In my understanding, in order to forgive, I first had to receive an apology. I then had to let go of all of my feelings about the events and the person who wronged me, and simply forget the lot. In my view that was asking too much. I thought that that was what the bible taught as well, that the way that God deals with us is that we ask his forgiveness, he lets us off the hook and then forgets all about it. I thought that we are supposed to do the same, and not necessarily take any action to avoid that person being in our life. However, this can be a dangerous view of forgiveness. In abusive relationships, including the one I had, the abuser can demand forgiveness, expect the matter to never be raised again, and never be made to account for his actions, as well as ensuring that the victim is never able to justify leaving or avoiding a situation for her own safety due to the abuse that has taken place previously.
In fact, if we view forgiveness as the abuser does, or as I did, then it means that we end up believing in a God who would rather keep us enslaved in abuse and danger than safe and protected, something which I do not believe is true. God does not expect us to overlook sin as he does, without making sure that we are safe. In other words, he does not expect victims to stay with their abusers and believe that it won't happen again without taking action to protect themselves from harm. In asking for forgiveness, an abuser can be using the victim's trust and hope that the future will be better, in order to manipulate her.
True forgiveness is very different. It is a process, not a one-off event, and it can take some time. I am not talking about forgiving a small thing that can easily be resolved. I am talking about the big, horrible, difficult things that can tear people apart and can fester inside someone and make them bitter and angry long after the events that caused them have passed out of most people's memories. The abuse I suffered was one such thing. I was determined never to let my ex off the hook. Even though he was serving a custodial sentence and would never be allowed to contact me again, I was determined that I would never forget what he did. In fact, remembering what he did was the easy part - I had plenty of physical and mental reminders for that. The hard part was moving forward and letting that part of my life go.
In the end, I had to make a choice: to let my life be dominated by a particularly unpleasant part of my past, or to let go and allow it to become a distant memory. I wanted to let go of the hurt, but didn't know how, until I was challenged to forgive my abuser - something which I resisted for a long time. Why should I forgive someone who not only isn't sorry, but has actually blamed me for his actions? But I found that without at least trying to forgive him, I was never going to be able to let go. It would always be there at the back of my mind.
As a Christian, I also had the added concern that Jesus taught us in the Lord's prayer 'forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us'. So that made me wonder if I could be a Christian and not forgive him. I had to make a choice. But if I forgave him, it meant that I had to allow that he could ask for and receive God's forgiveness - something which I was not happy about, and still struggle with.
But forgiveness not only helps us to grow closer to God, it also benefits the forgiver. If you forgive someone it means that you no longer have to be angry at them. You no longer have to view them as objects of contempt. Although I will never have contact with my ex, and so he will never know, I actually feel more pity for him than anything. Now I am in a happy and secure relationship, I pity the man who thought he had to use force and seize affection in order to feel cared for, and had to intimidate in order to make himself have self-worth. It is pitiable that a man had to imprison his girlfriend in her own home in order to know that he had a partner who wasn't going to leave him. I still feel anger, of course - I would not be human if I didn't - but I no longer feel I have to do anything about it. If he turns to God, he will find that his conscience does the work of showing him he was wrong. And if he doesn't, then I believe he will be judged by God at the end of time. Either way, it is between him and God, and I no longer need to be a part of that. That is what forgiveness has given me - freedom.
It has also enabled me to leave most of the past behind me and not allow the abuse I suffered to define the relationship I have with my husband and daughter. They do not need to be concerned with the events of a past that they had no part in, although I have been getting involved with a few things including a charity called Restored (www.restoredrelationships.org if you are interested) in order to raise awareness of domestic abuse, so my past does occasionally get talked about. But now that I have a better life, I am always able to put it in the context of something which happened once and will never happen again.
I know it sounds impossible, but if you are in a similar position, it is well worth trying to let go of that anger and forgive the person who has wronged you. I found that by prayer and by talking to people who I trusted, I was able to let go of so much. And if I am having a bad day and feel angry and upset again, which happens from time to time, I remind myself that forgiveness is a process, and find someone to talk it over with. It helped me, I hope it helps you too.
Looking back can have two opposite effects. It can remind you how far you have come, how much you have achieved and how much better your life is now than it was. This is the positive way of looking at it. But it can also have a negative effect. It can remind you how bad things were, and how much your life changed since the events that shaped you. It can sometimes remind you of what you have lost or the things you have had to let go of. In looking back too often, you can remain chained to old ways of thinking or tied to anger about the past that may no longer have relevance in your life now. I have periodically swung between these two ways of looking back, and it has been hard to remain on the positive side.
But I have found one way which has helped me to move on a bit, and which I trust to continue to help me in the future. This is something which I always found impossible to believe in until I was in that position myself: Forgiveness.
I always viewed with extreme scepticism any media reports that said things like 'this family lost a child due to bombings by the IRA, but they have forgiven their child's murderer'. I always thought: 'How can anyone forgive like that? And how could they decide so quickly to forgive? Do they really mean it, or is it just a way to get the media to cover their story?'. I found it impossible to accept that it should be necessary to forgive someone in those circumstances, particularly if the perpetrator had not shown any remorse for their actions, or in some circumstances, if the perpetrator had died or killed themselves. But I had to re-evaluate this view when I found myself in a position where I was so, so very angry about being so badly treated and left with so many injuries, physical, mental and spiritual, but my abuser showed no remorse - even trying to blame me for his actions during a trial in which he was pleading guilty for what he was charged with (try to figure that one out, if you will!)
I came to realise that I had had a faulty view of forgiveness which was keeping me from letting go of the hurt, the pain and the anger which could never be fully resolved without some kind of action on my part. In my understanding, in order to forgive, I first had to receive an apology. I then had to let go of all of my feelings about the events and the person who wronged me, and simply forget the lot. In my view that was asking too much. I thought that that was what the bible taught as well, that the way that God deals with us is that we ask his forgiveness, he lets us off the hook and then forgets all about it. I thought that we are supposed to do the same, and not necessarily take any action to avoid that person being in our life. However, this can be a dangerous view of forgiveness. In abusive relationships, including the one I had, the abuser can demand forgiveness, expect the matter to never be raised again, and never be made to account for his actions, as well as ensuring that the victim is never able to justify leaving or avoiding a situation for her own safety due to the abuse that has taken place previously.
In fact, if we view forgiveness as the abuser does, or as I did, then it means that we end up believing in a God who would rather keep us enslaved in abuse and danger than safe and protected, something which I do not believe is true. God does not expect us to overlook sin as he does, without making sure that we are safe. In other words, he does not expect victims to stay with their abusers and believe that it won't happen again without taking action to protect themselves from harm. In asking for forgiveness, an abuser can be using the victim's trust and hope that the future will be better, in order to manipulate her.
True forgiveness is very different. It is a process, not a one-off event, and it can take some time. I am not talking about forgiving a small thing that can easily be resolved. I am talking about the big, horrible, difficult things that can tear people apart and can fester inside someone and make them bitter and angry long after the events that caused them have passed out of most people's memories. The abuse I suffered was one such thing. I was determined never to let my ex off the hook. Even though he was serving a custodial sentence and would never be allowed to contact me again, I was determined that I would never forget what he did. In fact, remembering what he did was the easy part - I had plenty of physical and mental reminders for that. The hard part was moving forward and letting that part of my life go.
In the end, I had to make a choice: to let my life be dominated by a particularly unpleasant part of my past, or to let go and allow it to become a distant memory. I wanted to let go of the hurt, but didn't know how, until I was challenged to forgive my abuser - something which I resisted for a long time. Why should I forgive someone who not only isn't sorry, but has actually blamed me for his actions? But I found that without at least trying to forgive him, I was never going to be able to let go. It would always be there at the back of my mind.
As a Christian, I also had the added concern that Jesus taught us in the Lord's prayer 'forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us'. So that made me wonder if I could be a Christian and not forgive him. I had to make a choice. But if I forgave him, it meant that I had to allow that he could ask for and receive God's forgiveness - something which I was not happy about, and still struggle with.
But forgiveness not only helps us to grow closer to God, it also benefits the forgiver. If you forgive someone it means that you no longer have to be angry at them. You no longer have to view them as objects of contempt. Although I will never have contact with my ex, and so he will never know, I actually feel more pity for him than anything. Now I am in a happy and secure relationship, I pity the man who thought he had to use force and seize affection in order to feel cared for, and had to intimidate in order to make himself have self-worth. It is pitiable that a man had to imprison his girlfriend in her own home in order to know that he had a partner who wasn't going to leave him. I still feel anger, of course - I would not be human if I didn't - but I no longer feel I have to do anything about it. If he turns to God, he will find that his conscience does the work of showing him he was wrong. And if he doesn't, then I believe he will be judged by God at the end of time. Either way, it is between him and God, and I no longer need to be a part of that. That is what forgiveness has given me - freedom.
It has also enabled me to leave most of the past behind me and not allow the abuse I suffered to define the relationship I have with my husband and daughter. They do not need to be concerned with the events of a past that they had no part in, although I have been getting involved with a few things including a charity called Restored (www.restoredrelationships.org if you are interested) in order to raise awareness of domestic abuse, so my past does occasionally get talked about. But now that I have a better life, I am always able to put it in the context of something which happened once and will never happen again.
I know it sounds impossible, but if you are in a similar position, it is well worth trying to let go of that anger and forgive the person who has wronged you. I found that by prayer and by talking to people who I trusted, I was able to let go of so much. And if I am having a bad day and feel angry and upset again, which happens from time to time, I remind myself that forgiveness is a process, and find someone to talk it over with. It helped me, I hope it helps you too.
Monday, 4 January 2016
New beginnings
As we start a new year, it is inevitable that I have started to turn my thoughts towards new beginnings and leaving behind old things. This has been reflected in my life so many times and in so many ways, and in my walk with God too.
The coming of a new start gives us hope of a change, of life turning for the better, We can begin afresh, knowing that it is possible to define a new direction and head towards a different goal. For many people this will involved the making of new year's resolutions, or for others, a new home or new job, or new baby. In my case, I have had a number of new beginnings, to name but a few: leaving my ex, studying for a new qualification, reaffirming my baptismal vows, meeting my husband, having our daughter. Each of these has brought new challenges as well as a change of direction.
Leaving my ex was something that at the time didn't feel very positive or something to be celebrated, except to know that I was safe and well after so long of that not being the case. But it had so many positive effects in the longer term that looking back at it now feels very different. I was free once more to make my own decisions, to choose my own clothes, to spend my own money and find out what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to reconnect with my family, to make good some of the divisions that my relationship with him had created, and to rediscover friendships that I had been forced to toss aside. I realised that I had some awesome friends and hadn't even been aware of it. These friends were so caring that when I told them what had happened, they rallied round to help. They helped my mum to clear out the house and garden that I had been sharing with my ex so that it could be returned to the landlord in as good a state as possible (in spite of the damage that had been caused while we were living there). Some of these friends put me and my mum up when we came up to see my ex sentenced, even though it had to be short notice as the courts didn't give us much warning of the date (as I wasn't needed for the trial, so in the court's view, I didn't need to be there). My friends even came with me and mum to the sentencing hearing to support us as we looked him in the eyes for the first time since I left him, and we saw him put in prison. Seeing him sentenced enabled me to close the chapter and begin to recover my life and figure out who I was and what I wanted. My relationships with my friends and family following such a long period of being deprived of both were the most positive thing I could ever have wished for to have come out of such a horrible experience. I haven't told them often enough how much this meant, but if any of them are reading this, THANK YOU.
The most significant thing in my spiritual life in recent years was the reaffirming of my baptismal vows a few years back. I actually wanted to be baptised by full immersion as a public statement that I had rediscovered my faith and wanted to make a new start with God, but as my now husband and I were attending an Anglican church at the time, I was told that I could not be baptised as I had been christened as a baby and then confirmed as a teenager. But I was allowed to 'reaffirm' my baptismal vows and have full immersion as part of that, so as far as I understand, it was pretty much the same thing in the end!
Baptism is a very potent symbol in the Bible. Much like marriage does not define the start of the relationship between a couple but is a public declaration of a relationship already existing, so baptism is a public declaration of a relationship between a person and God. It is a way of saying 'This is how I want to live my life from now on'. Although some churches baptise with a small amount of water on the top of the head, many churches baptise people by being lowering them backwards into water and bringing them up again (full immersion). The lowering of the person into the water until they are fully immersed symbolises death - death of the old self. Then the bringing them back up again symbolises the resurrection and a new start - new life with Christ. Christians also believe that the Holy Spirit, part of God Himself, comes to live within us when we start a new relationship with him. But as I said above in my comparisons between marriage and baptism, this is not necessarily something that happens at baptism, but which happens earlier when we decide that we want to have a relationship with God.
It is for this reason that my husband and I decided not to have our daughter baptised as a baby, but to bring her up with a knowledge of God and the opportunity to decide for herself when she is older. Of course, we hope that she will start on her own journey of faith and make a commitment, but this has to be her own decision, and in the meantime we will continue to encourage her and pray for her. She already enjoys reading her bible story board books, and we often pray together as a family, so she knows about God and probably does have some form of faith of her own. In fact, because we often pray for one another when someone has hurt themselves or is feeling unwell, she has got in the habit of coming up to me in particular and praying for my back if she thinks I look like I need it! She also often asks to say Grace at mealtimes, something we will need to explain to others if she goes to nursery at some point in the near future. It is lovely to see her simple faith and it reminds me to be more trusting in my own faith and not to overthink myself into a corner. I am sure once she reaches the phase about asking 'why?' continuously, I will see another aspect of her faith developing!
In both our walk with God following baptism, and in my newly-rediscovered life after living under the shadow of my ex for so long, it is easy to find yourself going back into old thought patterns, old modes of behaviour, and forgetting that change happened. In my case following the abuse, it was a lack of confidence in my own abilities (which I still suffer from periodically!), a lack of connection with others from assuming the worst of how they viewed me, and general anxiety about my life and how things would go. I still have these thought patterns and I still battle to overcome them and replace them with the knowledge that I am free. I can do more than I give myself credit for and am capable of learning new things on top of that. I don't have the ability to read minds and am often surprised at how nice people can be (especially when my daughter has been having a tantrum on a long bus journey like we had the other week! I thought the lady getting off behind me would tell me what a terrible job I had done of making my child behave, but all the lady said was 'the poor lamb', as my daughter was clearly tired and hungry). And my anxiety often prompts me to plan for every eventuality, which can have a very positive outcome (like the enormous and very tasty Christmas dinner we enjoyed not long ago!). I have had to learn to be more open to good things happening, and overall it has helped. But the difference between my experiences of overcoming old thought processes etc post-abuse, and overcoming old patterns of behaviour once we have made a commitment to God, is that God can actually change us from the inside. He can help us to overcome the past and change direction, and he can heal wounds and make us whole again. Although we can make efforts in this direction on our own strength, we are not able to change our hearts like God can. And the good news is, no matter how many times we slip into old habits, he will bring us back and help us if we ask him.
So, looking towards the future, there is likely to be much that will excite, much that will disappoint and much that will cause upset or worry in the coming year. But I am trying hard not to allow myself to be so clouded by worrying about the things that may or may not happen that I forget to enjoy the present and the things which I can see. There is always much to enjoy if you look in the right places, even in the darkest of times, and it is worth remembering the verses from John's Gospel: 'In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.' (John 1:4-5). Jesus is stronger than anything we could face, and even beat death, so we have nothing to fear if we trust in him.
Happy new year.
The coming of a new start gives us hope of a change, of life turning for the better, We can begin afresh, knowing that it is possible to define a new direction and head towards a different goal. For many people this will involved the making of new year's resolutions, or for others, a new home or new job, or new baby. In my case, I have had a number of new beginnings, to name but a few: leaving my ex, studying for a new qualification, reaffirming my baptismal vows, meeting my husband, having our daughter. Each of these has brought new challenges as well as a change of direction.
Leaving my ex was something that at the time didn't feel very positive or something to be celebrated, except to know that I was safe and well after so long of that not being the case. But it had so many positive effects in the longer term that looking back at it now feels very different. I was free once more to make my own decisions, to choose my own clothes, to spend my own money and find out what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to reconnect with my family, to make good some of the divisions that my relationship with him had created, and to rediscover friendships that I had been forced to toss aside. I realised that I had some awesome friends and hadn't even been aware of it. These friends were so caring that when I told them what had happened, they rallied round to help. They helped my mum to clear out the house and garden that I had been sharing with my ex so that it could be returned to the landlord in as good a state as possible (in spite of the damage that had been caused while we were living there). Some of these friends put me and my mum up when we came up to see my ex sentenced, even though it had to be short notice as the courts didn't give us much warning of the date (as I wasn't needed for the trial, so in the court's view, I didn't need to be there). My friends even came with me and mum to the sentencing hearing to support us as we looked him in the eyes for the first time since I left him, and we saw him put in prison. Seeing him sentenced enabled me to close the chapter and begin to recover my life and figure out who I was and what I wanted. My relationships with my friends and family following such a long period of being deprived of both were the most positive thing I could ever have wished for to have come out of such a horrible experience. I haven't told them often enough how much this meant, but if any of them are reading this, THANK YOU.
The most significant thing in my spiritual life in recent years was the reaffirming of my baptismal vows a few years back. I actually wanted to be baptised by full immersion as a public statement that I had rediscovered my faith and wanted to make a new start with God, but as my now husband and I were attending an Anglican church at the time, I was told that I could not be baptised as I had been christened as a baby and then confirmed as a teenager. But I was allowed to 'reaffirm' my baptismal vows and have full immersion as part of that, so as far as I understand, it was pretty much the same thing in the end!
Baptism is a very potent symbol in the Bible. Much like marriage does not define the start of the relationship between a couple but is a public declaration of a relationship already existing, so baptism is a public declaration of a relationship between a person and God. It is a way of saying 'This is how I want to live my life from now on'. Although some churches baptise with a small amount of water on the top of the head, many churches baptise people by being lowering them backwards into water and bringing them up again (full immersion). The lowering of the person into the water until they are fully immersed symbolises death - death of the old self. Then the bringing them back up again symbolises the resurrection and a new start - new life with Christ. Christians also believe that the Holy Spirit, part of God Himself, comes to live within us when we start a new relationship with him. But as I said above in my comparisons between marriage and baptism, this is not necessarily something that happens at baptism, but which happens earlier when we decide that we want to have a relationship with God.
It is for this reason that my husband and I decided not to have our daughter baptised as a baby, but to bring her up with a knowledge of God and the opportunity to decide for herself when she is older. Of course, we hope that she will start on her own journey of faith and make a commitment, but this has to be her own decision, and in the meantime we will continue to encourage her and pray for her. She already enjoys reading her bible story board books, and we often pray together as a family, so she knows about God and probably does have some form of faith of her own. In fact, because we often pray for one another when someone has hurt themselves or is feeling unwell, she has got in the habit of coming up to me in particular and praying for my back if she thinks I look like I need it! She also often asks to say Grace at mealtimes, something we will need to explain to others if she goes to nursery at some point in the near future. It is lovely to see her simple faith and it reminds me to be more trusting in my own faith and not to overthink myself into a corner. I am sure once she reaches the phase about asking 'why?' continuously, I will see another aspect of her faith developing!
In both our walk with God following baptism, and in my newly-rediscovered life after living under the shadow of my ex for so long, it is easy to find yourself going back into old thought patterns, old modes of behaviour, and forgetting that change happened. In my case following the abuse, it was a lack of confidence in my own abilities (which I still suffer from periodically!), a lack of connection with others from assuming the worst of how they viewed me, and general anxiety about my life and how things would go. I still have these thought patterns and I still battle to overcome them and replace them with the knowledge that I am free. I can do more than I give myself credit for and am capable of learning new things on top of that. I don't have the ability to read minds and am often surprised at how nice people can be (especially when my daughter has been having a tantrum on a long bus journey like we had the other week! I thought the lady getting off behind me would tell me what a terrible job I had done of making my child behave, but all the lady said was 'the poor lamb', as my daughter was clearly tired and hungry). And my anxiety often prompts me to plan for every eventuality, which can have a very positive outcome (like the enormous and very tasty Christmas dinner we enjoyed not long ago!). I have had to learn to be more open to good things happening, and overall it has helped. But the difference between my experiences of overcoming old thought processes etc post-abuse, and overcoming old patterns of behaviour once we have made a commitment to God, is that God can actually change us from the inside. He can help us to overcome the past and change direction, and he can heal wounds and make us whole again. Although we can make efforts in this direction on our own strength, we are not able to change our hearts like God can. And the good news is, no matter how many times we slip into old habits, he will bring us back and help us if we ask him.
So, looking towards the future, there is likely to be much that will excite, much that will disappoint and much that will cause upset or worry in the coming year. But I am trying hard not to allow myself to be so clouded by worrying about the things that may or may not happen that I forget to enjoy the present and the things which I can see. There is always much to enjoy if you look in the right places, even in the darkest of times, and it is worth remembering the verses from John's Gospel: 'In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.' (John 1:4-5). Jesus is stronger than anything we could face, and even beat death, so we have nothing to fear if we trust in him.
Happy new year.
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