New beginnings

As we start a new year, it is inevitable that I have started to turn my thoughts towards new beginnings and leaving behind old things. This has been reflected in my life so many times and in so many ways, and in my walk with God too.

The coming of a new start gives us hope of a change, of life turning for the better, We can begin afresh, knowing that it is possible to define a new direction and head towards a different goal. For many people this will involved the making of new year's resolutions, or for others, a new home or new job, or new baby. In my case, I have had a number of new beginnings, to name but a few:  leaving my ex, studying for a new qualification, reaffirming my baptismal vows, meeting my husband, having our daughter. Each of these has brought new challenges as well as a change of direction.

Leaving my ex was something that at the time didn't feel very positive or something to be celebrated, except to know that I was safe and well after so long of that not being the case. But it had so many positive effects in the longer term that looking back at it now feels very different. I was free once more to make my own decisions, to choose my own clothes, to spend my own money and find out what I wanted to do with my life. I was able to reconnect with my family, to make good some of the divisions that my relationship with him had created, and to rediscover friendships that I had been forced to toss aside. I realised that I had some awesome friends and hadn't even been aware of it. These friends were so caring that when I told them what had happened, they rallied round to help. They helped my mum to clear out the house and garden that I had been sharing with my ex so that it could be returned to the landlord in as good a state as possible (in spite of the damage that had been caused while we were living there). Some of these friends put me and my mum up when we came up to see my ex sentenced, even though it had to be short notice as the courts didn't give us much warning of the date (as I wasn't needed for the trial, so in the court's view, I didn't need to be there). My friends even came with me and mum to the sentencing hearing to support us as we looked him in the eyes for the first time since I left him, and we saw him put in prison. Seeing him sentenced enabled me to close the chapter and begin to recover my life and figure out who I was and what I wanted. My relationships with my friends and family following such a long period of being deprived of both were the most positive thing I could ever have wished for to have come out of such a horrible experience. I haven't told them often enough how much this meant, but if any of them are reading this, THANK YOU.

The most significant thing in my spiritual life in recent years was the reaffirming of my baptismal vows a few years back. I actually wanted to be baptised by full immersion as a public statement that I had rediscovered my faith and wanted to make a new start with God, but as my now husband and I were attending an Anglican church at the time, I was told that I could not be baptised as I had been christened as a baby and then confirmed as a teenager. But I was allowed to 'reaffirm' my baptismal vows and have full immersion as part of that, so as far as I understand, it was pretty much the same thing in the end!

Baptism is a very potent symbol in the Bible. Much like marriage does not define the start of the relationship between a couple but is a public declaration of a relationship already existing, so baptism is a public declaration of a relationship between a person and God. It is a way of saying 'This is how I want to live my life from now on'. Although some churches baptise with a small amount of water on the top of the head, many churches baptise people by being lowering them backwards into water and bringing them up again (full immersion). The lowering of the person into the water until they are fully immersed symbolises death - death of the old self. Then the bringing them back up again symbolises the resurrection and a new start - new life with Christ. Christians also believe that the Holy Spirit, part of God Himself, comes to live within us when we start a new relationship with him. But as I said above in my comparisons between marriage and baptism, this is not necessarily something that happens at baptism, but which happens earlier when we decide that we want to have a relationship with God.

It is for this reason that my husband and I decided not to have our daughter baptised as a baby, but to bring her up with a knowledge of God and the opportunity to decide for herself when she is older. Of course, we hope that she will start on her own journey of faith and make a commitment, but this has to be her own decision, and in the meantime we will continue to encourage her and pray for her. She already enjoys reading her bible story board books, and we often pray together as a family, so she knows about God and probably does have some form of faith of her own. In fact, because we often pray for one another when someone has hurt themselves or is feeling unwell, she has got in the habit of coming up to me in particular and praying for my back if she thinks I look like I need it! She also often asks to say Grace at mealtimes, something we will need to explain to others if she goes to nursery at some point in the near future. It is lovely to see her simple faith and it reminds me to be more trusting in my own faith and not to overthink myself into a corner. I am sure once she reaches the phase about asking 'why?' continuously, I will see another aspect of her faith developing!

In both our walk with God following baptism, and in my newly-rediscovered life after living under the shadow of my ex for so long, it is easy to find yourself going back into old thought patterns, old modes of behaviour, and forgetting that change happened. In my case following the abuse, it was a lack of confidence in my own abilities (which I still suffer from periodically!), a lack of connection with others from assuming the worst of how they viewed me, and general anxiety about my life and how things would go. I still have these thought patterns and I still battle to overcome them and replace them with the knowledge that I am free. I can do more than I give myself credit for and am capable of learning new things on top of that. I don't have the ability to read minds and am often surprised at how nice people can be (especially when my daughter has been having a tantrum on a long bus journey like we had the other week! I thought the lady getting off behind me would tell me what a terrible job I had done of making my child behave, but all the lady said was 'the poor lamb', as my daughter was clearly tired and hungry). And my anxiety often prompts me to plan for every eventuality, which can have a very positive outcome (like the enormous and very tasty Christmas dinner we enjoyed not long ago!). I have had to learn to be more open to good things happening, and overall it has helped. But the difference between my experiences of overcoming old thought processes etc post-abuse, and overcoming old patterns of behaviour once we have made a commitment to God, is that God can actually change us from the inside. He can help us to overcome the past and change direction, and he can heal wounds and make us whole again. Although we can make efforts in this direction on our own strength, we are not able to change our hearts like God can. And the good news is, no matter how many times we slip into old habits, he will bring us back and help us if we ask him.

So, looking towards the future, there is likely to be much that will excite, much that will disappoint and much that will cause upset or worry in the coming year. But I am trying hard not to allow myself to be so clouded by worrying about the things that may or may not happen that I forget to enjoy the present and the things which I can see. There is always much to enjoy if you look in the right places, even in the darkest of times, and it is worth remembering the verses from John's Gospel: 'In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.' (John 1:4-5). Jesus is stronger than anything we could face, and even beat death, so we have nothing to fear if we trust in him.

Happy new year.