Moving forward after a significant negative event in your past is very difficult, especially when you feel it has had a strong effect in shaping the life in which you are now living. This is something which has challenged and still continues to challenge me to this day.
Looking back can have two opposite effects. It can remind you how far you have come, how much you have achieved and how much better your life is now than it was. This is the positive way of looking at it. But it can also have a negative effect. It can remind you how bad things were, and how much your life changed since the events that shaped you. It can sometimes remind you of what you have lost or the things you have had to let go of. In looking back too often, you can remain chained to old ways of thinking or tied to anger about the past that may no longer have relevance in your life now. I have periodically swung between these two ways of looking back, and it has been hard to remain on the positive side.
But I have found one way which has helped me to move on a bit, and which I trust to continue to help me in the future. This is something which I always found impossible to believe in until I was in that position myself: Forgiveness.
I always viewed with extreme scepticism any media reports that said things like 'this family lost a child due to bombings by the IRA, but they have forgiven their child's murderer'. I always thought: 'How can anyone forgive like that? And how could they decide so quickly to forgive? Do they really mean it, or is it just a way to get the media to cover their story?'. I found it impossible to accept that it should be necessary to forgive someone in those circumstances, particularly if the perpetrator had not shown any remorse for their actions, or in some circumstances, if the perpetrator had died or killed themselves. But I had to re-evaluate this view when I found myself in a position where I was so, so very angry about being so badly treated and left with so many injuries, physical, mental and spiritual, but my abuser showed no remorse - even trying to blame me for his actions during a trial in which he was pleading guilty for what he was charged with (try to figure that one out, if you will!)
I came to realise that I had had a faulty view of forgiveness which was keeping me from letting go of the hurt, the pain and the anger which could never be fully resolved without some kind of action on my part. In my understanding, in order to forgive, I first had to receive an apology. I then had to let go of all of my feelings about the events and the person who wronged me, and simply forget the lot. In my view that was asking too much. I thought that that was what the bible taught as well, that the way that God deals with us is that we ask his forgiveness, he lets us off the hook and then forgets all about it. I thought that we are supposed to do the same, and not necessarily take any action to avoid that person being in our life. However, this can be a dangerous view of forgiveness. In abusive relationships, including the one I had, the abuser can demand forgiveness, expect the matter to never be raised again, and never be made to account for his actions, as well as ensuring that the victim is never able to justify leaving or avoiding a situation for her own safety due to the abuse that has taken place previously.
In fact, if we view forgiveness as the abuser does, or as I did, then it means that we end up believing in a God who would rather keep us enslaved in abuse and danger than safe and protected, something which I do not believe is true. God does not expect us to overlook sin as he does, without making sure that we are safe. In other words, he does not expect victims to stay with their abusers and believe that it won't happen again without taking action to protect themselves from harm. In asking for forgiveness, an abuser can be using the victim's trust and hope that the future will be better, in order to manipulate her.
True forgiveness is very different. It is a process, not a one-off event, and it can take some time. I am not talking about forgiving a small thing that can easily be resolved. I am talking about the big, horrible, difficult things that can tear people apart and can fester inside someone and make them bitter and angry long after the events that caused them have passed out of most people's memories. The abuse I suffered was one such thing. I was determined never to let my ex off the hook. Even though he was serving a custodial sentence and would never be allowed to contact me again, I was determined that I would never forget what he did. In fact, remembering what he did was the easy part - I had plenty of physical and mental reminders for that. The hard part was moving forward and letting that part of my life go.
In the end, I had to make a choice: to let my life be dominated by a particularly unpleasant part of my past, or to let go and allow it to become a distant memory. I wanted to let go of the hurt, but didn't know how, until I was challenged to forgive my abuser - something which I resisted for a long time. Why should I forgive someone who not only isn't sorry, but has actually blamed me for his actions? But I found that without at least trying to forgive him, I was never going to be able to let go. It would always be there at the back of my mind.
As a Christian, I also had the added concern that Jesus taught us in the Lord's prayer 'forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us'. So that made me wonder if I could be a Christian and not forgive him. I had to make a choice. But if I forgave him, it meant that I had to allow that he could ask for and receive God's forgiveness - something which I was not happy about, and still struggle with.
But forgiveness not only helps us to grow closer to God, it also benefits the forgiver. If you forgive someone it means that you no longer have to be angry at them. You no longer have to view them as objects of contempt. Although I will never have contact with my ex, and so he will never know, I actually feel more pity for him than anything. Now I am in a happy and secure relationship, I pity the man who thought he had to use force and seize affection in order to feel cared for, and had to intimidate in order to make himself have self-worth. It is pitiable that a man had to imprison his girlfriend in her own home in order to know that he had a partner who wasn't going to leave him. I still feel anger, of course - I would not be human if I didn't - but I no longer feel I have to do anything about it. If he turns to God, he will find that his conscience does the work of showing him he was wrong. And if he doesn't, then I believe he will be judged by God at the end of time. Either way, it is between him and God, and I no longer need to be a part of that. That is what forgiveness has given me - freedom.
It has also enabled me to leave most of the past behind me and not allow the abuse I suffered to define the relationship I have with my husband and daughter. They do not need to be concerned with the events of a past that they had no part in, although I have been getting involved with a few things including a charity called Restored (www.restoredrelationships.org if you are interested) in order to raise awareness of domestic abuse, so my past does occasionally get talked about. But now that I have a better life, I am always able to put it in the context of something which happened once and will never happen again.
I know it sounds impossible, but if you are in a similar position, it is well worth trying to let go of that anger and forgive the person who has wronged you. I found that by prayer and by talking to people who I trusted, I was able to let go of so much. And if I am having a bad day and feel angry and upset again, which happens from time to time, I remind myself that forgiveness is a process, and find someone to talk it over with. It helped me, I hope it helps you too.
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