Valentine's Day - a few thoughts

I have had variety of different views on Valentine's Day over the years, depending on my circumstances at the time.

When I was single, but didn't want to be, it just seemed like an event created by the greetings card industry, to make couples feel smug, and lonely singletons to feel there was something wrong with them and be reminded that they didn't have anyone to share it with. I remember one particular year when I felt so rubbish about it that I spent it with one of my single female friends eating takeaway pizza and watching 'Die Hard'! It was a surprisingly good evening!

When I was in a relationship (before I met my abuser), it was a chance to feel reassured that the relationship was continuing well and that we could have a nice date and enjoy feeling special.

When I was with my abuser, it was a way for him to remind me that I wasn't perfect. I was under pressure to make it a special occasion, whilst at the same time spending as little as possible (so that he didn't get upset about spending money). I don't remember many years when he made a fuss of me for Valentine's Day, as far as I can remember it was only me making the effort.

Since getting married, it has had less significance as me and my husband have been trying to have more 'dates' anyway. We don't need to reassure one another through the exchange of cards and possibly gifts that we love each other - our wedding day did that very nicely. But it was a lot easier before our daughter was born. We used to go out for meals on quite a regular basis, as we used to live near lots of lovely restaurants.

Since our daughter was born, we have had to make a much bigger effort to spend time together on our own. We haven't been out for many meals without her, and we won't be going out for Valentine's Day this year. But I think it is nice to be reminded to make an extra effort, even though it feels as if the entire day has been invented to make us buy more chocolates and flowers! It is rather like Mother's Day and Father's Day - even though these days are more or less commercial inventions, it is nice to tell our mothers and fathers how much we appreciate them, and to be on the receiving end of that appreciation too.

But I do find the commercialism a bit ridiculous. Yesterday I had an email from a well-known warehouse type store (beginning with A) telling me that I should buy things from their sale for Valentine's Day because 'I deserved it' apparently. How buying cut-price furniture and children's toys could be something I deserved, let alone in that context, is something I am still having trouble getting my head around!

So there you have it. I have gone from thinking the day was the worst one of the year, to thinking it's nice, to thinking it's highlighting my imperfections, to thinking it's a nice reminder to make an extra effort (as long as you ignore the commercialism). But love should be all year around, and so should appreciating one another, whether in a relationship or not.

What I have learned about putting others first without neglecting myself

At the moment my church is doing a series on 'Soul Care', based on the book by John Ortberg. It's really got me thinking and realising that I have not always been very good at looking after myself and giving myself space to be 'me', not just a wife and mother.

It's so easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day activities that need to be done, to put off time alone or time with my husband or friends until an indefinite day that never materialises. It's automatic to deal with what's in front of you first. But I need to learn sometimes to prioritise that time over the other things. I do appreciate what I have now, in spite of the difficulties I sometimes face in trying to deal with the demands of a two-year-old and all that brings.

I remember a time when life was never about me, when I spent much of my time trying to make someone else happy (who could never be satisfied), and trying to suppress all my own wishes or desires if they did not agree or fit in with what was being focussed on. I remember the few small victories I had such as insisting that we have a holiday somewhere nice, paying for it from my own savings and then finding that the trip itself was ruined by the attitudes and sometimes unpredictable angry behaviour of my travelling companion. I also remember when I was hurting, whether emotionally (such as being bereaved twice during that relationship) or physically (when I was told it didn't hurt), and being told that my focus should still not be on myself and my own difficulties, but on the person who was offering me no support at all. In the end I stopped thinking about myself and my own needs as it was easier to get from day to day if I didn't.

My soul suffered a great deal at that time, from being neglected. I forgot who I was and what mattered to me. I forgot that God was with me and loved me. I was angry, and hurt, and alone, even afterwards when I left the abusive relationship and was restored to my loving family . Gradually the lights began to come on again. I started listening to music again, and gradually it began to help me come back to my old self. But making music, that was another matter. I had some injuries to my wrists that made it hard to play the piano or the violin for some time, which was upsetting for me. In fact, there was some concern at first that I may not be able to play again, although fortunately it gradually improved. But singing, that was different. Before the abuse I used to love to sing. It was a talent that I loved to have, and I was much more confident when I sang than at any other time. I found that my soul was lifted by singing, and I enjoyed singing in choirs and all sorts of other music too. But after the abuse, I could not sing. I was too unhappy and it was too emotional for me to try. I didn't want my voice to be heard and I was unable to sing without crying. Gradually I became able to sing again, but it took me years, and I still do not enjoy it as much as I used to. I sometimes hear choral music and it brings a lump to my throat and an aching feeling that I am missing something that used to be a deep part of me, but I am not sure how to make this feeling better.

But looking after my soul now is easier than it was. While my daughter is still young enough to take naps most days, I have been trying to take time to do things I enjoy. I have a loving husband who prays with me and and consciously tries to work with me to build a strong relationship. He understands that I need time on my own or time with friends. He does not make unreasonable demands to be the centre of attention and he understands when I am feeling bad. I feel I can talk to him and he will listen. If our daughter is being demanding, he will take her for a little walk or play with her to give me some space. I am free to figure out what I need to make my soul feel better. That isn't to say that I am not still having days when I struggle or feel like it's all a bit overwhelming. I think that's just par for the course when you have a young child, especially if you stay at home with them full time.

But compared with my old life, this one is much easier. Plus, I know that I have the love of my husband, my daughter, my friends and family, and above all, my God.