What I have learned about putting others first without neglecting myself

At the moment my church is doing a series on 'Soul Care', based on the book by John Ortberg. It's really got me thinking and realising that I have not always been very good at looking after myself and giving myself space to be 'me', not just a wife and mother.

It's so easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day activities that need to be done, to put off time alone or time with my husband or friends until an indefinite day that never materialises. It's automatic to deal with what's in front of you first. But I need to learn sometimes to prioritise that time over the other things. I do appreciate what I have now, in spite of the difficulties I sometimes face in trying to deal with the demands of a two-year-old and all that brings.

I remember a time when life was never about me, when I spent much of my time trying to make someone else happy (who could never be satisfied), and trying to suppress all my own wishes or desires if they did not agree or fit in with what was being focussed on. I remember the few small victories I had such as insisting that we have a holiday somewhere nice, paying for it from my own savings and then finding that the trip itself was ruined by the attitudes and sometimes unpredictable angry behaviour of my travelling companion. I also remember when I was hurting, whether emotionally (such as being bereaved twice during that relationship) or physically (when I was told it didn't hurt), and being told that my focus should still not be on myself and my own difficulties, but on the person who was offering me no support at all. In the end I stopped thinking about myself and my own needs as it was easier to get from day to day if I didn't.

My soul suffered a great deal at that time, from being neglected. I forgot who I was and what mattered to me. I forgot that God was with me and loved me. I was angry, and hurt, and alone, even afterwards when I left the abusive relationship and was restored to my loving family . Gradually the lights began to come on again. I started listening to music again, and gradually it began to help me come back to my old self. But making music, that was another matter. I had some injuries to my wrists that made it hard to play the piano or the violin for some time, which was upsetting for me. In fact, there was some concern at first that I may not be able to play again, although fortunately it gradually improved. But singing, that was different. Before the abuse I used to love to sing. It was a talent that I loved to have, and I was much more confident when I sang than at any other time. I found that my soul was lifted by singing, and I enjoyed singing in choirs and all sorts of other music too. But after the abuse, I could not sing. I was too unhappy and it was too emotional for me to try. I didn't want my voice to be heard and I was unable to sing without crying. Gradually I became able to sing again, but it took me years, and I still do not enjoy it as much as I used to. I sometimes hear choral music and it brings a lump to my throat and an aching feeling that I am missing something that used to be a deep part of me, but I am not sure how to make this feeling better.

But looking after my soul now is easier than it was. While my daughter is still young enough to take naps most days, I have been trying to take time to do things I enjoy. I have a loving husband who prays with me and and consciously tries to work with me to build a strong relationship. He understands that I need time on my own or time with friends. He does not make unreasonable demands to be the centre of attention and he understands when I am feeling bad. I feel I can talk to him and he will listen. If our daughter is being demanding, he will take her for a little walk or play with her to give me some space. I am free to figure out what I need to make my soul feel better. That isn't to say that I am not still having days when I struggle or feel like it's all a bit overwhelming. I think that's just par for the course when you have a young child, especially if you stay at home with them full time.

But compared with my old life, this one is much easier. Plus, I know that I have the love of my husband, my daughter, my friends and family, and above all, my God.