It has sometimes felt like people are focussed so much on the victim of abuse and why she was in that situation, that they forget to ask the obvious question: Why did he behave like that? So here are a few questions I think should never be asked of a victim / survivor (including ones I have been asked myself):
1. Why didn't she just leave / why did she go back to him?
This implies several things. Firstly, that she had a choice in staying and secondly, that she was free to make a balanced and rational decision without being pressured. It assumes that she had not been groomed by her abuser over a long period of time, with the result that her life had become intertwined with his to the extent that she had actually begun to believe that an independent life without him would not be possible. Do not underestimate the effect that another person can have on someone's state of mind, with a daily drip feed of negative and emotional manipulation. She may not have realised for a long time that she was actually being abused - this is hard to believe but in fact it does happen. It happened to me, even though I had many physical injuries. She may have been deprived of sleep or food - both of which can impair decision making considerably, especially when paired with emotional abuse and manipulation.
2. Surely she comes from the wrong background / wrong age group / wrong income bracket to be a victim of domestic abuse?
This is perhaps the hardest one to explain to people, especially when you are trying to recover. In actual fact, abusers and victims can come from any socio-economic background, any age group, and any level of education. It happens in council houses and Millionaire's Row, and every type of housing in between. Where there are controlling and selfish men, there is likely to be abuse. In fact, the taboo surrounding speaking out about abuse has meant that a lot of women have simply put up with it instead of getting help and support, and the stereotype of women coming from poor backgrounds with little education has meant that women from more middle-class areas have felt very isolated and unsupported even when they have attempted to speak out.
3. But he's such a nice bloke, surely she's exaggerating?
Believe me, it takes so much courage to speak out about abuse, if someone you know has said they are being abused, the last thing they need is for you not to believe them. You may be the first person she has spoken to about it or she may be feeling unable to cope with being on her own after having split up from her abuser. Abusers take delight in pulling the wool over everyone's eyes by keeping up a front of charming behaviour in front of the outside world, while behaving like a demon at home. This is a way for them to isolate their victim and ensure that she will be unable to get help and thus escape his control.
4. Don't all couples go through a rough patch?
There is an enormous difference between a rough patch and abuse. In a non-abusive relationship, both partners are able to discuss their relationship with one another in a rational way without it becoming a dangerous situation for either of them. In an abusive relationship, there is no equality between the partners, and thus the relationship can become very dangerous for the victim if she dares question how things are going. Looking back, I thought we were going through a rough patch for much of the relationship, but I didn't realise it at the time. Abusive relationships can go through periods of less bad as well as severely bad, but over time they will generally escalate into worse behaviour by the abuser, whereas a non-abusive relationship should hopefully at some point become better again.
5. But he never hit her, so it can't be abuse, can it?
Violence is usually the final attempt by an abuser to control his victim once other tactics have failed. Abusers usually use a combination of other methods including emotional blackmail, guilt, threats of violence (without violence occurring), damaging the victim's belongings, and financial abuse. Once these begin to fail they start to use threats, and finally, actual violence to maintain control. Some women manage to get away before the violent phase begins, but that doesn't mean it wasn't abuse.
6. But they are both Christians, so it can't be abuse?
Why not? Christians are human too, we suffer from greed, selfishness and all the other negative aspects of human nature that everyone else does. The difference is that Christians are supposed to repent and try to change their behaviour once they realise that they are in the wrong. If an abuser believes himself to be a Christian (and makes everyone else believe he is) but his behaviour does not reflect this, then he is deceiving himself and therefore simply being a hypocrite. Moreover, in some cases the fact that the victim is a Christian simply gives the abuser another tool to use against her - Scripture, which can be manipulated and quoted out of context to make her comply with his wishes or believe that she has failed as a Christian as well as in every other aspect of her life. The damage this causes can take years to repair.
7. Why don't you take responsibility for the situation you found yourself in?
This was perhaps the most hurtful question I was asked just after leaving my ex. It implied that I was complicit in the behaviour of someone who had taken over my life and tried to take it away. It accused me of not seeing him as everyone else evidently had, and made it sound as if it was something I should have seen coming. In fact, this was asked in the context of how I should repent for turning my back on my faith, which meant I felt attacked on two fronts. In fact, I did (and still do) lay the responsibility for my abuser's behaviour at the feet of my abuser. To blame myself for how he behaved would be futile and untrue. And it feeds into question 1 above, I was not able to recognise the abuse as I was not thinking straight....
8. How can you still be a Christian after all that - surely it's God's fault?
It is because of God that we have free will, which the abuser chose to use in such a way as to abuse. But just because God doesn't prevent us getting hurt or manipulated by someone else does not mean that he does not care. And it doesn't mean that he is not with us in the worst of times as well as the best. I very nearly didn't remain a Christian after all I went through. I felt that God had abandoned me to be hurt in every way and that if he was just going to stand idly by while I suffered that I wanted nothing to do with him. But then I realised two things: One, if I let my faith die then my abuser had taken a vital part of who I was, and Two, if I was angry at God then that meant I still believed in him. I will write about this at some point but it would be much too long to share here!
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