As a Christian, I have always believed that God heals us if we ask him, and I even experienced physical healing as a child. But I have been finding it hard in recent years to reconcile this belief in healing with the knowledge that I have been noticeably different since the abuse. I have been left with the remnants of PTSD and suffer periodically from depression and anxiety issues, which can sometimes make it very difficult to lead a normal life. I went to a Christian healing centre where the team prayed for me and I did experience a degree of healing and release from some of the things which I was struggling with. but I have still not overcome the rest.
The Bible tells us that God is a God of healing. Much of Jesus' ministry was healing the sick, not just physically but spiritually too. The story which comes to my mind is that of the paralysed man whose friends lowered him through the roof of the house where Jesus was teaching, because there were too many people to get him through the door on his mat. The first thing Jesus did was to say to him 'Your sins are forgiven'. Not physical, but spiritual healing. And then he healed the physical paralysis and the man got up and walked. (This story is found in Matthew, Mark and Luke's gospels - see Luke 5:17-25). I believe that the Gospels are true accounts of healing, and I do believe that God heals today - as I said, I was healed as a child. But it is so easy to get bogged down in questions of why God heals some people and not others, or why he sometimes heals when we pray and not at other times. Questions about whether it is a matter of a lack of faith on the part of the person needing healing, or the person praying can get in the way. Sometimes I think God has a purpose in not healing; although he does not cause illnesses and pain, he can use them for his glory and to reach others. This does not mean that he wants us to suffer. During a prayer time in my housegroup in a previous church, one of my friends said that they felt that God was as upset over the abuse as I was, and that he was crying with me through it all and through the painful healing process. This gave me a lot of comfort.
We do need to show caution, however, in ascribing purpose to every painful experience, whether or not we encounter or ask for God's healing. Sometimes bad things just happen. They happen to everyone whether they are good or bad, Christian or non-Christian. What matters is that God is present in all our experiences, whether we sense him or not, and he helps transform the aftermath of these things so that they can become a force for good for others. Paul writes that God 'comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.' (2 Corinthians 1:4). I think of God as being the God of silver linings - he can bring good out of any bad situation, but he did not create the situation, he merely rescues it and turns it to good. However, this is often only visible in hindsight. In my case, I was certainly not aware of his presence during the abuse and was only partially aware of him afterwards, but the comfort I received from God has had a number of positive outcomes: I have felt able to allow my case to be used to train detectives in domestic abuse, and I have begun to lobby for changes to how victims of crime are treated in the parole system. I have also got halfway through writing a book to help others rediscover their faith. I have tried hard to use the worst experience of my life to reach others and help them, but it does not change the fact that notwithstanding my husband and daughter, I would be very happy for the events of a number of years to be erased from my life.
I am aware that I have needed to undergo a range of different types of healing for the different things that I suffered. I needed physical healing for the injuries. I needed healing from being bereaved twice during the last year and a half of the relationship when I was not allowed to grieve properly. I needed spiritual healing for the damage the abuse did to my relationship with God. And I needed emotional and mental healing for the emotional abuse and the PTSD. Looking back, I can see now that I have undergone most of the physical, bereavement and spiritual healing that I needed, and although I still have difficult periods, I have healed a great deal from the mental effects too. However, it is always easier to look at how far you still have to go rather than look at how far you have come.
There's a song by Josh Groban that I listened to a lot on my way home from my EMDR treatment, which sums up what I think God wanted to say to me. It's called Don't Give Up, and I like to listen to it when I am feeling a bit low. It reminds me that God is there in the hardest of times and he will bring me back and hear and heal me.
I do believe that someday I will be released from the rest of the problems which were a result of the abuse. I am not sure when that will be, and sometimes when I am feeling low it is easy to get despondent and forget that I have a great and powerful God. I forget that we need to keep asking him for our daily bread - in other words, what we need each day. But he never gives up on us. There's a brilliant song by Matt Redman that we used to sing at my previous church that sums this up so well - You Never Let Go. If we remember that he never lets go of us, then why should we fear?
So I will continue to pray for healing for myself and for those around me who need it, even when I am not able to see the immediate results, because God is strong and powerful and his timing is always perfect.
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