Becoming a mum put so much of my life in perspective, as did being in a happy marriage after being in such an abusive relationship. It helped me figure out my relationship with God in a totally new way, as well as allowing me to see that my abusive ex had, in fact, been behaving like a toddler in so many ways. So here are a few things I learned:
When we walk with our children anywhere that is likely to have danger, we hold their hand (and they sometimes hold ours back!) and guide them around obstacles and through paths where the toddler does not know the way. My daughter will often hold my hand tighter when she is unsure or frightened of something when we are out and about, and seek reassurance from me in order to feel safe and secure. This is what God wants us to be like with him, he will guide us through difficult, scary or dark places if we keep our hand in his, and he will help us know his reassuring presence even in the most frightening of times.
Toddlers often want to go their own way and show how much they think they can do, often before they are actually capable of managing to do things. They want to show how clever they are and we often praise them for showing a new skill they have learned. But sometimes we do not want them to show their independent spirit by wandering off and trying to go it alone - if they do, we search for them to try to find them and bring them back to safety as soon as we can before anything happens to them. Often when we do find them, if they have not noticed that they were lost but simply enjoying a taste of independence, they will throw a tantrum before agreeing to come back with us and go where we are taking them. This can be like the way that we behave with God when we decide that we want to go it alone without him. We abandon the way he has been guiding us and go it alone. Often we can get badly hurt before we realise what has happened. I am not saying that anyone who ends up in an abusive relationship (myself included) is responsible for being abused or that they had somehow decided to turn their back on God in favour of being with an abuser, but in other aspects of our lives this can be the case. We do not like being told that we are wrong, and so even for someone who has been a Christian for a number of years, there can be a cycle of drifting away from God to go their own way, and a realising and returning to him later. The parable of the Lost Sheep is like this - a man has 100 sheep, but one day he notices that one is missing. He searches all over until he finds it, and then brings it home to the rest of the flock and celebrates with his friends. (This is found in the bible in Luke chapter 15 verses 4-7).
Sometimes when we are in a safe environment, I will let my daughter let go of my hand and run on ahead of me. She thrills at the excitement of her small amount of independence and believes herself to be able to do anything. But even though I want her to learn some independence, I still keep her within my sight, and if she falls over I rush to pick her up again and comfort her. God can be like this too, not always making it clear which way we should turn but allowing us to choose for ourselves. But he never lets us out of his sight, even when we feel we have gone a long way from him.
Toddlers think they are the centre of the universe and that everything should revolve around them and their desires. My daughter will often tell me 'Mummy want to do xxx' because she simply cannot imagine that I would not want to do whatever it is that she wants to play. This is very much how we can be with God. It is in our human nature to be self-centred, self-absorbed and plain selfish, putting our own desires ahead of all else. We know what he expects of us but we can often decide to try our way first before listening to his. This is also how an abuser behaves, including my ex. The difference between this and a toddler's behaviour is that an adult will of course be aware of the needs and wishes of others, he will simply be choosing to ignore it in favour of his own. Everything in the relationship will be set up to centre around his desires and wishes first, and then the victim's second. That way, he can occasionally surprise her / catch her unawares by seeming to be really thoughtful by actually putting her first for a change, and appear to her to be loving and generous because she has become so used to coming second. This is not love, but manipulation.
Even toddlers are occasionally capable of showing affection, love, thoughtfulness and generosity of spirit as well as the self-centred behaviour that can result in tantrums and anger. They have a simplicity of understanding which can seem to us to be naïve or innocent but which can open our eyes to another perspective. My daughter regularly tells me when we pass dogs or cats on the street that they have come to say hello. She has no concept of them being aggressive (and long may this continue). Sometimes toddlers can surprise us with the amount of unselfconscious kindness that they can show. This is the behaviour that I believe Christ has called us to show to one another.
But it is in the shows of anger and tantrum behaviour that I have learned the most from my daughter. At the moment she is too young to use such displays to manipulate me into any change of heart, she simply expresses her feelings. However, as she gets older I am fully expecting her to try to manipulate me by behaving badly in public in a way which I am sure I will find challenging. This is very much how my ex would behave. If I was doing something in a way which he deemed wrong, he would show me. He would yell, throw things, or make threats. He would lash out not only at me but at my belongings. He would make sure that if I looked forward to anything, all the enjoyment was taken away by his behaviour. It was like having a thirty year old toddler, but one which could not be disciplined or reasoned with. However, it only happened when we were alone, never when we had people with us and especially not when his family were around. It always appeared to me to be anger, but then it happened in such controlled circumstances that it could not possibly be true emotion. This in contrast to my real toddler has made me realise what he was doing and how manipulative it was.
Being a parent to a toddler is challenging but also so rewarding. My daughter frequently comes out with things that make me and my husband laugh out loud or marvel at her view of the world. It is the sense of wonder that she has at the world that I want to take into my relationship with God. A sense that he is with me no matter what, and that he has made so many good things for us to enjoy. And he will hold our hand through it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment